If your relationships never seem to bring you anything but
pain, if "the fucking you get isn't worth the fucking you
get," it may simply mean you're choosing witches, bitches,
and crazy ladies, and there are a lot of them out there.
Contrary to popular belief, the craziest ladies have NOT
been in therapy. The ones who are truly crazy stay far, far
away from help.
Just because you've been involved in go-nowhere, crazy-love
relationships with women who've treated you badly doesn't
mean you are incapable of sane love. You may have a fatal
fascination for the wrong kind of femme fatale. Some women
are sexy and attractive and even fun, but it's a big mistake
to fall in love with them. Following are the classic types
NOT to get serious about (we're going to have a little fun
with these caricatures, but there's a lot of cautionary
truth in each one):
- The Deviant
- At first, the Deviant is a lot of fun, the bad girl down
block your mother always told you to stay away from. In the
beginning, it's a kick to be with her. She's always doing
the unexpected. If the light says red, she zooms through.
If there's a new illegal drug, she's the first to try it.
If there's a new illicit or amoral activity, she gets
excited and can't wait to do it.
The Deviant is irresistible in bed, where her deviant
behavior really shines. No matter what sex act you've
imagined, she'll be willing to try it. If you haven't
thought of it, she will. That's why you find it so hard to
leave her, even after you've bailed her out of jail a few
times on assorted charges and she's almost gotten you
arrested too. Deep in your heart, you know there will never
be sex like this again. You know your deviant woman is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to experience true
The biggest problem with the Deviant is that she gets you
into trouble. Trouble with the police, the DMV, the IRS,
your parents, your boss, your landlord, your friends, and
anyone else who is a regular member of straight society.
Besides, no matter how much fun she seems to be having with
you, the Deviant is really just a thrill whore -- she'll
perform fellatio on you in the front seat of a sports car at
120 miles per hour, but if some guy suggests screwing while
skydiving, she'll be gone in a flash.
- The True Believer
- The True Believer is on the cutting edge of whatever new
philosophy, psychology, or new-wave woo-woo comes along.
She's a channeler, an astrologer, a fortune-teller, a
healer, a yogi, a spiritual master -- and whatever she's
into at the moment, it's the true answer to all the world's
She has a Ouija board, Tarot cards, I Ching coins, yoga and
meditation tapes, healing music, and a roomful of crystals.
She's open to anything, including you, as long as you
So you follow her out into the desert in the middle of the
night to wait for spaceship Moonbeam to land and take you
off into the next world, and so what if it doesn't come?
You've done a lot more for women and had a lot less fun.
One man I know gave up a thriving law practice to follow a
True Believer on a trek across India. They were both to
have come back as gods. True story. What happened is they
broke up. Walking across India can get old if you don't
The True Believer does have some advantages, though. She
doesn't eat meat and she doesn't drink, so she's a cheap
date. She comes with a built-in group of friends and preset
rules. You never have to make any decisions, you just have
to follow along with the group, and believe, believe,
believe. Of course, the first time you guffaw during a
seance, the romance is over.
- The Timebomb
- The TimeBomb is an emotional lethal weapon that goes off
with no warning just when you think your life is under
The most frightening thing about the TimeBomb is that she
looks so normal on the surface; you can't tell she's a
TimeBomb until she explodes on you a couple of times. She's
the type who gets drunk at an important business dinner and
pours a Martini over your boss's head. Or she has an affair
with your best friend and gets pregnant, and you don't know
whose kid it is. Or she starts yelling, "I don't, I don't!"
in the middle of your wedding ceremony. Or she just
disappears one day, leaving you with 10-month-old Junior.
She's so cute and seemed so perfect that you overlook the
clues which were there all along. Her parents have given up
on her, none of her ex-boyfriends is speaking to her, and
she usually doesn't live close to home, because she needs
new territory, some place where people don't know her yet.
Timebombs always seem too good to be true -- and they
Unless it's her disappearing act, you take back after a
blowup, because she seems so sweet that you're sure it was
an aberration. Slowly, the hard way, you learn it's not an
aberration; it's a pattern. So no matter how many times she
promises to behave, don't believe her. You can be sure
another blowup is brewing. It's just a matter of time.
- Lolita is so adorable, so affectionate, so malleable, so
sexy, and so young. She looks up to you as the wise teacher
and you love the role. You imagine yourself molding her
into the grown-up woman of your dreams. You'll just keep
her around until she's matured into your own little Stepford
Wife, showing her the ropes, keeping her pure and sheltered.
If you really believe that, you need your head examined.
Actually, she's just discovered her sexual power and is
trying it out on you. She's also probable jailbait, but you
don't care. You're flattered at your ability to attract a
much younger woman and couldn't care less what anyone says.
What she really wants is to get even with Daddy by screwing
you, and as soon as some twenty-year-old Adonis shows up,
she'll leave you and shower him with all the wonderful
pleasures you've taught her how to provide. Inexperienced
lout that he is, he won't appreciate her, which will only
make her love him more.
She'll possibly be ready for a serious relationship in about
fifteen years, but by that time you'll be too old to enjoy
- The Starlet
- Breathlessly gorgeous, the Starlet is the ultimate
at a cocktail party. Once you start a conversation with
her, though, the image is shattered. There's nothing more
disconcerting than finding out that the woman of your dreams
wants to be a Playboy centerfold -- "Seriously, sure! I
mean, you know, just to get my career started!"
You'll probably have her for about two dates if you promise
to introduce her to your brother-in-law at the William
Morris Agency. She's always looking for bigger game,
though, so keep an eye on her. Kissinger was right: "Power
is an aphrodisiac." Let her meet an actor, ex-astronaut, or
even a newsworthy politician, and she's gone for the night.
She'll be back in the morning, though.
You'll often see pictures of a nice normal guy marrying a
Starlet type, looking naively happy on his wedding day. A
year later in the divorce news, you'll see the same guy
looking shell-shocked and threadbare. Very few starlets get
to be stars. When they don't, they invariably blame the men
in their lives and either make them miserable or dump them.
If you get hooked on a Starlet, you're dippier than she
Why Nice Men Wind Up With Witches, Bitches, And Crazy
I've found that there are three major reasons why the nicest
guys seem to wind up with the worst women.
Of course, not-so-sweet guys have also been known to pick
impossible women, sometimes as a strategy to avoid a
committed relationship. The worse she acts, the more
justified the man is in avoiding commitment. Sometimes a
man even drives a woman to act crazy and then says, "See, I
knew I shouldn't get involved."
- It takes a nice man to put up with them. Witches,
bitches, and crazy ladies aren't dumb. They always
pick sweet, giving men, men who won't leave at the
first sign of craziness, men who want to help, men who
will wait for sanity to return.
- A nice guy often enjoys (for awhile) the excitement
a crazy lady brings to his life. At any minute she may
attempt suicide, crash the car, burn the house, leave,
or have a disastrous affair. What thrill can compete
with the living soap opera a truly crazy lady brings to
his dull everyday life?
- Sometimes a nice man will find a fairly normal woman
and, by letting her get away with bad behavior, actually
"teach" her how to act like a bitch and walk all over him,
never realizing what he's doing.
Why Not Go Along For The Ride?
Why not go out with a crazy lady if she fulfills your needs?
Because those are not healthy needs. In a crazy-lady
relationship, you both lose. She just gets crazier and so
The lineup of Women To Avoid in this Part 1 may be terrible
prospects for a long-term relationship, but at least they're
fun to date. There are other witches, bitches, and crazy
ladies, also tempting, who you don't want to even go out
with. Read the next installment -- "For Men: Women To Avoid, Part
Related Keywords: Your Requirements, Qualifying Someone, Bad Prospects
Return to Library Top Page
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page
copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot