Naturally, when someone leaves you, you feel as if you've
been rejected. You have been. And it doesn't really matter
what the reasons are, you're going to feel terrible.
The reason you feel so bad may actually have more to do with
your future fantasies than with present day reality. When
you lose someone, you aren't just losing that person for
today, you're losing the fantasy of spending the rest of
your life with that person.
You feel disoriented and generally awful because you've
become used to having the other person in your life, to
thinking about him or her, and futurizing about your future
together. You've become addicted to the pleasure you got
We all want to control the source of our pleasure, and when
that source is taken away, our first instinct is to try to
get it back. Don't. Instead, take steps to get over the
person as soon as possible. Like grieving, it's a process
which you work through in stages. Follow the steps in "Letting Go" to make the process go as
fast and as painlessly as possible.
Meanwhile, your friends will probably urge you to keep busy
and get involved in new activities. It's good advice, but
you may feel too miserable to follow it. I'm going to give
you two reasons to try, and then give you a secret for doing
First, don't give your ex the satisfaction of hearing that
you're moping around so he or she can say, "See, who'd want
to be stuck with that sad sack?" Second, although it would
be admittedly terrible timing, Mr. or Ms. Right could pop
into your life right now, and you wouldn't want to be so
busy carrying a torch for your ex that you'd miss the
opportunity of a lifetime.
So, how to rise above feeling miserable? Follow a well
proven principle of behavioral pyschology which has been
summarized most neatly by Tony Robbins: "Physiology leads
psychology." What this means is that if you FORCE yourself
to bounce around and act peppy, even if you feel wretched,
you soon will feel peppy.
This may sound crazy, but bear with me and I'll try to
make sense of it. Usually, our pyschology "leads" our
physiology -- we feel depressed, so our shoulders slump.
Everyone understands that. What psychologists have
discovered, though, is that it also works in reverse: if we
throw our shoulders back and stand up straight, we somehow
feel less depressed. Method actors have used this for years
to get into the emotional state they need for a scene.
Trust me. Try this. Force yourself to act peppy and get
involved in new things, and your mood will change. (You
still need to finish the "Letting
Go" process, though, so read that article, too.)
Related Keywords: Letting Go, Dependency
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