Ask Dr. Tracy

Too Proud to Flirt (Q&A)


Something tells me this Q&A applies to lots of women (and with a little transposition, many men, too)...

Dear Dr. Tracy:

I look and look, but I never attract a man I like. It seems like the flighty, fancy women get all the good men. I'm not a good flirt (it feels like Chinese water torture!) How do you become a big flirt? How do you get used to wearing lacy clothes and perfume? The trouble is, I like men, but I'm blunt and more intelligent than most of them. I am fairly cute and petite, but that works against me because no one expects me to also have a strong personality. Yet I do. Help!


Dear Strong Personality:

Of course you can learn to flirt. It sounds like you already know how. What's wrong with putting on a few lacy things and wearing perfume?

Most important, your intelligence can be an advantage. You can use it to be funny, to ask questions which show a man you're interested, and to subtly flatter him.

The problem is, you've convinced yourself that flirting is distasteful. It goes against your self image. You may be like so many women in my seminars and workshops who are also bright and opinionated. Unfortunately, their firmest opinion is, "I'm not going to stoop so low as to flirt."

It's almost as if you and these women are challenging men to instantly find and love the "real" you. When that happens, your intelligence turns against you, and what comes across to guys is a hostile, "I don't need you" attitude.

Wise up. Flirting is fun. It's a biological imperative, part of the mating ritual of our species. Refusing to flirt is like being the only peacock who won't spread his feathers, and then complaining because the female peacocks ignore him.

Sure, you might find a guy someday who will push his way through your "I don't care enough to flirt" attitude, but why wait?

Another reason men and women both refuse to flirt is the old, "if I don't try, I can't fail." Just remember, if you don't try, you can't succeed, either.

Flirting is not a betrayal of your intelligence or feminism or anything else. It's just a way of letting a guy know, "Hey, I think you're interesting." Since guys have to make almost all the first moves, a little flirting on your part gives them the confidence to approach you.

See "Flirting and Meeting 101" for some step-by-step advice on how to make flirting a little easier.


Related Keywords: Meeting People, Attracting, Sexual Attraction



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