If you haven't read "The Amazing
Power of Mirroring", now's a good time, because "Inner
Languages" are really just an advanced form of mirroring.
With basic "Mirroring," you establish rapport with someone
and give them a feeling that they can trust you. The next
step is to learn their secret Inner Language so that you can
communicate with them in "their language" and make them feel
So often, in dating and romantic relationships, we simply
don't "connect." Even husbands and wives, who know each
other better than anyone, often fail to "connect" because
they've never learned each other's Inner Language.
Here's how it happens. A husband, trying for a romantic
anniversary dinner, reserves a sunset-view table at a fine
restaurant, orders his wife's favorite wine, and proceeds to
have a wonderful dinner, sure that he's done everything
right. His wife, meanwhile, gets increasingly cranky and
has a splitting headache by the time they get home.
What happened? Simple. His inner language is visual, and
hers is auditory. The restaurant was busy and noisy and
their table, despite its great view, was near the kitchen.
He blissed out on the sunset, and like many of the diners
around them, wasn't bothered by the background noise.
His wife saw that no other tables were available in the
packed restaurant and tried to appreciate the view, but
clattery kitchen noises dominated the whole dinner for her.
She decided it was pointless and ungracious to complain, but
kept thinking, "What the hell is wrong with him? How can he
think this raucous place is romantic?"
This couple, until they came to me for counseling, never
knew Inner Languages existed. Once they discovered that
theirs were different, all sorts of frictions between them
became understandable and easily manageable. She could
appreciate his eye for beauty, he could appreciate her ear
for music. From then on, it was easy for them to decide on
a romantic place for dinner, and to agree on countless other
things where they'd both previously sensed a baffling
opposition from the other.
Overview of Inner Languages
First, the source. My concept of "Inner Languages" derives
from an erudite specialty within pyschology known as
"NeuroLinguistic Programming," or more
commonly, "NLP." There are lots of different versions and
interpretations of NLP; Tony Robbins, for example, uses a
version very effectively in his motivational seminars. So
to set the record straight: I don't claim that "Inner
Languages" is a totally original invention of mine, nor do I
claim that it's an interpretation of NLP which will satisfy
NLP purists. Now that you've suffered through the
disclaimer, if you want to know what works, read on.
We all perceive the world through sight, sound and feelings
-- yet in the same setting, different people will notice
different things. NLP helps explain why that is.
Some of us are more "tuned into" the world through what we
see, others through what we hear, and others through what we
feel or "sense" about a situation. The problem with these
differences is they're invisible. So while we're all used
to people being different in height or hair color, we're
surprised when someone else has a totally different "take"
on a situation than we do. Like the wife in the restaurant,
we don't know how someone else can have such a different
perception of what to us seems obvious.
The rest of this article will help you figure out whether
you lean more toward being Visual, Auditory, or Feelings in
your own Inner Language; and it will help you recognize the
Inner Languages of others and how best to relate to them.
Just remember that you don't have to become an instant Inner
Languages recognition expert. Your romantic relationship
skills will jump immediately and dramatically if you
Here's a quick rundown on the three Inner Language types.
- Expect these invisible Inner Language differences
to crop up.
- When they do, try not to feel like your views are being
attacked, but rather that your date or lover is adding a new
and interesting "take" on the situation.
The Visual Person
Visual men and women are often "Type A" personalities, which
comes in part from wanting to dash around and see as much as
they can. Conscious of their looks, they're usually dressed
appropriately for whatever they're doing, even if it's
They express themselves in visual terms. For example, when
agreeing with you, they'll say, "I can see that." Watch
closely when you ask them a question which requires some
thought; before replying, their eyes will look up, as if
they're visualizing the answer. Visual people are often
slow in expressing their feelings.
Even if you're not visual, a visual person can be a good
match for you, bringing beauty into your life in many ways,
such as planning the route for your weekend trip so that it
becomes a more scenic getaway. To relate better with a
visual person, describe things to them in visual terms and
say, "Can you picture that?" rather than "How does that
sound to you?" or "How do you feel about that?"
The Auditory Person
Auditory men and women tend to be somewhat more relaxed.
Like the wife in the above case history, they are unusually
sensitive to sounds, from the balance on your stereo to a
distant diesel truck on a quiet evening.
As you might guess, auditory people tend to be good
communicators; they enjoy talking and can read your mood in
the tone of your voice. Tuned to the sounds of words, they
are often quite analytical, noticing inconsistencies and
preferring things clearly stated rather than implied.
They express themselves in auditory terms, e.g., "That
sounds good to me." Before replying to a question, their
eyes will glance from right to left, like watching a tennis
match, which means they're having a quick conversation with
themselves about the answer.
An auditory person can be a good match for a non-auditory
person, even if they don't immediately notice your new
hairdo or that you've shaved your moustache. They're more
interested in the "inner you" and how your mind works, and
they'll listen avidly to you telling about how your day
Talking their language is as simple as saying, "I hear what
you're saying," instead of "I can see that," or "I feel that
The Feelings Person
Feelings people are generally the most laid-back. They're
relatively unconcerned about their appearance and love
hugging, eating, and relaxing.
They express themselves in feelings terms, like, "I'm
comfortable with that." Before responding to a question,
their eyes will tend to look down, as if they're consulting
their "gut feelings" on the subject.
A feelings person can be a good match for any other type.
Although they tend to rank lowest on the neatness scale,
they're sensitive to your moods, nurturing and empathetic.
Give them lots of hugs and touching, and talk their language
by saying, "I understand how you feel," rather than "I see
what you mean," or "I hear you."
Related Keywords: Love Strategies, Dating Strategies, Making Love Grow, Keeping Love Alive
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