So often in my private counseling, I've heard the same story
from both men and women: "I met this attractive, interesting
person, the sex was exciting, our relationship started off
great, and I fell in love."
Then they go on. "But I've poured my heart into this
relationship for over a year, and he (she) just isn't
responding. He (she) insists nothing's wrong, but I know
something must be."
These are not "Crazy Love" situations, as in Coleen's and my
"Did For Love" cases, where the person you're in love with
is an obvious philanderer or crazy person. These cases are
more like Sandy's story, where the relationship failed to
blossom into mutual love and eventual commitment for a
different reason: the person you've fallen for looks normal
but turns out to be commitment-phobic, has fear of intimacy,
or is simply a "witholder."
Invariably, my hopelessly in-love client feels there must be
something they're doing wrong, or something more they should
do to solve the problem. I feel sad for them, for the
unfairness of the situation, but all I can do is tell them
the following little story, about a mother and her son and a
popcorn machine at a carnival.
-
- The son gets a coin from his mother for popcorn
but comes back empty-handed, so his mother walks over
to the machine with him to help. She is careful to put
the right coin in the right slot, and she even shakes
the machine, but no popcorn comes out. She turns away
but he pulls her back, his heart set on popcorn. "The
popcorn is right there," he cries, "I can see it, and
we put the money in, so why can't you do something to
get it?"
His mother gently explains why she can't help. "I'm
afraid there's nothing you can do and nothing I can do; the
machine is broken and the only one who can fix it is a
popcorn machine repairman."
Accepting the message of this parable is difficult, so I
usually continue. "Your partner is a broken popcorn
machine. You've put your coins in and deserve to get love
out. You may even see love in him (her), but there's
nothing either of us can do to get it out. The repair he
(she) needs is years of therapy. This is a popcorn machine
you can't fix, and you can't wait for it to get fixed. Put
the loss behind you and get on with your life."
In addition to commitment phobia, withholding, and fear of
intimacy, there are some other problems you may encounter in
relationships which prove sadly resistant to love and the
best of intentions. You probably can't:
- Cure an alcoholic
- Cure a drug addict
- Make a Homosexual straight
- Get a heavy person to lose weight
- Get a smoker to quit smoking
- Get a slob to be neat
- Rescue a crazy person
- Expect fidelity when it was never there before
- Keep a crook on the straight and narrow
- Expect someone to always stay the same
- Expect someone to be what you expect
If you've done all you can in a relationship and it's still
not working, the Broken Popcorn Machine story may help you
come to peace with letting it go.
Related Keywords: Bad Prospects, Letting Go, Giving Too Much
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