A Fool For Love
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I'll try to make this brief. Ha ha. I'm a 43 yr old single male. Attempting to rekindle a long distance relationship. I live in Colorado and she lives in New York.
My dilemma is as follows: Two years ago I fell madly in love with a woman, and I mean madly. I was unfortunately in the throngs of heavy alcohol addiction at the time. My alcohol abuse shattered the relationship. There were wrongs on both sides of the relationship, but I'm concerned mostly with mine, which need not be detailed here. Anyway, I have since pulled my life back together. Life is infinitely better now except for the woman I fell in love with.
I have spoken with her on occasion, sent emails, and cards. I have expressed my deepest apologies for my ill behavior and have told her I was willing to do anything to amend my wrongs. I get so many mixed signals from her! I've told her flat out that it might be best that we part ways so she can find a man that she truly loves who can treat her right, but then she says that's not what she wants to do? I then tell her how much I honestly love her, and she says nothing or she'll bring up some gruesome details from my past. I'll pour my heart out! She doesn't offer a glimmer of hope or says she's not ready for a relationship or that we need to become better friends? This has been going on for a good year now and I'm at my emotional wits end. I don't want to lose her, but I feel I'm entitled to some concrete answers. The best she ever says is that every once in awhile she states that she needs time to heal or is just busy for now.
I'm wondering if I'm out of line with my continued enthusiasm about her. I try to move on but cannot shake her. I speak to my friends about her and they assure me that I'm clearly in love with her. I wish I know a way to get myself across, but can't seem to find the right way to accomplish this!
I'm sure I've failed to explain the matter fully. I love her, she seems to be very indifferent at times, and I think I'm just a fool.
Dear Foolishly In Love,
This relationship has a lot of problems. The first is simple geography. You're living way too far apart for the fine, patient stitching it would take to mend this relationship. Also, you are from different cultures. She probably wouldn't be happy in Colorado and you'd probably be miserable in New York. But that's only the beginning.
Second big strike against you is that you've already blown this relationship with alcohol abuse and whatever you did back then that you don't want to detail here. But I can imagine that it wasn't a pretty picture, one that she finds difficult if not impossible to erase in her memories. If she was madly in love with you at the time, she might have overlooked whatever horrible things you did in your drunk days, but it doesn't sound like she was.
Third, fourth, fifth, and sixth strikes are that you pour my heart out to her, and her response is she "wants to be friends," keeps bringing up the gruesome past, needs time to heal, and isn't ready for a relationship. Any one of these, by itself, is the kiss of death for a relationship. All are ways of telling you she's no longer interested in romance with you, while trying to spare your feelings.
Be smart. Forget about this woman -- it's never going to happen, and you're wasting your time trying to make it into something it's not.
Now that your life is infinitely better, move on to someone new who doesn't have the old you in the back (or front) of her mind. Let the "old you" vanish completely instead of fighting the bad image it's left with the woman in New York. Celebrate your sobriety with a new life and a new love.
Stop trying so hard to get this old love back on track, you'll find that a new one will be even better.
Way Too Horny for His Own Good
Dear Dr. Tracy,
This has to do with two women. One is my girlfriend who is 19. The other woman is her divorced and single mom. The issue is that I want to have sex with both of these women. Not at the same time.
I have a great relationship with my gf and we have been going together for about a year and a half. She is 19 like me but she is still a virgin. I have done it one other time. Making love to her would be an important step in our relationship. I would enjoy being her first. It would be a special time for us. How can I let her know this? How can I make the first time special for her? Should I ask her mom for permission to have sex with her? I am interested in her take on her daughter and I having sex.
At the same time from dating my gf I have gotten to know her mom. She is a very nice and beautiful woman. I have enjoyed spending time with her too. She has a mature charm. I have even had some xrated dreams staring her. I would really like to experience sex with her. I am interested in what sex is like with her. I would like the experience of having sex with a mature woman as well. I have heard that sex with a mature woman is great. Is that true?
I am interested to learn what my gf’s mom likes sexually. How can I find out? How can I let her know of my desire to have sex with her? How should I approach the issue?
Any insight as to who I should try to have sex with first? Is it possible that I could have sex with my gf and her mom? Any information to having sex with both of these women?
At first I took your question to be a joke, but then I realized you're serious -- but utterly clueless about women. Let's review this. Having accumulated the vast experience of one sexual encounter, you figure your next step should be the dual seduction of a young virgin AND her mother? If restating your "issue" that way doesn't make it sound crazy to you, let me put it this way: if men are from Mars and women are from Venus, you are from Pluto.
Here on Earth, men have fantasies about women -- young, mature, whatever -- constantly. That doesn't mean they act on them. You need to understand that a fantasy is not the same thing as a possibility. If you pursue your fantasy as though it were a real possibiliy, you will almost certainly wind up with neither woman. Your girlfriend will drop you in a flash if she ever suspects you want to have sex with her mother. And the mother will kick you out of her house if you ask her if you can have sex with her daughter.
What kind of answer did you think you might get from the mother? There's no way she would tell you it's okay to have sex with her virgin daughter. And if you then say, "Well, how about sex with you?" she'll think you're a lunatic. And so will her daughter, as soon as her mother tells her.
If you have any sense at all, don't let the little head be the boss. Instead use the big one to keep your mouth shut and your fantasies about the mother to yourself.
Sex with your girlfriend, on the other hand, is a realistic possibility. However, a year and a half is a long time to get around to it. She may have decided you're not "the one." I'd say your odds are dim if she doesn't let you know within the next few months that she's ready. In any case, forget about her mother. And having sex with both is totally out of the question. Trying will ruin your relationship with your girlfriend and her mother.
Too Old For Parents To Control
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am 42 years-old and in the process of a divorce (my ex won't sign the papers but we're on good terms) for the past 4 years. We have an 11-year-old daughter together. I was in a relationship with a man 11 years younger when I first separated from my husband, but he was too immature, irresponsible, and just plain trouble. He was a junior version of my ex.
I got the younger man out of my system and had a couple short-term encounters with men, but nothing serious. Then I met Joe 2 1/2 months ago. He's a hard worker, responsible, level-headed -- an all around good person. We have fallen quickly, and madly, in love.
Joe owns his own home (I rent from my parents, who are very overbearing and controlling) and asked my daughter and me to move in with him in the spring. It seems fast but I just can't imagine being without him. We've been together every day since we met and my daughter is always included in his plans. He's the first man that I didn't want to run away from when things started to get serious.
I expect an arguement from my parents when I tell them we're moving -- what if it doesn't work out and I have to move back into their rental property? What repercussions will it have on my daughter? Am I just doing this to get out from under them? They don't trust me or my judgment but they DO like Joe. In the past, they threatened to sue for custody of my daughter because I was dating without being divorced -- which they saw as damaging to her.
I realize that I am old enough to make my own decisions but it's always in the back of my head that I need their approval. It's also in my mind that maybe I am just looking for an escape. Before I met Joe, I was apartment hunting to get away, but when we met, I put the idea on the back burner. Now the opportunity to get out is staring me in the face and I don't know what to do.
My guard has been up for a long time and I've taken care of myself and my child, afraid to let someone come in and control me again. Joe doesn't try to change who I am and I truly feel I could have a very happy life with him. He's teaching my daughter values that her own father never had. Am I jumping the gun? Should we slow down & just try to make this work as it is until we've dated for an "appropriate" amount of time? Should I force the issue of trying to get my divorce finalized to make my new relationship look appropriate?
I just want to do the right thing for my daughter and not end up losing the support of my family. Thank-you for your advice.
At this point, you're way too old to be still trying to please your parents at the expense of your own happiness. You need to take control of your life and start living like an adult.
Begin by getting your ex to sign the divorce papers. Four years is way too long to wait. You'll feel better about making the decision to move in with Joe if you're truly free.
Joe sounds like a great guy and a keeper. He's responsible and includes your daughter in his plans. It does sound a little fast, but I doubt if he would ask you to move in if he didn't think it will work out in the long run.
So talk to your parents about moving. Let them know you and Joe are serious -- if you are. Tell Joe you accept his offer to move in with him in the Spring, assuming you both still feel the same way about each other. There's nothing wrong with living together before you get married, and many people, including myself and my husband, have done just that. However, you should let Joe know that you believe living together is a step toward marriage rather than an alternative.
If you approach your parents like an adult and let them know you and Joe are in love and are serious about making a life together, they're more likely to approve of your moving and less likely to stand in your way.
If it doesn't work out with Joe, it's best to go over that possibility up front. Tell your parents that you appreciate all they have done for you and that you are going to try to make this work, but if it doesn't, you hope they will be there for you. If they can't or won't agree to letting you have their rental again, you'll have to find your own place, but you were looking for one anyway.
If it works out with you and Joe, your daughter will have a good role model to follow. She'll see that you were willing to take a chance on love and moving your life in a new direction. If it doesn't work out, she'll be disappointed but will get over it.
Not taking advantage of this opportunity will leave you under the control of your parents, and that's not a good place for a 42 year old woman to be. It's better to try and fail then not to try at all.
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