"Ask Dr. Tracy"

1/14/96 Advice Column

Men wearing panties, 3-way sex, Dealing with an uncommunicative man

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm in my mid twenties. My boyfriend and I had been going out for several months when he confessed to me that he likes to wear panties. He gave me all these reasons, like they have superior quality and fit, greater durability and lower price, and lots more color selection, so I pretended it was OK with me even though I was kind of shocked.

Now I must confess to you that I get turned on when I see him in panties. We also have a lot of fun purchasing new ones for him in department stores. Is this common? Is it OK? Are we OK?

Dear Pantylover,

The two of you are fortunate to have found such a fun, harmless, and inexpensive indulgence to keep you sexually titillated. I see nothing wrong with whatever two consenting adults decide to do, as long as no one is harmed.

If you and your boyfriend get turned on by his wearing ladies panties, go for it. And yes, wearing women's underwear is a more common male practice than most people realize.

Of course, men have always been turned on by women's underwear, sometimes more so than by outright nudity. Nylons with seams have always been an allure. Sometimes, a man's very first sexual feelings are aroused in a chance encounter with his mother's underclothes, so as an adult, he finds panties extremely exciting.

Often, men progress from looking at panties to wearing them because women's panties are tighter in the crotch than men's briefs, and my friend The Old Seducer says "hey, that can keep a guy half-turned on all the time."

In any case, it's great for you to have a boyfriend who's so easy to make happy. I wish you both many erotic years of panty shopping and wearing. Enjoy.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My wife hinted and hinted that she would love to try having sex with another woman. I didn't know what to do about it, but evidently she did something on her own, cause one day I came home, she introduces me to her "friend," and before I know it we're all in bed together. I did things I wouldn't have dreamed I'd do, and it was absolutely fantastic!!

Since then, she and I have had two other woman lovers and both my wife and I are in seventh heaven. In the meantime, the relationship between my wife and me has increased one hundred fold. My problem is that I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty in the least for enjoying this so much! Is it necessary to feel guilty?

Dear Not Guilty,

Guilt, even for not feeling guilty, is a wasted and destructive emotion. As long as you and your wife remain sensitive to each other's feelings and communicate openly about your experimentation, these encounters don't have to threaten your marriage.

Your health is another matter. Short of wrapping each other in Saran before hopping in bed, I'm not clear exactly how you practice safe sex in a three-way encounter.

Before AIDS, I knew couples who were together for years while bringing outside partners into their marriages and enjoying the sharing of other people with each other. Most of these couples eventually quit when they ran out of energy and/or realized there are only so many ways to have sex, and they'd had them all.

I hope you both manage to remain HIV-negative so that when you're much older, you'll be able to look back on the memories of your sexual exploits with luscious delight.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've been living with a recently-divorced man who is emotionally withholding for the past year and a half. He's often moody and uncommunicative, not only with me, but with everyone.

Of course, there are times when we enjoy ourselves together, but for the most part, we seem to have more differences than similarities. I am outgoing, like to be around people and just truly like to live life and have "fun." He says that he loves me and that he wants to make this work, but it seems as though I'm the one doing all the compromising. How can we make this work, or does it sound hopeless?

Dear Moody Man's Lover,

Opposites do attract, so I'm less concerned about your differences than his non-communication. This man probably was a withholding husband when he was married, and he'll probably be the same with you. If you're tired of working on him now, think how tired you'll be after twenty years of marriage.

If you want to try, though, you've got to lay down the law: good communication is essential to a good relationship, and you expect him to work on this problem. Keep asking him how he feels. Set a time aside for the two of you to talk about your day and how you are feeling. Praise him when he does express his feelings. Reward him with hugs and kisses. Touch him a lot.

When he's moody, don't reward his bad behavior. Instead, ignore him. Or better yet, go out and have a good time. Be sure to have a group of friends who supply what your lover does not -- lots of fun. Don't compromise by giving up all your good times; you'll only resent him for it.

He may progress a little and eventually you may get more intimacy out of him. You may be able to change his behavior in private, but he'll probably always be the same tightass in public. If he doesn't open up at all, I suggest you read "'Convenient' Relationships" and ask yourself why you're staying in a relationship which brings you so little joy.

Questions may be submitted to Dr. Tracy's column by e- mail. Questions of general interest may be answered in this column, however Dr. Cabot regrets that she cannot answer all questions submitted.

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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