1/3/99 Advice Column
Two months ago I found my friend that moved to the States 2 years ago, we've known each other for 10 years before that. We started dating and the things were going just great. But, a month ago he got a letter that the American ambasy refused his application for immigration visa and he had to leave the country. The last few days he was here, we barely saw each other, he was getting his things done ( selling the car, saying bye to all his friends and a bunch of other thing that he named). He said he is not sure of the exact date when he is supposed to leave. The last time I saw him, it was same as usuall, we were talking and I had to go to work so he left, leaving me with his last words that one day he'll come back just to get me and he swore in his mother's grave. He said he'll call the next day, but he never did. After three days of me trying to find him I found out that he left right the next day after we saw each other.
This last three weeks I've been trying to find his phone number and address but his family refuses to give any information, last time I caled the answer was : "Sorry, I can't give you the phone number, if he wants he got yours, he'll call". So now I'm in the middle of nowhere, can't get my mind off this guy, I don't sleep, I forget to eat a lot of times ( from 146 pounds I'm down to 116 in a last three weeks), I'm crying like crazy every single night and my friends don't understand how I feel. For them it bacame a usual thing "Oh, she's crying again, lets go to another room, she'll be Ok in a while"
What do I do, why is he not calling, am I really going crazy over here ???
If he wanted to contact you he would, and if he was worried about missing you while he was gone, he'd have wanted to spend more time with you before he left. His family won't give you his phone number because he obviously has told them not to.
What kind of humiliation will it take for you to stop chasing this guy? You only dated for two months and you act like he's yours for life. No wonder he's hiding from you. Your insecurity is driving you, and if you don't watch it, you're going to do something truly embarrassing.
Forget about chasing him back to whatever country he came from and find someone else to love. Next time, give the relationship at least six months before you get this emotionally devoted. You may not have known this man as well as you think. Perhaps he reinvented himself for you easily because he was away from those who know him best.
A man who swears on his mother's grave is suspect anyway. And one who tells you he's going to call and doesn't loses credibility. Even if you got this guy back some day, there's no guarantee he wouldn't leave abruptly again. Besides, who knows why his immigration application was turned down? You could have been with an international gangster or terrorist for all you know.
Most men have a knee-jerk reaction to avoiding marriage and commitment, and you have one too, although you have no real reason. Your life is good. The sex is good. You really have nothing to lose, and many men have married their first loves.
At this point in your relationship, it's going to be difficult if not impossible to get caught up to your girlfriend experience-wise without risking your relationship. The fact that your girlfriend has started seeing other men is a sign that she's serious about her timetable.
If you find yourself unable to take the plunge, you will be left onshore when your girlfriend swims away with someone else. Most men, by the way, only realize how much they really wanted someone after they've lost her. So unless you can imagine living happily ever after without this woman in your life, I suggest you get a ring and get down on your knees fast. A strong-willed woman whose biological timeclock is ticking away is not to be fooled with.
Since your wife has had this fantasy for some time, and since she has a willing participant in your friend's wife, all you can do is agree. You have to agree to letting her have sex with the other woman without you or your buddy participating. Otherwise, you'll be forever remembered as having denied her and the other woman the opportunity to live out her fantasy.
When two women make love alone, the experience is always much different from making love with a man present. The girl-girl sex is usually more gentle and soft, and without the sense of urgency that men add to the situation.
Perhaps you and the other husband could go away for the evening, or treat the girls to a fancy hotel room. Be loving and supportive and don't get insecure over a sexual experiment. Most married women who try sex with another woman stay married to their husbands.
Also, there could be a bonus for you -- the next time you make love with your wife, you could find that she's attained a new level of sensuality from her encounter.
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