Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

1/21/2001

He Wants Children, She Has Enough
Threesomes Can Be Dangerous
A Boyfriend To Beware Of



He Wants Children, She Has Enough

Dear Dr. Tracy,

i read your colum all the time and love to read your love library. I'm a 33 year old single mother, who has been divorced for awhile. i met a great guy at work and we started dating. we clicked very well, and enjoyed the time we spent together inspite of the fact he wants marriage and children and i do not. my kids are almost grown, and i was a mom so young, i just don't want to do it again. I guress i thought that it would be ok to spend time together even though we aknowlegded that it was only temporary, but i found that the more time we spent, the more feelings i had to the point of if we enjoyed ourselves, i would feel bad.

i broke it off, because i guess i'm not as strong as i thought i was, and i want to be with someone who wants me for me, and not my ability to have children. I think he is perfectly right in wanting what he wants, i'm just sad i cannot give it to him. it hurts, but i think i did the right thing. hopefully, i will feel better soon. did i do the right thing? it just doesn't feel like it right now.we felt so right together, i hope i did not make a mistake! what do you think?

unsure

Dear Unsure,

You absolutely, positively, without a doubt did the right thing by breaking up with your "great guy." Because you were a young mom and your kids are almost grown, you've been there, done that. Your great guy, on the other hand, hasn't been married, hasn't had kids, and still wants to live that part of his life. In relationships, timing is everything, and you and your great guy just weren't in sync with each other's timing.

Everyone has a life they want to live at a specific time. Some people want to concentrate on their careers and they are on the career track, not the mommy track. Others are into families and put their home life first. Still others are looking for spiritual growth, and others are looking for intellectual grown and education. Others want to travel and explore their worlds

In order to have a great relationship, you and your mate should be on the same life track, looking for the same sorts of rewards, whether business or personal. If one of you thinks family is most important and the other one thinks work is most important, there are bound to be conflicts. One of the worst conflicts you can have is over having children. A man who wants children of his own would only wind up resenting you if he agreed to sacrifice that desire in order to be with you, just as you would be resentful if you had to start being a mother all over again.

If your children are almost grown, it's time for you to develop another part of your self, not to start all over again with babies. This is the time for you to take up golf, learn to play the violin, travel to far-off places, or stay out late - all the things you can't do when you have kids to watch.

It will take time, but you will get over him. Think of him as a romantic interlude that just couldn't last. And the next time you begin to develop an interest in a man, make sure he is at the same stage of life as you are and has similar goals before you let yourself get too close to him.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Threesomes Can Be Dangerous

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My husband and I have been together for 14 years, since we were 16 years old. Then there's our best male friend who we've known for 14 years. I should say his best friend first who because an even better friend than before not too long ago when I finally agreed to have a threesome with the both of them to add something new to our sex lives.

This all started about 5 or 6 years ago when I found out about the two of them and their relationship. I was pretty stunned at the time, but I forgave and forgot. I'm not a jealous person, so I let it go.

Well, after our threesome weekend, my husband had a business trip an was gone for a week. His friend came by to visit as usual because he was my friend too, and one thing led to another and we started to see each other on the side. He is married too for the second time and he has always said he only married her to slow down his wild lifestyle and take care of his two children from his first marriage, which we believed to be true.

Anyway, we started to have deeper feelings for each other and honestly I didn't know what to do. I was enjoying the best of both worlds. I know I was wrong, but it was great!

We've since stopped seeing each other before my husband and I moved out of state for a job advancement. I miss our friend and long for him dearly. My question is, should I leave it as it is or should I pursue him when I see him again, or just keep him as a friend?

Signed, 3 friends

Dear Close Friend,

As I have said over and over again, three-way sex is not for amateurs. Bringing another man or woman into your relationship is always dangerous. So many men have the fantasy of watching their wives make love to another man, or woman. The problem is that three-way sex hardly ever works out the way everyone thinks it will.

When couples try to bring another person into there relationship without prior understandings of what everyone expects and how things will be afterwards, things usually go wrong. One person sometimes feels left out. Or one person's feelings wind up getting hurt. Or two people find that they like each other way too much.

It can always happen, as it did in your case, that the outsider becomes the insider and the mate gets shut out. You and your husband should have had an agreement up front that there would be no visits and no seeing the other man when your husband wasn't present. That's one of the first things "swingers" agree to - to only be intimate with someone else when their partner is there.

But too late for that. You've already broken the rule about seeing each other outside of your primary relationship. You've also broken another rule. When you bring someone else into a relationship, it's usually for sex and nothing else, no emotional involvement allowed.

Okay, you've enjoyed the three-way. You've enjoyed seeing the friend on the side. You've shared your husband and your marriage, and you've been lucky. You've gotten away with it. You still have your husband and you had the friend too. You had a grand time, but now it's time to call it quits.

This isn't a relationship that can go on without endangering your marriage, the friend's marriage, and the happiness of innocent people including his children. Keep him as a close friend, only if you can do so without being tempted to become intimate with him again. If not, leave it as it is, a fond memory you can cherish in your old age.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



A Boyfriend To Beware Of

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Please help me, I am so confused. I am a twenty year old education student who has been in a relationship for five years. Recently my boyfriend has started to accuse me of having affairs and I have always been faithful to him.

His father had a lot of affairs which he took badly - is this why he thinks the same of me?

I went to see a clairvoyant at the weekend and he told me that he is the one who strays so that would also be an explanation. How can I find out if he has had one night stands? I really trust him and don't believe he would but the spiritulist said that when he says he's working away he isn't always...how would he know?

When my boyfriend accuses me he gets very nasty. He has hit me once in the past. I know that he would never do that again but now it's more mental stuff like name calling. Once he even said that he felt dirty after having sex with me. It's horrible and maked me feel like I am the one in the wrong. I'm a strong person but this is really affecting me, I can't focus.

I actually left him and the weekend and was determined not to go back but now I'm really missing him. I honestly did think that I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. Who is going to want me now after a five year relationship. I've sadi that if I go back he'll have to prove that he trusts me and part of me wants to go back to see if it willbe different. My worst fear is that I'll go back and things will be all right for a while but then they would go back to the way that they were.

Deep down I know that the accusations and name calling are just done to hurt me as it is the only tool he has to do that. He even said that he trusts me really.

What should I do, please help me.

Dear Confused,

Your boyfriend may or may not be having affairs, that's really not the point. If he's having affairs and that's why he's calling you names and accusing you of being unfaithful, you should get away from him and find someone else. If he's not having affairs and calling you names and accusing you of being unfaithful, you should also leave him. No matter what he's doing outside of your relationship, he's being a total jerk to you.

If he treats you this way now, chances are that he will treat you worse in the future. Physical abuse and mental abuse are almost the same, and if he hasn't hit you lately, that's no reason to believe he won't in the future. If his father had affairs, chances are that he will too, even if he hasn't yet. So why put your future in jeopardy by staying with him?

And of course someone else will want you after you've been in a five-year relationship. Why on earth would you think otherwise? You're only twenty -- you have your whole life ahead of you!

Of course you miss him - you've been with him a long time. But women often miss men who have treated them even worse than your boyfriend treated you. Missing him is no reason to go back to him. You want to go back to relieve your unhappiness, but going back to him will only make you even more unhappy. He's not going to stop abusing you and calling you names. If he's having affairs, he's not going to stop that either. If you go back, you will be sorry.

You are just trying to go back to get the security of having the guy you're used to, and the good parts of him you remember. But you will get the bad part of him, too, if you go back. Even if he's good for a while, he will revert to his nasty self.

Don't go back. Give yourself a chance for a good life with a man who treats you right. You have plenty of time to find a nice guy who's not abusive. There are lots of them out there.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Submitting a Question to this column

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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