Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

1/13/2002

Out of Town Does Count
Do Not Trust This One
Gives Great Phone



Out of Town Does Count

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm 32yr old female and my husband is 37, we have 3 small children, middle class family, live in the suburbs and married for 10 yrs. i met my husband in the military and we married and reside in my homestate. Whenever my husband goes to his hometown to visit family he always cheat on me. (he's no longer in the military) He goes to visit his family on an average of once a year. His last visit a few weeks ago he said he went to a strip club and paid one of the strippers to do oral sex on him in a back room. He acts like he has done nothing wrong because he didnt know the girl, and that she meant nothing to him and it was just sex. Then he wants to come home to me and have wild sex.

He also feels he was a good boy this time since he didnt call up an ex-girlfriend and screw her like he usually do when he goes home to visit his family. They had the type of relationship where she had her own life and he had his own life and when he is in town they meet up and sleep with eachother while he's there. He also keep in contact with her by phone once he returned home. This ex-girlfriend has been a thorn in our marriage for 8yrs and now he has apparantly called it off because it was ruining our marriage and i was threatning divorce. So he claims he was going to behave. I am glad the ex-girlfriend is out of our lives (??) but how is this behaving by paying a stripper to give him a blow job.

I am really tired of this and think I should file for divorce. I have 3 small children and absolutely no one to turn to. He is a minister in the church and on his best behavior but when he goes to visit family in the ghetto he takes his spirituality off like a coat then put it back on when he returns. In his homestate he cheats, drink, hang out at strip clubs with his family and cousins. He is a totally different person.

He has always wanted to be a police officer but could never get picked up, but of course, one of his cousins is now a recruiter and will pick him up on the police force but he would have to go there to get the job. I refuse to go so he says "he's the man of the house and I should follow" I have no plans to ever live there under the circumstances and will not negotiate on it. So now he wants to go there to be a cop and visit me and kiddies on weekends for apprx 1 year until he can transfer. The difference between his homestate and our home is about 800 miles. (apprx 13hour drive) What is your advice on this matter

Dear Tired,

No wonder you are tired our your husband's cheating ways. Some men think "out of town doesn't count." Those are the same ones who think old girlfriends and strippers don't count. Or Internet sex doesn't count. Or oral sex doesn't count. Your husband is one of those men. The truth is that it all counts, and you have a right to demand fidelity from your husband.

He thinks just because he didn't know the girl it doesn't count. That's absolutely ridiculous and insulting to you. I can't imagine you putting up with his ex-girlfriend upsetting your marriage for eight years. It's time for you to put a stop to your husband's behaviors.

Let him know that none of what he's doing is acceptable. Think about accompanying him on his trips to his hometown and hovering over him like a blanket so that he never has a chance to do anything he shouldn't do. Tell him that he's going to lose you and his family if he keeps up this rotten behavior. Threaten to tell everyone at his church what he's really like and what he's doing when he's out of town.

If you let him go to his hometown to become a cop and you don't go with him, you are inviting him to do anything he wants, and he will. Your marriage will probably not survive an 800-mile separation for a year, and his promised weekend visits will likely not materialize.

I advise you to either go with him, or not to let him go. Once he becomes a cop, his "I can do anything I want" attitude will probably only get worse. Without you there to watch him, there will be nothing to keep him in line and he'll go hog wild with strippers and ex-girlfriends as well as anyone else he can find.

Since you don't have much of a support system and say you have no one to turn to, you should begin to reach out. Join a woman's group. Develop friends of your own. Go for counseling and try to get your husband to go with you. Also, without telling him, see a lawyer and find out what your rights are if you do divorce.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Do Not Trust This One

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have what I perceive as problem and I need an unattached rational mind to give me advice. I am in a relationship with a man for two years and it is very serious to the point we are discussing marriage and kids and so forth.

I have never been to his home since he lives in another state and things just worked out that he came to my house to visit. I just found out that he is living with another woman much older than himself . He lied about his actual residence and with whom he lived for two years. When I confrunted him he swears to me that this woman is just a dear friend and they do not have a relationship. He claims she help him by giving him a place to live when he came across hard times. I said well I would like to be introduced to this woman you live with due to my insecurity with this entire situation. He says to me NO I can't meet her because she has become very used to him there and she relies on him to mow the grass take care of things around the house and he has become her "national security so to speak" he doesn't want to upset her by introducing another woman which will make her nervous and maybe threaten her security in life.

Basically , I believe I have the right to meet this woman considering I have been with this man two years and we are planning on getting married. He insist no and says after we are married I can meet her. Please give me your advice am I wrong in wishing to meet the woman he lives with? Should I just let the situation go and continue with my plans of marriage and so forth? I love him dearly but this situation with him existing in another house with another woman that he lied about for two years is distroying me emotionall and physically. Please give me your honest opinion. Is it possible that this woman is not in a relationship with him and I am just being too jealous...although one time I heard him while he was at my house tell her that he loved her dearly...later on he said well he didn't really mean it the same way he means it when he tells me he loves me...I just have a terrible feeling now and I don't know what to do.

Also within the past year I have given him $30,000 dollars he was financially devistated and I believed we were going to be married and I devoted myself in every way to him....Now , I wonder what he even did with most of the money I gave him...I did express my feelings that he was spending my money foolishly like it was water and since he has not asked for nor touch a dime and swears never to touch my money again..

I constantly bring up the woman he lives with actually because I have terrible things running threw my head dispite she is 52 and he is 40 ....he says I am tormenting him about it and not doing anything to correct the problem. I offer him to come live at my house and he says that he can't do that because he doesn't like my mother or brother who actually come to my home rarely ...he expects me to completely elliminate my mother from my life because he doesn't like her pushy controlling attitude and my brother he doesn't think he is a good human because he is out of work right now ...he just seems to give me excuses why he can't move into my home and he is pushing we move to another country where he grew up....I hesitate to sell my home and leave my entire family to go with him...I prefer to live safely within the United States and establish more security within our relationship before leaving the country...

anyhow any advice you can give me I would so appreciate.

Dear About to Get Married,

This man can't be trusted any further than you can throw him. He's got another whole life with another woman and he's been lying to you about it for two years.

I don't believe for a minute that he only has a "friendly" relationship with this other woman and he just "mows the grass." Your instincts were absolutely right, asking to be introduced to her, and of course it's unnacceptable that he won't agree to do that. His excuses are a joke. But why did you accept his answer? Don't be a fool. Call this woman and find out what's really going on, right away.

You really must investigate this man before you tie your life to his. Who knows, he could be married to this other woman. Don't let him sweet talk you into getting married first and finding out about him later. Postpone your wedding plans until you know more about what you are getting into.

Another huge red flag here is that you have given this man $30,000 over the last year with no idea where it went. I hope you got something in writing from him guaranteeing that he would pay you back. I am afraid that you are being swindled and are pulling the wool over your own eyes because you don't want to admit that you've been taken.

It's very possible that he's been spending the money you gave him on the other woman. Or maybe he's taking money from her too and making promises he has no intention of keeping. You won't know until you talk to her, preferably in person.

This guy has too many excuses for everything he does. He says he can't live with you because of your mother and brother. That's a very feeble excuse. You should always be suspicious of a man who wants to separate you from your family and friends.

He could be a con man who makes a life of seducing women and taking their money with promises of love and marriage. He could have a criminal record a mile long. You won't know unless you take the steps to find out. If you can't bring yourself to investigate his secret life by yourself, hire a private detective. Hire a professional investigator. You need a full background check on him before you take another step forward in this relationship.

And of course you shouldn't leave the United States with him. Don't sell your home. Protect your assets. If you leave the country with him, you will forfeit the rights that protect you here. Don't be a fool for love.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Title of Third Letter

Dear Dr. Tracy,

third question...

Gives Great Phone

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am heartbroken. For the past three years I have been in what can be referred to as a 'fantasy' relationship with a man who has always sought out my friendship, but he does not show any desire to be my boyfriend. Yet, I am crazy for him. He will say things on occasion that make me believe he MAY want to be my lover, but then he pulls away right after he says something like that. He would just prefer to talk to me on the phone several times a week. We talk about so many wonderful things and we get along very well as long as I don't push him to get together. If I do make the suggestion of getting together, he makes some vague promise to do so; but he just doesn't seem interested in pursuing me. He has asked me out to dinner or lunch a few times and he has come to my home a few times in the last 3 years but that is about it. He doesn't try to kiss me or show me affection. Yet, I always hope for the day that he will 'make the move.' I sometimes wonder if he is gay, but I know about his playboy reputation of past so I do not believe he's gay.

He is in his mid-50s and divorced and tells me that he will never get married again. I am 42 and single. I want to be in a long-term, monogamous relationship. Can you help me understand why I pine for this man? Why would I put myself through such pain for a man who doesn't really want me? I know I am attractive and bright and fun. I have dated other men in the three years that I have known this man, but I always compare the other men to him and end up putting a stop to the other dates.

I want to move forward but I keep hoping he will call me and say he wants to be with me. That is why I call this a fantasy relationship...it is very one-sided and based only on hopes and wishes. I am so impressed with the advise that you have offered to others, that I am hoping you can help me so I can clear my head and heal my heart and get myself to the point that I can be open to other men's advances.

Dear Crazy for Him,

You're not really crazy about this man, you're crazy about your fantasy of what might be -- "if only" -- if only he got together with you. If only he would be your lover. If only he would try to kiss you.

But he doesn't, and that should give you your answer. A man who is interested in you, really interested, wants to be with you as much as possible. He wants to hold you and kiss you and make love to you.

Instead, this man is one of those guys who give great phone but never give real love. He's a non-sexual variation of "The Broken Popcorn Machine" in my Library.

You are at an age where you should find someone who's truly available and interested in a committed relationship. Stop wasting your life. You've already thrown away three important years on him, years when you could have been finding someone real to love and be with.

You say you want to be in a long-term, monogamous relationship and yet you choose a man who has a playboy reputation, says he'll never get married again, and shows no real interest in you. That makes me question how serious you are about getting the relationship you say you want. If you're serious, you'll clear your head and move on. How? You must realize that you are allowing yourself to be addicted this fantasy. Like any addiction, the only way to really kick it is cold turkey. Stop talking to him. Totally. Stop hoping to get from him what he doesn't have to give.

Occupy your time and your thoughts with other men. Go on the Internet and register with match.com, and kiss.com and udate.com and love@aol.com. You need to see what men are out there and to distract yourself from this obsession with the man who will never be "the one." And stop comparing new men with your fantasy. No man can compete with a fantasy. If you must compare, compare new men to the reality of never being kissed or shown any love.

I would hate to see you spending the rest of your life alone because you're hung up on this fantasy that will never be. You deserve better.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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