Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

1/19/2003

Virginity - Tell or ??
Is My Wife A Lesbian?
A Fantasy Love



Virginity - Tell or ??

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 20 year old, i've been dating this guy for about 7 months and we did have sex. however, we broke up for about 11 months already. he is my first boyfriend, and this is the first time i had sex. i know i wouldn't want to sleep with any other guys any more until i meet my future husband. Because im worry that when i get married in the future and my husband find out that iam not a virgin, he will feel uncomfortable and arguments follow. Especially chinese male, most of them are very minded if their wife is not a virgin.

Q- i know hymen can be broken by trauma or some people may even born without one. however, is it easy for a guy to find out that the girl is not virgin? what are some of the ways that they might think the girl is not a virgin?

i am not dating anyone at the moment, because i would like to finish my degree first. but when i get married or dating someone later on, do you think i should tell them that iam not virgin if they ask?

Dear Once A Virgin,

Once youíre no longer a virgin, you canít go back and pretend to be a virgin. Youíd be living a lie, and thatís not good for your self-esteem. Itís as if youíre saying, ďIím no longer good enough the way I am, so I have to lie about myself.Ē

Losing your virginity is not something you can take back. Whether you sleep with anyone else or not, you are no longer a virgin, and you might as well accept the reality of your situation.

But just because youíre not a virgin doesnít mean you should be ashamed or feel as if you have to lie or hide your non-virgin state. Virginity is highly over-rated. Most sophisticated men could care less, and would actually rather have an experienced woman than a virgin. They donít want to be responsible for taking a womanís virginity, and they donít want to have to teach a woman how to make love. They want a contributing partner in bed, not a student. They prefer a woman who already knows how to make love.

Donít even think about lying about how your hymen was broken by trauma or that you were born without one. Youíre 20 years old, and most men will simply assume youíre no longer a virgin. You havenít been living in a nunnery.

Be proud of who you are. Own your life experiences and realize that what you have done and who youíve done it with are part of who you are. Learn to accept the decisions youíve made in life and learn to live with those decisions especially the ones that are life-altering, like losing your virginity.

You will never be the same as you were when you were a virgin. Accept that and move on. You want to know if a man can tell if youíre a virgin. Well, sure he can. He can tell by the way you feel when he has sex with you, and he can tell by the way you act.

The only time itís appropriate for a man to ask such a question is if youíre about to have sex and heís concerned about how to treat you if you are a virgin. If a man asks you if youíre a virgin under any other circumstances, heís being really crass. Donít answer him. Simply say, ďIf and when I feel you need to know that, Iíll tell you.Ē

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Is My Wife A Lesbian?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 33 year old male who was married to a 28 year old female just last month. I can't imagine being any happier than I was on my wedding day. However, my wife recently purchased her own computer, and due to some complications with my computer, I needed to use hers for work purposes. Curiosity got the best of me, and I looked at her history of web sites she had visited. I was shocked to see that she had visited bi sexual chat rooms, lesbian web sites, as well as just sites of naked women. I couldn't beleive my eyes. I was very shocked to say the least. How do I bring this up to her? I know I wont be able to just disregard it.

We were recently watching a movie that involved a lesbian relationship. She proceeded to tell me that one of her Aunts is a lesbian, as well as one of her cousins. She went further to tell me that she doesn't think there is anything wrong with it, and that she thinks you are born that way & people can't help it.

I think my wife has either had sex with a woman in the past, or strongly desires to do so. I am feeling inadequate in bed, feeling as if she is imagining it was a woman touching her. What do I do? Please help.

Dear Shocked,

You should know that probably ninety percent of all women have some bi-curiosity. Itís not at all unusual for a woman to wonder what it would be like to make love with another woman. Does that mean that ninety percent of all women are lesbians? Of course not.

Just because youíre wife is looking at bi and lesbian websites doesnít mean sheís a lesbian, but it does mean sheís curious. Donít be shocked. Be accepting. Would you really rather she be looking at pictures of naked men?

Enjoy your wife and be happy with your lovemaking. If sheís willing to talk to you about her Aunt and her cousin's lesbian behavior, then talk to her about it. If she sees nothing wrong with that, so what. Most people donít.

Wake up and get with it. If you want to experiment with your wife, try making love to her like a woman would, with soft kisses, and lots of gentle romantic touching. Then, follow that by making love to her like a man. Lucky her, sheíll have the best of both worlds. Bring home movies with girl-girl sex scenes and let your wife get turned on by them and then you reap the benefits. Have fun with her on the computer looking at women.

There are men who think bi-sexual women are the best lovers of all. If your wife can appreciate both sexes, all the better. That just makes her a more open, more sensual person.

Donít be a prude and donít let your wifeís appreciation for both sexes mess up your marriage

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



A Fantasy Love

Dear Dr. Tracy,

i'm female age 46 married twice,not happy in current marriage. i have made contact with a gentleman with whom i have made correspondence. is it possible to fall in love without having seen that person? we email each other, phone calls, text messages. he's arriving early next month, we will finally meet. i have a photo of him.

gratefully yours

Dear Letter Writer,

Just because you have corresponded with someone, emailed him and even exchanged photos and phone calls doesn't mean you can really be in love with that person. You can be in love with the fantasy of who you think that person is, but you really donít know that person at all.

Anybody can be great in your fantasy. But when reality hits, things change. You think youíre in love because youíre unhappy in your marriage and you think that this man is better than your husband. However, if you were married to him and faced with him in real life, with real-life problems, he wouldnít look as good as he does in your imagination.

Itís easy to be wonderful when youíre corresponding, because you can self-censor everything you say or write. Real life doesn't work that way.

You never really know someone until you see how they act under stress, how they deal with lifeís real problems and tragedies, and whether they stick around when the going gets tough.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

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You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)




(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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