Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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He Wants Her To Be His Dominatrix
Breaking Up Blues

He Wants Her To Be His Dominatrix

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My fiance has told me that he wants me to be his dominatrix. We realy have a very loving and "normal" relationship otherwise. He has told me that this is not a life-style, just something he wants to do. He has also told me that he has never thought about doing this with anyone else but me. He works hard and is totaly devoted to me. I do not understand where this is coming from, and know nothing about this.

I realy want to make him happy, but could you explain what makes a man want this kind of sex play. Is this caused from something that happened in childhood, as he is very close to his mother. He is a very manly man, but most of the time he waits to be told what to do. He will tell me if he wants something, but for the most part he leaves the decision making up to me -- how he wears his hair, beard, clothes, cars, etc. The only place that he takes the lead is with sex, even then it is always what makes me happy. When we first met he told me that he wanted me to be his best friend, lover, wife, partner, and even mother. I do not want to hurt this wonderful man's feelings, but if I could understand what is behind this I would feel more comfortable with this. Any help you can give me with this matter would be greatly appreciated, take care, thank you, and God bless.

Dear ďNormal,Ē

Just because a couple has unusual ways of expressing their sexuality with each other doesnít mean that theyíre not normal. Almost anything is normal if two consenting adults are involved. Many otherwise very normal couples indulge in dominating and submissive sex play.

Men who want to be sexually dominated are often men who are very powerful at work in in other aspects of their lives. They have a desire to give up control in a safe way, often to a loving yet controlling sexual dominatrix. Whatís interesting is the fact that in setting up the dominatrix situation and deciding how they should be dominated, they're really being in control in a different way.

Itís very possible that your husbandís closeness to his mother has something to do with his desire to find a loving and controlling woman who will dominate him Ė even more than mom did. Sometimes a young boy becomes accidentally aroused while heís being reprimanded or spanked by his mother. He then grows up looking for a woman to take his momís place and sexually arouse him while spanking or dominating him. Heís obviously hoping that he's found someone in you who will do something like that.

Every couple has their own agreements on who does what in their lives, and often in their bed as well. You and your fiance have to find your own agreements, and only you can decide if you want to be his sexual dominatrix or not. Start by exploring sexual domination on the Internet together and find out exactly what your future husband has in mind. Take a look at some videos of dominatrix scenarios being acted out and see if the idea turns you on at all. Only you can decide if you want to participate in his sexual fantasy.

You certainly need to address this before you marry him. You need to find out if you like being his dominatrix, and if you donít, whether he can live without it. You need to explore your own reactions to being sexually dominant. If it turns you on, fine. If not, you and your future husband have some serious issues to resolve.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Breaking Up Blues

Dear Dr. Tracy,

A six year long relationship in which I was involved ended a week ago. I'm having a very hard time with this. He told me he is in love with another woman and doesn't have to defend his actions to me and that I am full of hate. The biggest part of my problem is that I work with them both.

Here's some background information. I am 43 years old, he is 48. We met at work during his divorce. I had been divorced about two years before that. At first I avoided him but he was persistent and, after much pursuit on his part, we started to see one another.

We would meet after work at a park on the way home. He was still married at the time and we didn't want to risk being seen together. That seemed to set the pattern for the next six years though. We never went out in public and we told very few people we knew one another even after his divorce was final. We wanted to avoid complications at work because I was a middle management and he was a subordinate.

For six years I have listened to hours and hours of his problems with his kids, his ex-wife, his first true love who died in an accident. When he was sick, I cared for him. When he was depressed, I listened to him. When he needed tutoring on the job for a promotion, I helped him. I was always there for him.

I asked him often to come hear me sing. He never did because something was always in the way; yet he would go watch friends in softball tournaments or volleyball games or any other function that came up.

At first he told me he loved me but that sort of dwindled after the first 2 years. He said he couldn't make a commitment until he healed from the pain of his divorce and his first love's death. He told me to keep trying though. Every time I tried to call it quits because I wanted more, he would tell me he couldn't let me go because I was such a big part of his life and I was the only one who could ever make him happy again.

Last year he asked me to move to New Mexico with him when we retired (in 5 years). I agreed. Then, I was diagnosed with diabetes and he seemed to become really distant. He didn't want to talk about it and when I wanted to talk about it, he told me I was nothing but doom and gloom.

This past year has been terrible. I've had trouble at work due to a change in administration. They came in head hunting for those loyal to the previous administration and I was on the list. The week before Christmas, one of the new upper level supervisors (a female) came in and berated me and humiliated me after she had been at our facility for only one month. She was instrumental in having me demoted and orchestrating my relocation to another facility which will take place at the 1st of February. When I complained to my guy about how awfully she had treated and misjudged me, he told me I was being too hard on her and that she was only carrying out the wishes of her supervisors. He defended her vehemently.

I found out last week that he had started seeing her the week after she came in and had "fallen in love with her." He told me he never loved me and that I am nothing but filled with hate. He then said he refused to talk about it anymore and did not have to defend anything he's done to me because he doesn't owe me anything and he never asked me to love him.

Since I'm leaving for the new work site soon, she and several other of my supervisors have ordered me to train the guy how to do my job. I've tried to avoid him, but I can't because of the work situation. I see her everyday, I see him everyday. I hear his name everywhere I go because all our acquaintances are in common.

My wrist is black and blue from the rubber band I've been snapping (one of your suggestions). I'm mumbling broken popcorn machine to myself. I cry and cry and cry when no one is watching. There's no one to talk to about this because no one knows we were seeing one another.

I've lost everything I had and had dreamed for and was hoping for in the matter of 4 weeks. I feel like a failure. I want him to know I'm not full of hate that I'm full of hurt and there is a big difference.

I think I need therapy but, since the demotion I'm taking a big pay cut as well, so, my budget isn't going to allow for that right now. I'm angry at him and at her. I want them to know how badly I hurt -- but I can't.

Any better suggestions than the ones I've tried so far? This is a lot of loss all at one time and I'm having a hell of a time processing it all.

I'm sorry for unloading like this, but I've been holding it in and it's making me sick. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Dear Full of Hurt,

The best thing to do when you break up with someone is to stop seeing them entirely. Unfortunately, youíre stuck, working with him and his new girlfriend. Youíre also stuck in the past, worrying about what he thinks about you and about what might have been.

Itís time to say good-bye to him emotionally. That means saying good-bye to all the dreams of retiring together in New Mexico and living happily ever after.

Your biggest mistake was staying around him so long when he was showing none of the signs that he was moving toward commitment. As a matter of fact, hiding your relationship was a sign that he had no intention of becoming a permanent couple.

Ask yourself why you were willing to accept such a pittance in the relationship instead of having the kind of relationship where you were proud to be around each otherís friends and families. If a man wonít introduce you as his ďwoman,Ē thereís something wrong.

A part of you knew after two years that things were going downhill, but you stayed around anyway for four more years, never getting what you wanted from him. The fact that he seemed to be promising that things would work out one day was more fiction than reality, but you chose to believe it because you wanted to.

Now itís time to face facts. Heís a jerk. It doesnít matter if he knows youíre hurt or full of hate or both. It doesn't matter what he thinks at all. Just remind yourself that heís going to wind up being as big a jerk with her as he was with you. Be glad to be done with him.

For the short time remaining that you're stuck with them, suck it up, do what you have to do, and concentrate on yourself, your moving plans, and thinking about how good it will be to be gone. Then, as soon as you've moved, start looking for a new man in your life. Getting back into the social scene will be good for you, even if you donít feel like it. This time, donít settle for less than 100 percent.

If you canít afford therapy, join a womenís group. Lots of girlfriend therapy can be a good substitute for professional therapy.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy


Dear Dr. Tracy,

This may look like a spoof, but here is the "problem:" I'm a 63-year old widow, healthy and athletic. Six months ago I met a widower, recently retired, and we hit it off beautifully. We relish each other's company and have the same interests. However I had what you might view as a superficial first impression of him based on his personal appearance: Neck length, skanky hair (styled with its own natural oils, e.g. dirt) and scruffy side whiskers. On that first encounter my eyes went straight to the hair and told me "eccentric, set in his ways, unmarriagable." I am a licensed hair stylist, and do great cuts for many of our mutual friends (we are all in our 60s).

I have told him nicely, with much preliminary flattery, how great he looks right after a wash and hand-done trim, but he refuses to let me anywhere near his hair. I read it that he doesn't trust me; he says he has to "maintain his independence" and acts as though I'm trying to cut off something else. Meanwhile, I'm loath to introduce him to my critical children because he looks scruffy and unpresentable. We've been in love for six months. I'm wondering whether our relationship will stand or fall on his hair.

Dear In Love,

Let me understand this Ė when you met this guy, you were immediately turned off by his skanky hair. Yet you obviously found him attractive in other ways, because you fell in love with him. For six months, you've "hit it off beautifully," but now you're back to the hair thing. In fact, it sounds like it's a make-or-break issue in your relationship.

What were you thinking? That you'd hide him for awhile, and by the time your children got curious about him, you'd have him all trimmed and bobbed?

Haven't you heard that men in their 60ís arenít known for being flexible? Obviously, his neck-length hair is part of his self-image, and he's told you he wants to "maintain his independence." I think this situation is aggravated, not helped, by your being a licensed hair stylist. Of course he doesn't trust you -- he probably thinks that if he let you anywhere near his hair, you'd try to turn him into a Ken Doll.

I suspect he's right. You sound very proud of being a hair stylist, but you're going to have to give up on being his hair stylist. In fact, I think your best outcome here is to negotiate a compromise: if he promises to wash his hair every x days, you'll promise never to come near him with scissors.

Let him have his self-image. Do you know how lucky you are, as a 63-year-old widow, to have found someone to love? Can you love him with long hair if it's clean? If so, be happy. Tell him he looks like Willie Nelson.

And quit worrying about what your children will think of him. At this stage, neither you nor your kids get to approve your mates. Itís hard enough to find someone you like, without worrying about what your kids will think. As long as youíre happy, thatís what counts.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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