Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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Moving for Love
Obsessed With An Ex
When the Odds Are Awful

Moving for Love

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 25 y/o and fell madly in love with a 32 y/o man about a year ago. He was from France but working in the states. We lived together for about 6 months and were only completely commited to this relationship for the last 3. (I was wary of starting a new relationship in the beginning after just getting out of one). After those 6 months, he moved back to France where he was to quit his current job and start his own business. He had made that business decision when we were in those uncertain first 3 months.

I have just graduated from college a year agao and trying , myself, to break into a new career. I have yet to find anything but am working very hard on it. Meanwhile, we have been doing the long-distance thing for 5 months where I have travelled twice to visit him. He has asked me to move there but I am feeling really anxious about it. I have not even had a foot in the door in my own career or even in the states. Unemployment is twice as high in France and I don't speak the language. He himself is not financially dependable as he has his assets tied up in the new business. He says he would move back here in 2 years if his business falls through. But he is begging me to come there. I feel like I will be starting out like a baby there and my dependency would put a lot of strain on the relationship.

Please your advice would be incredibly valuable. I have never loved somebody so much but should I give up all I have here?

Thank you for your time.

Dear Madly in Love,

When you are madly in love, it's important to give that love a chance. If you don't, you will spend the rest of your life wondering "what if." You'll be comparing every man you meet with your fantasy of how life would have been with the man from France.

Sure you'd be taking a chance. But you'd be taking a chance if you met someone who lived in the U.S.

Going to France to live with this man who is begging you to come will be a great life adventure. Whether it works out or not, you'll have the wonderful experience of living in another country. You'll learn to speak French and who knows what opportunities will come your way in France.

There's a fine line between fear and excitement. Stop looking at this with fear and start looking at it with excitement.

Right now you don't have a job where you are, so you wouldn't be giving up that much. Instead of worrying about your dependency putting a strain on the relationship, you should realize that letting him becoming your "teacher of life" in his homeland will make your man feel important and could be very good for your relationship.

Don't miss this opportunity. Timing is everything. Go for it now. You can always come back if it doesn't work out.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Obsessed With An Ex

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 35 yr old divorced woman with a rather challenging conflict I can't seem to get over. It's regarding my ex-boyfriend , my current pregnancy, my current boyfriend and my ex's fiancee. I broke up with my ex last summer after a 2.5 year relationship. I left him because he was constantly checking my voice mail, email, you name it. After living together a year with no engagement and no foreseeable behaviour changes, I left. Well, a week after we split he started seeing someone, I was relieved and eager to also meet people. Well, I started seeing my current boyfriend last Christmas. Things were a bit shaky in the beginning and I found myself missing my ex and the nice life we had (despite the controlling behaviour) so we started sleeping together on occasion. My ex told me he was still seeing the same woman but he wasn't "into her" and it wasn't serious.

Well, several months later she moves in because he felt "sorry for her" and wouldn't break it off. I was still seeing my boyfriend but secretly hoping to get back with my ex for I had doubts about my new guy. At the end of the month I found out I was pregnant..unplanned and unexpected, I panicked. I had been with both my ex and my current boyfriend. I told the ex the situation and he insisted on a prenatal DNA test which I did not do. I eventually fessed up to my boyfriend that my ex may be involved and he was upset but we are still together. To top it off, I find out in April that my ex was engaged and had been since New Years to the woman he "wasn't into".

Since I found this out I have been obsessed with wanting to tell his fiancee everything and ruin his facade of a life. I dream of them constantly and find myself so jealous that she is in his nice house with all the bells and whistles and I am living with my parents 5 minutes away. He says he feels bad but doesn't know if the baby is his and doesn't know what to do. Meanwhile, my BF wants to get married and be a family but he moved out of state. I'm living with not knowing who is the father for sure, plus the rejection that my ex got engaged to someone else so soon and used me. They even have a website of their upcoming big posh wedding.

I know I put myself in a bad position and I take ownership but does the fiancee have the right to know what is going on? If the baby is my ex's should I even tell him? He doesn't appear to be that interested or concerned. Part of this is regressive immature behaviour and the other part is me wanting some type of closure.

Thanks! Obsessed and Regressing

Dear Obsessed and Regressing,

When you break up with someone, it's often hard to remember why. You look back on the relationship and tend to remember the good parts and forget the negatives. That's what's happened to you.

You've managed to put your ex's controlling behaviors and inability to commit out of your mind. All you can think about is the "nice" life you had. You decided to become a friend with benefits. You were having sex and thinking that meant he was telling you the truth about how involved he was with this other woman.

Of course he told you he wasn't "into her" -- so that you would continue to have sex with him! He's a jerk, but then a part of you already knew that because you left him. You want him back because you think this other woman is getting all the good parts of him and none of the bad ones. That's just not true. He'll treat her the same way he treated you. Sometimes we want someone back just because someone else has him.

You aren't an angel in this mess. You were seeing one guy and secretly hoping to get another one back, even offering sex as part of the bargain. Your ex obviously doesn't want any part of you or your pregnancy. He's hoping it will all go away and that he won't have to deal with it. Saying you need a prenatal test is just a way to get rid of you, and it's working. I'm sure he's hoping that the baby isn't his.

You're lucky if your new boyfriend still wants to be with you and support you through this mess. He says he wants to get married and be a family, yet he moves out of state. That's not a good sign.

Most troubling is that instead of thinking about your own life and your baby, you are obsessing about your ex and his fiancé and their wedding. You really need to get your priorities in order. First think about yourself and your baby. You're going to have to find a way to deal with having a child no matter who the father is.

Tell these men they'll have to participate in a paternity test when the baby is born. Then be grateful for the man who is willing to stand with you, if either of them do. Be grateful that your parents are supporting you and that you have a place to live.

Being jealous of your ex's future bride won't do you any good. Jealousy will eat you up and destroy your life. Of course you have to tell your ex if the baby is his. As for telling his fiancée, forget it. What good will it do you to make her unhappy?

It's very possible that your ex and his bride to be will be a part of your life for years to come. After all, if the baby is his, he'll have to pay child support. You may want him to act as a father and he might want to share custody in some way. There's probably a part of him that is hoping you won't tell him if he's the father, but that's not realistic. What is realistic is for you to act like an adult and take responsibility for your life and the life of your child.

Try to maintain good relationships with your ex, his wife to be, your new boyfriend and your parents. You're going to need all the help you can get.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

When the Odds Are Awful

Dear Dr. Tracy,

i am falling in love with a women who is 17 years older then me lives 3 hours away and is my step mothers cousin and two years ago i slept with her daughter can this work? (sorry about my grammer)

Dear Falling In Love,

Fall out of love quickly. Put a stop to this before you go any further.

Most relationships don't work out. Even relationships with everything going for them have only a slight chance of becoming permanent. So when you start a relationship with all the cards stacked against you, you're doomed to failure and frustration.

This relationship has no chance of working out at all. Think ice cubes in hell, snow in the Sahara, or marrying the ghost of Princess Di. That's about how much chance you have of making this work out.

I can only think you really don't want a relationship at all, or you would fall in love with someone your own age who lives closer and whose daughter you haven't slept with. The woman would be an idiot to even consider you, so save yourself the trouble.

Falling in love with someone so impossible is a good way to protect yourself from the reality of falling for someone you could really have.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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