"Ask Dr. Tracy"

01/21/96 Advice Column

How to talk dirty, Understanding "No," A guy to dump

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My girlfriend joked over the phone to me recently to talk dirty to her. Well, that raised the question what is talking dirty? Is it lewd, graphic 900-number talk, or sexual implications like you might hear on an episode of"Three's company"? When I asked what she thought it was, she told me it was what I wanted to say to her... not much help.

Dear would-be dirty talker,

Talking dirty means "turn me on with words." So, what turns your girlfriend on? Talk about her secret fantasies and how you will do them with her when you're together. If you don't know her fantasies, read Nancy Friday's "Secret Garden", then try different ones on her until you find her hot button.

Study the great dirty talkers. Read Henry Miller's Tropic of Cancer or Tropic of Capricorn, for example. Check out "Inner Languages" in the Love Library.

My friend The Old Seducer says, "Son, when a woman asks you to 'talk dirty,' she doesn't mean 'Three's Company.' She means dirty. Tell her graphically what you're going to do to her, with lots of 'throbbing' and 'hot' and 'wet.' And if she likes it, tell her she's naughty and will have to be spanked. She'll probably like that, too. You got yourself a hot one, son; you're in for the time of your life."

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been trying desperately to figure out something. I have a guy mentor whom avoids me like the plague. I think that he has feelings for me, but he keeps denying it. If he knows I am going to be somewhere, he makes sure that he won't be there. A lot of people think that he is in love with me. He has never let me down. I run to him for a lot of advice. He also hates hearing the word "Mentor". He confuses me with his friendship with his ex-wife. I don't know if he is running back to her because he is scared of me or still loves her. They see each other every weekend as "friends". I just want to be his friend. I feel that there is more to what he feels, but I can't seem to find the proof. I would love to date him someday. We tried dating for a couple of weeks and it didn't work out. I was trying to get over a bad relationship. I guess that we were attracted to each other because we were both going through rough times. He was the one to end our short relationship. I just can't understand if he hates me, then why is he always there for me? Maybe that is his nature.

Thanks, Confused

Dear confused,

This man ended your relationship, denies he has feelings for you, and avoids you like the plague. My rule is, if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck. You're obsessing about this guy, and just can't accept that he doesn't want you. If a man says he doesn't want you, always believe him.

So why has he 'never let you down'? Some guys have a rescue reflex. Your mentor sounds like one of these. Unfortunately for you, that means you always have to be a victim to get his attention. Sounds like he'd actually like to be back with his ex-wife. And take my word for it, they're more than 'friends.'

Check out "Summary Guide for Finding Someone" in the Love Library.

My friend The Old Seducer has a more blunt, male view: "Hey, gal, what part of 'no' don't you understand? This guy probably thought you were cute and then decided you were too much of a pain in the ass. Happens all the time. Find yourself another guy."

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My boyfriend and I have been dating over 5 years now. We are both 23 years old. Lately, it seems that our relationship has not been progressing and that I am giving more than he is. He has admitted that he has problems sharing his life with me, ie. we never hang out with his friends. He says he feels that it is an intrusion on his independence. Of course, I am troubled by this. Especially since one of his good frinds that he sees on occasion is an ex-girlfriend of his. They dated many, many years ago and were not lovers. I had a difficult time accepting their relationship and to be quite honest I still do. However, I've learned to keep my jealousies within. I've met this girl on several occasions, but he still refuses to include me on their outings. He says he likes to keep his relationship and his friendships apart. I find this unfair since I have opened that part of my life to him.

Also, I feel that he has kept some things from me, i.e. telling me white lies or withholding information, because he doesn't want to upset me. This makes me not trust him even more. I have discovered inconsistencies in some of the things he had told me. What should I do? Is his relationship worth saving?

Dear 5 years is enough,

The problem here is that you've been putting up with his lousy withholding behavior all these years. Now he thinks it's his right to be that way -- and if you say you don't like it, it's like telling him you don't like the way he makes love after you've been faking orgasms (not saying you have).

You're right about every one of his rotten behaviors. In order to get him to shape up, you may have to leave. Then only take him back on a different basis. Certainly, you can't continue to put up with this.

The relationship is only worth saving if it changes.

Check out "The Broken Popcorn Machine" in the Love Library. My friend The Old Seducer growls, "You deserve better, lady. Dump this asshole."

Questions may be submitted to Dr. Tracy's column by e- mail. Questions of general interest may be answered in this column, however Dr. Cabot regrets that she cannot answer all questions submitted.

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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