Great Guy, Bad Sex
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am 33 years old and never been married. I live in San Diego, CA at the beach and am a "beach" girl. I am blonde, tall, attractive, athletic and even surf. I have dated quite a few men and never wanted to settle and I don't have any regrets.
I recently met someone through a friend who is awesome in every way, except the sex is not great. My last boyfriend was the best lover I ever had, but, that's it....surprise, he turned out to be an insecure, self-absorbed womanizer. I may be wrongfully comparing the 2.....
So, my new boyfriend and I are great.....we are a bit opposite...I'm a little crazier and he's very level headed but we balance each other out perfectly. He's never been married either, so we have 2 people pretty much set in their ways by our age (he is 36).
So, my worry is that he is not very romantic or sexual....so, sex is over pretty quick and it's seems almost like he's inexperienced, which is why it is bad. I definately could see myself with him for years to come and I thought maybe the sex would get better as we got to know each other more. (Instead of the relationships that start out based on wild passionate sex, but have no other substance).
I have told him subtly things that I like and have mentioned that we don't have sex that often, but he seems to think everything is fine. It is really not good (which makes me wonder if his previous girlfriends were fine with it or maybe my previous "cassanova" boyfriend actually tainted my future sex life????
Dear No Regrets,
Life is full of compromises, even in relationships, and I applaud your willingness to look at the whole picture of this man instead of just the sex. Obviously, you've had great sex and you know this isn't it. So the question you have to ask yourself is if you're ready to give up great sex for life.
You could try to expand his horizons with experimentations, x-rated movies, toys, etc., but he just doesn't sound that interested. There are men for whom sex is just not that important, and he seems like one of them.
A healthy man in his 30's who was into sex would want it regularly, morning and night. Since your guy isn't that sexual, you'd have to be happy with the sex you're getting, or your relationship would suffer - assuming he won't change - and that's what you truly think.
You're also smart enough to realize that you're pretty set in your ways, so giving up hot sex might not be that easy for you in spite of any obvious advantages. You could get into a relationship with this man, even marry him, and find that you still have unfulfilled sexual needs.
You're really too young to make that big of a sacrifice. If this man doesn't perk up and start pushing your hot buttons, look for a man with whom you have hot sex to begin with. Even the greatest sex starts to fade as time goes by. Couples have kids and that inhibits sex, they get old, their backs go out, etc., so I don't think you'd want to start with mediocre sex and go down from there.
Looking for Fatherhood
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am writing to you after reading some posts, as I have a truly unique situation I would appreciate your experience with.
I am a 38 yr old man, divorced over 2 years ago and have been dating a wonderful girl here in California for the last 18 months. We "clicked" from the beginning and have not left off. I have no children, even though married for 11 years. I was not sure whether I ever wanted children until I met this girl but she's a kindergarten teacher and she has opened my eyes to possibility so much that I really want to have children.
I had a vasectomy reversal done (successful!) in July of 2004 but tests since this time show I have low sperm count and very low motility. This even though I am in excellent health (a competitve NATURAL bodybuilder).
Doc, I love this girl very much, she is the sunshine in my day and has the best heart of anyone I have ever met. I am a fitness model and get more than my fair share of female attention but, even though this girl is no model, she is totally beautiful in my eyes and I want to be with her constantly.
I have gone to some of the best fertility doctors in So Cal and they all have told me Invitro (IVF) is my only real option for children and at best, it's a 40% chance of having children. Although I want marry this girl and spend my life with her, I cannot bear the thought of her being without children. If you saw her with them, you would understand that this is a girl who was meant to be a mother....
My heart and hers are broken with the facts we are facing. Should I let her go so that she can have the family she so desires (she's almost 33 and not getting younger)? I am tortured at doing the right thing, but I want her to be happy and not regret not having children someday - please help me with any advice you may have...
Give yourself and the woman you love a break. Of course you can marry, and there are all kids of ways of having children. Being a father doesn't mean it has to be your sperm. If you really want to have children, you'll realize that they don't have to be your biological children. There are children all over the world in desperate need of loving parents. People who really want to become parents find a way.
Talk to her about the options and see if the two of you can come to an agreement about having children, and what you'll both be willing to do. For your part, you've already shown the best of intentions by getting your vasectomy reversed and looking into the viability of your sperm.
If you find that you can't agree ahead of time on your goals as far as having children goes -- if it's got to be her husband's sperm and no compromise, then -- and only then -- should you reconsider marriage.
I really believe that with love and compromise, you can solve this problem.
A Younger Man
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I'm in love with a younger man (11 years my junior). The problem is he's not in love with me. I met him over the internet, we slept with each other on the first date. And the next time we saw each other, he told me he just wanted to be friends. His explanation, when I pushed him for a reason, was that I "just wasn't the type of person" that he would date. He said he didn't know what it was, there's just something about me that makes him uncomfortable. I have been hanging in there and talking to him via E-mail and the very "rare" phone conversation that I initiate. He only talks to me via e-mail. He doesn't even call me.
I saw him once in April and I've been trying to get together with him since August and he kept giving me excuses and we weren't able to hook up until just last night. Last night we made love and it was great. The next morning, however, he couldn't even climax with me. Then we went out to eat and when we got back three hours later, he just wanted to get his things out of my place and leave. He DID NOT want to have sex with me. So, he left, giving me several slow tantalizing tongue kisses before going out of the door.
I think I am in love with him. I think he's got a good heart, but he's sexually promiscuous. He dosen't use condoms with the "friends" that he sleeps with. He says he dosen't have a lot of sexual partners, but he sleeps with several "friends". He says he dosen't use condoms because he "trusts" the women he sleeps with. When I tell him that this is unsafe, he doesn't want to hear it.
I have been talking to this man for almost a year, 90% by e-mail, and he still dosen't want to date me. I've wasted a lot of time on him. I think about him all of time. I don't understand how he could tongue kiss me then not want sex with me. Before he left, I made it clear that I was willing but, he said "I've got to leave now to beat the traffic (he did have a three hour drive to deal with). Is there any way that I can win him? Can you give me any advice??
No matter how willing you are and no matter how much you love someone, it only matters if that person loves you back. Sure, you can have unrequited love, where you just love altruistically from afar, spend your life yearning and wishing and never having him actually in your life, but that's no fun. You wind up unhappy most of the time and unfulfilled all the time.
Women who love men who don't love them back are just setting themselves up to be hurt. Even if a man loves you back and you love him, there's no guarantee that the two of you will wind up together for life. But you have a better chance of finding someone to spend your life with if you start with mutual love. Better yet, find someone who loves you even more than you love him.
You have to start out being adored by the man you're going to marry. That way, when problems arise -- and they always do -- you have a bank of love to fall back on. Starting out without getting enough love is worse than starting out without getting enough sex.
Sure, he kissed you passionately, just in case he changes his mind and wants to come back, but he's made it abundantly clear that he only wanted you for sex, and he's not even sure he wants you for that. Move on before you let your self-esteem get totally destroyed. Or worse -- before you get an STD from him the next time he has nothing better to do than sleep with you. You're a fool to "trust" this promiscuous guy -- because, in effect, you're "trusting" all his "friends."
Wake up. You've already wasted way too much time on this man, and taken too many risks. Don't spend months courting some online fantasy. The only approach with Internet guys is to get real as fast as you can. Otherwise the fantasy takes over, and reality rarely lives up to fantasy. Meet them ASAP. Make sure there's mutual attraction.
In any case, wherever you've met a guy -- on the Internet or in church -- if he doesn't call and doesn't want to date and doesn't want to have sex, you can assume he's not "the one."
Submitting a Question to this column
Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.
Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages
I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my
Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"
If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can
get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive
You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)
(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev
Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers,
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page
copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot