Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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Man Wearing Women's Panties
Affair with A Married Man
Dreams of an Ex

Man Wearing Women's Panties

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 40 year old male, and I wear womens panties quite often. My wife knows about it, in fact, occasionally she will buy me a pair. But there is more to it. See, I like to look at Transexuals (M to F) a lot. I like to see them dressed in panties as well as in sexual situations. Part of me gets excited when I see that stuff, and part of me feels guilty.

In some ways I also feel that Transexuals are lucky as well as Brave. They get to live their lives on their terms, dress the way they like to, and they seem to be generally happy. I guess what I am trying to say is that they live their lives on the outside the way I feel on the inside. I love my wife dearly, but some times I wish I could spend sometime in their shoes. What does this mean? Is my sexuality in question?

Sincerely, Majorly Confused

Dear Questioning,

You'd be surprised at how many men wear women's panties and other clothing either at home or in public. Many of them are married and their wives help them dress up and even buy clothing for them.

Some were turned on in childhood by a chance encounter with a woman's underwear, like their mother's or sister's. The silky touch excited them and they began to associate silkiness with sexiness. It's not at all unusual.

There is a difference between transexuals (who want to or have had actual sex changes) and transvestites (who only want to dress up in the clothing of the opposite sex). I suspect you are more of the latter and don't actually want a sex change. It takes a lot of bravery to actually get surgery to remove your sexual organs. But dressing up in women's clothing is pretty harmless and really doesn't hurt anyone.

Dressing in women's panties doesn't mean your sexuality is in question. So enjoy dressing up and don't worry about it. You are fortunate that you have a loving and understanding wife who is willing to share your fantasy. Don't feel guilty. Just be yourself. Let the inside person out and enjoy the person you are instead of yearning to be someone else.

Transexuals are not all happy. They just have to live with the decision they've made. Many have sex changes and find that they still don't have satisfactory love lives. The women who become men are often still attracted to other men, and the men who become women are often attracted to women too. Changing the outside doesn't change the inside, it just changes the packaging.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Affair with A Married Man

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hi, I am a 19 year old female college student. I am a very sexual person. I'm into very rough and crazy sex. Sex is my favorite pastime. I've been seeing a 38 year old married man with 3 children. We have been having a very steamy affair for 6 months now. The sex is amazing, we do the most wild stuff, and after every time he leaves me completely satisfied. Sometimes we have sex sometimes 6-8 times a night. We go on mini breaks all the time to the mountains, islands, and even random hotels.

Just a little background before the affair started: In the past year I went through a terrible break up with a guy my age who I had been seeing for two years and moved here to be with. Also my parents got divorced this past year and my dad, who I am very close to, has a serious girlfriend who he cheated on my mom with. Since my serious boyfriend, I have been with several guys, including a one night stand. (I lost my virginity to my ex, but the sex was never good.)

Should I feel guilty about seeing a married guy even though we are both enjoying ourselves? Should i stop seeing him? Do you think that I am just trying to get over all the drama in my life by being with this guy?

I'm clearly lost and caught up in my own sexual desires so any advice to get me off the path of homewreck would be great. Also, do you have any advice in my finding someone closer to my age who I am sexually compatable with?

Thanks, Nympho in Nashville

Dear Nypho,

This is a doomed affair. It's just sex. Nothing more. You haven't said anything good about him except that the sex is great. You don't say that the two of you have anything in common except that you are sexually involved. You don't say he's nice, kind, attentive, sensitive or loving, just that he leaves you satisfied.

You're having sex like rabbits and you are lucky that you haven't gotten pregnant. This affair is dangerous. He has a wife and three children. Frankly, he is using you and you are using him. You are both wrong. You must stop seeing him.

You really don't want to break up his marriage and hurt his wife the way your mother was hurt by your father's cheating.

You are just trying to find satisfaction and get away from the real problems in your life. The sex isn't going to satisfy you in the long run, and this affair will only keep you from finding someone your own age who is really available. You deserve a boyfriend who will be with you on holidays and weekends, not one who has a wife and children at home. You will never be first with a married man, and every woman wants to be first in her man's life.

It's very possible that you feel safe with this married man since he can't really offer you love and a lasting relationship. You think you can't get hurt if it's just sex, but you can. Imagine his wife showing up at your door with her three kids and confronting you. That'a a real possibility. She will find out and she will make you and him both miserable.

There are so many men your own age who would love to be with you if you'd give them a chance. Look on match.com for a more age appropriate man who is really available. Forget this married man before your life gets really messy.

You will feel so much better about yourself if you stop seeing him. You are ruining your self-esteem, and the longer you keep this up, the more dangerous it becomes.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dreams of an Ex

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been a fan of yours for years. I enjoy very much your sound and straight to the point advice.

I'm a 32 year old woman and have been married to a great man for 3 years. We've been together for 4.5 years totally. We have one year old twins together.

We had known each other at work long before we dated. It was a few months after we had both broken up with our respective long-term significant others when he relentlessly pursued me. The relationship was good: he was the best boyfriend I had ever had and we had so much fun together. But I had my doubts about our prospect. I didn't like that he had a pre-teen daughter from a previous marriage and honestly I thought I could do better look-wise. I pored over many of your previous columns and decided that his qualities far outweigh his 'baggage' and looks. Still, I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't go into the marriage with 100% confidence.

Lucky for me, it's worked out so far. He's a wonderful, loving husband and father. We are supportive and respectful to each other. Our love seems to only get deeper over time. I love him and believe that marrying him is the best decision I've made. We're happy with our lives, excited about our future and looking forward to growing old together.

Yet, I keep having recurring dreams about my ex-fiancÚ. We were each other's first love and sexual partner. He and I had a stormy relationship that lasted for about 3 years. We fought frequently, broke up, dated other people and got back together many times. There was a lot of passion but evidently it wasn't a healthy relationship. I do not love my ex. And it really bothers me that I still dream about him. I feel as though I cheated on my husband. My husband wouldn't mind me fantasizing about total strangers once in a while (we have a good sex life and talking about our fantasies is a favorite activity). He would be alarmed though to know I'm still thinking/dreaming about my ex.

Would you give me some insights? Are these dreams harmless and not much to worry about? Or are they a reflection of something missing in my life and marriage? How do I get rid of the dreams?

Thank you very much!

Dear Dreamer,

You sound like you have a wonderful marriage and that you chose the right man to spend your life with. You two have made a life together and there is no reason for you to worry about whether you made the right decision. He is perfect for you.

As for your ex, you had a rocky time together with endless break ups and make ups. The relationship was obviously unhealthy and yet you kept going back to him. That means you kept hoping to make it better even though it never improved.

Dreams are often wish fulfillment. In other words, your dreams are fulfilling your long-ago wish that you and the ex could get it together. In reality you know it never worked and never would. The honest person you are when you're awake knows that you don't love your ex, but dreams aren't always realistic or honest.

So in your dreams, your long-ago wish to make that relationship work comes up again and again. In truth, we never truly get over those old relationships, but they do fade. Somewhere in our subconscious, those feelings live on and sneak into our dreams. Eventually, your dreams of your ex will get less frequent, but that doesn't mean you'll never have one.

Don't tell your husband about dreams of your ex. Husbands don't have to know everything, especially when it would hurt and confuse them for no reason.

These dreams are harmless and not a reflection of a problem in your marriage. Don't let them bother you. Write them off and go on with your life. They can only bother you if you let them.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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