"Ask Dr. Tracy"

2/4/96 Advice Column

Bisexual or just experimental?, Re-stoking the fire, Too smart to play the Mating Game?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been obsessed lately with having sex with another woman. I don't know what to do. My boyfriend said he would rather me have sex with another woman thatn be sexual frustrated all the time, but I really don't know if that is the answer. I'm afraid that I will like it more than having sex with him, and I won't want to be with him anymore.

Please tell me if I should go ahead and have sex with another girl or should I just ignore my feelings.

Sexually frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I don't think you're going to be happy until you have the "sex with another woman" experience. Many women do so without turning gay, you know. Perhaps you are bisexual. You could even be gay, and that's not the end of the world. More likely, you're just curious.

A recent survey in American Woman magazine showed that many women, like you, fantasize about sex with another woman. Of those that do, only a small percentage decide that they don't want men any more.

Many women report that after having sex with another woman they are more sensitive to men because they know what a man is feeling when a woman kisses him. They know what he feels when he touches them.

I think your boyfriend has a point, but the decision of whether to have sex with another woman, who she should be and under what circumstances is yours alone to make.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 28 year old male with a 33 year old wife. I have two kids, 4 year old daughter and 1 year old son. My problem is that my wife over the last year has dwindled in her passion for me. She even told me one time, "I could care less if we ever made love again." She just doesn't have that desire anymore. This pains me. I love my wife a lot. I want her badly, but what do I do when 9 times out of 10 that I ask her to make love she says, "no." I don't want to go looking elsewhere. I want my wife. Can you help me?

Dear Wanting,

All marriages go through hot and cool periods. If everyone went elsewhere when that happens, there'd be no faithful marriages left. Don't let the rejection turn you off. If you want more sex, work on making your lives sexier.

Don't just ask your wife to have sex with you. Seduce her. Take her to dinner. Cook for her. Plan a romantic rendezvous. Buy her a present. Tell her she's beautiful and make lots of kissy face before you sweep her off to the bedroom.

A 33 year old woman is at the peak of her sexuality. Perhaps she needs to get away from two young kids and smelly diapers to feel sexy. Hire a babysitter and take her to a hotel for the night. Do you know your wife's fantasy? Do you know what turns her on?

I suggest you read "Spicing Up Your Sex Life" in my Library for explicit suggestions on re-kindling your wife's ardor, as well as following keyword links to other related articles.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I feel ripped off by all the "self-help" books focused on women and relationships! In hopes of being a well-rounded, independent woman, I made up my mind in my early 20-s to do all the things I dreamed of...I'm now 30, college educated, president of a multi-million corporation, own my home, and have a stable, good income. People look at me in awe; I look at my life and think, "Is this all there is?"

I have had a series of relationships that tend to always end in the man saying either, "I have nothing to give you" or "I'm not ready for a serious relationship". I try to bolster my confidence and esteem with thoughts of how it's their loss, not mine..but in reality, I know that I must be coming across as very desperate and needy or not needy enough.

Must I apologize or hide my accomplishments of my life? I would like to settle down and have a family. I see my friends pretend to be ignorant about things, cry wolf to get attention, and/or act helpless around men; it infuriates me, but the men seem to love it!! I feel like a duck out of water..HELP!!

Dear Ms. Successful,

Yes, men need to be needed. We all do. Further, our society has mating rituals, just as in every species, which you can't skip just because you're successful. By not playing the game, you've left yourself out of the running. And you're not alone. I wrote a whole book, Marrying Later, Marrying Smarter, to address the special problems of smart, successful women who are 30+ years. One of the key points is that you can't stand around saying, "Hey, I'm smart, I'm successful, so I don't have to flirt."

But flirting and playing the game in general doesn't mean acting ignorant or helpless. Most interesting men prefer interesting women. You don't need to hide your accomplishments, you need to find a man who appreciates them. Are you certain about what you want? Since you have money and success, perhaps you need emotional support, love and intellectual companionship? If so, is that what you're choosing? Are the men you've chosen ready to commit? Are they truly available? Are you using the same intelligence you'd use to secure a business relationship in seeking a love relationship?

And once you get into a relationship, do you find it hard to share power? You may think you should get to be in charge at least half the time in a relationship, but you don't. Here's how it works: you get to be in charge 1/4 of the time, he gets 1/4, and the other half of the time, you compromise. Despite your business smarts, it sounds like you could benefit from spending some serious time in my Library. Try reading "Are You Looking or Waiting?" and then following keyword links to other related articles.

Questions may be submitted to Dr. Tracy's column by e- mail. Questions of general interest may be answered in this column, however Dr. Cabot regrets that she cannot answer all questions submitted.

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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