"Ask Dr. Tracy"

2/18/96 Advice Column

Low self-esteem, Love and lies on the Net, Fantasy prospects




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have feelings for a girl that I go to church with. The only problem is that I am too shy to ask the girl out and am so overweight it is pathetic. I wonder if there is any advice you could give me to get over my shyness for this (or any) girl?

Dear Shy and Overweight,

Being overweight doesn't mean you're out of the game. I've gone out with overweight guys who more than compensated for not having perfect bods by being bright, fun, supportive and even extra good in bed.

However, your shyness and the way you describe your weight suggest that you have an underlying self-esteem problem. It's probably best if you learn to like yourself, accept yourself, and say, "I'm okay just the way I am," before you try to get involved in a romantic relationship. The reason is that when someone with low self-esteem actually does achieve a relationship, he or she often doesn't feel worthy of love. Even if someone does love them, they either don't believe it or they screw up by wondering what's wrong with someone for loving such a "loser."

So I suggest you just become friends with this girl initially, while you go to work on boosting your self-esteem. It's not as hard as you might think. Concentrate on your inner qualities. Buckminster Fuller said, "What we see of a person represents only 1% of what the person really is." Don't judge yourself on the one percent. Get one or more of Nathaniel Branden's books on self esteem and take them to heart. You can do it!




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I met and fell in love over the internet...however, I was less than honest when trying to discover the depths of HIS feelings...I have hurt him terribly by my lack of trust and dishonesty...I desperately want another chance, but don't know how to accomplish this on line!! Should I just let him be...or is there a way I can absolve myself from what I have done??

Dear Less than Honest,

A lot of trust is involved when interacting through the internet, and you have betrayed the hoped-for honesty in the communication. You will have a long road ahead to re-earn this man's trust, and it may not be possible.

Start with a simple, upfront apology. Be honest about what you've done. At this point, that's the only way to re-establish trust. Then, while you're waiting, start looking for a new relationship because this one may never recover. If it doesn't, at least you tried, and you'll have learned the danger of being dishonest when you meet on the net.

On or off the net, trust is a key ingredient in any relationship. Violate it and your relationship becomes unbalanced and often falls totally off track.




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have a slight problem. The only 3 guys that I really want to be with are way out of my reach. The first guy, let's call him "Wes", well he is sort of engaged, but I still am turned on by his charms. He has a sweet Georgian accent that you have to fall in love with, and I did. The second guy, is someone I met on the internet. He lives like 10 states away from me. He even looks like my favorite football player, Steve Young, and I am in LOVE with Steve Young. So I will probably never meet my internet love. My third and final love is Steve Young, I am really obsessed with him. My every thought is of him. Please help me. I need to get over these guys in order to move on with my life!

Dear Dreamer,

Let's see... one of these guys is "sort of engaged," one lives ten states away, and one's a celebrity. My, what a good way you've found to avoid intimacy!

Instead of worrying about "getting over these guys," you should think about why you set yourself up to fail with men by falling for men who you can't have. Any chance you're commitment-phobic? If so, it's probably curable; see my answer to Thomas in last week's column.

If you're not commitment-phobic, you certainly have a disastrous dating strategy. Women who succeed in love don't waste time with hopeless causes; they date until they find someone with whom the attraction is mutual -- preferably someone who falls head over heels for them. I suggest you read "Summary Guide for Finding Someone" and follow the keyword links if you really want to "move on with your life."




Questions may be submitted to Dr. Tracy's column by e-mail. Dr. Tracy selects 3 questions of the most general interest per week to answer in this column, since it is not possible for her to answer all questions submitted.




(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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