Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

2/23/2003

Sex On A First Date
Gifts and Holidays
Sex for Three



Sex On A First Date

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Does sex on a first date, or too early in a relationship, always ruin a relationship? I slept with a man I am now seeing for a little over a month on our first meeting (we spent a 3 days together), but we are still seeing each other. I don't think the fact that we slept together on our first meeting has had any effect on our relationship. But am I wrong? Could there be consequence for my actions down the road that I am not seeing just yet? Did I make a mistake? If so, what is your advice on how to fix it, if fixable?

-Feeling Insecure in CA

Dear Feeling Insecure,

Generally speaking, sex on the first date isnít a good idea because you just donít know the person well enough to know if you want to ever see them again. However, if you donít care if you ever see them again and are just horny, or if you are so swept away you canít help yourself, or if you're both old enough to have sex without expectations, then go for it.

That definitely doesnít apply to young people or those with little experience. They should wait until theyíve known each other a while. But if youíre over 30, experienced in relationships, take precautions and use protection, and can have sex without regrets, thatís your decision.

There are no rules for when to have sex in order to make a relationship last. I know of people, including myself, who had sex on the first date and are still together more than 20 years later. I also know of people who had sex on the first date and never saw each other again and were both okay about that, too. Having sex or not having sex was not the deciding factor in either case.

Certainly having sex on the first date or too early in the relationship doesnít always ruin a relationship. It depends on the people. If you think having sex means you give your heart and soul to someone, and that that person will belong to you for life or vice-versa, you absolutely should not have sex on the first date.

However, in your case, youíre still seeing each other, nothing terrible has happened, and I doubt if there will be consequences for your actions down the road. Stop second-guessing yourself. You had the sex. You canít undo that, so whatís the point of worrying about it. You canít put it back in your mutual pants and pretend it didnít happen.

You can, of course, make sure your partner knows you donít always have sex on the first date, that it happened only because he and the circumstances were unique. Other than that, you can concentrate on making the present wonderful and enjoying every moment instead of worrying about the past.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Gifts and Holidays

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My boyfriend is 14yrs. older than myself, he's 58 and I'm 44. We're both divorced. He was married for 28 yrs and I was married for 18 yrs. We've been together for a little over a year and a half. My birthday is in December and so is Christmas, he didn't buy me a gift for either occ. He took me out to dinner for my birthday. When I handed him his Christmas gift, he said he sent away for my gift and it didn't come in time. Well its Feb and still nothing.

For Valentines Day, I gave him his gift and he said, " I'm sorry, I didn't get you anything". I told him it was ok, but its not ok. I'm not looking for monatary gain here, A card, a homemade CD something to show me how he feels about me. He tells me he loves me all the time and how much he cares for me. My friend tells me I expect too much. Why should I expect less? If I do need money, he's quick to give it to me. I forgot to mention, that were an interracial couple. Any thoughts?

Dear Disappointed,

Everyone experiences love differently. If you feel loved when you get gifts, thereís nothing wrong with that. The problem is that youíre with a man who doesnít express love the way you want to feel it. He needs to be educated about holidays and presents and communicating his love to you.

He apparently thinks that love is communicated verbally, and so he tells you he loves you all the time. Thatís your clue to tell him often that you love him, since thatís how he feels loved. Unfortunately, thatís not what makes you feel loved. What's hard to understand is that we all tend to communicate love to others the way we feel loved, not necessarily the way they feel loved.

So help him understand. Donít lie. If you expect a present, donít tell him itís okay if he didnít get you one. Let him know that it's nice to hear that he loves you, but you miss the little gestures that traditionally go with that. The classic example is a flower from the garden for your hair. Explain that a present doesnít have to be expensive, just something to show that heís thinking of you, noticing what you like, and is willing to spend a little time getting something for you.

Make a big deal about anything he does give you or that you receive from anyone else. Let him know how much you appreciate gifts, and if necessary, become his personal gift reminder service. Remind of him gift occasions for his family and friends, and help him shop.

Start ahead of time. For Christmas, start talking about Christmas presents at least by November. The same for your birthday. You need to educate him. Do that by talking about what youíre going to get him for his birthday, for Valentineís Day, for Christmas. Talk about what youíre going to give others. About what they gave you. Let him know you think itís a big deal.

Some men donít buy gifts because they never know what to get. So donít be shy. Tell him that you would love to get a birthday card from him, or a Valentineís card or a ďjust becauseĒ card. Display any cards you get prominently. Let him know what kind of gift would make you happy.

Itís nice that he gives you money if you need it, but itís really not the same as surprising you with a gift. Like all women, you want him to think of it on his own, buy it and then surprise you with it, but that wonít always happen. If itís important that you get a gift on special occasions, you may have to give up on the surprise part and be satisfied with getting something, anything, even if you had to do a lot of encouraging to get it.

Being an interracial couple has nothing to do with getting gifts. Getting and giving gifts happens in all races.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Sex for Three

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a male 35 years old and seeing a woman 27 years old. We are both single and exclusive to each other and have never been married. I have been seeing this girl that I am in love with for over 5 months now. We have a healthy sex life are very happy and comfortable together. We have made future plans including exchanging a promise ring.

Recently she surprised me with a question. She asked me if I would like to have anther woman in bed with us one night, she continued under one condition, that only if we have a man join us later and that she could pick the man. I did not answer and said I would have to think it over a little. I am a little confused because she knows how jealous I get when she flirts with other guys (not insanely but a little twinge). What do you think this means and how do I go about telling her I feel uncomfortable doing this (disease and jealousy to start with)?

Thanks for you help in this matter

One of only two

Dear One of Only Two,

Sex with more than two people isnít for everybody. In fact, it's very rare that 3-way sex and swinging works out happily. Most people should never venture into that realm, and you are probably like most people. Having sex with more than one other person requires absolute trust of your partner. It requires total communication and honesty. It requires being exceptionally secure, so that you donít get jealous when you see your partner showing love, sex and affection towards someone else, no matter what sex they are.

It sounds as though you are not secure enough to risk this. You're already worried about being jealous. Also, you and your woman friend havenít been together long enough to build the necessary trust to indulge in 3-way sex experiments without them playing havoc with your relationship. You may never be ready for that kind of experiment, and thatís fine. Most people arenít.

You and she need to communicate more openly about your sexual fantasies. If you feel that you wouldnít be comfortable with another person joining you in bed, then tell her that. Talking about sex and expectations is an important step to getting closer and having a better understanding of each other.

So talk, but don't let yourself get talked into it. It doesn't sound like your way is 3-way, and there's nothing to be ashamed of about that. Just say no, positively no, at least not at this time. Maybe some day, way in the future, if I feel differently. But right now, the answer is no.

I suspect your girlfriend is feeling you out. Maybe she really wants you to say no. Maybe she just wants to test you to see how far youíd go for her.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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