Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

2/22/2004

The Sweet Seduction of Fast Money
Girlfriend Disappears With Magician
Stay or Go?



The Sweet Seduction of Fast Money

Dear Dr. Tracy,

For the past 5 years i have been working as a topless dancer. I danced my way through college and got a degree in fashion designing and merchandising with dreams of having my own clothing line someday. 2 years ago I moved to the big city so I would have a better chance at my dream but fell back on dancing to support myself because this town is so expensive. I am actively pursuing my dream goal and i have just started my teeny little clothing line- i am not making nearly enough money to support myself with just that yet.

I am tired of dancing topless.I drink way too much alcohol when i am there (2-7 hard drinks 3to 4 nights a week), I drink even when i don't want to because that is the only way i can endure being there and having to socialize with men I'd rather not be talking to. I'm tired of getting propositioned every night .

I know my boyfriend would feel better if i quit or cut back even though i met him there. He recently had an affair and said he figured he had the right considering what my job was! Even though i look fabulous for my age, my body is starting to ache a lot more when i get home i now i can't do this for much longer. I do get something out of performing ( i like other types of dancing too -ballet jazz etc) so ideally I'd like to only be there one night a week and then eventually none at all. I don't know what else i can do that's flexible time wise and pays enough to support myself until I get my clothing line off the ground (if I ever get if off the ground). I am really scared and worried about my future. Time is running out! Help!

Dear Dancer,

It happens that I have done extensive research into the lives of working women. I once travelling across the United States in search of the elusive "Happy Hooker." (Sadly, I never found her.) Please understand that Iím not suggesting that you are a hooker; topless dancing isnít hooking, but there are similarities in the mindset that can develop.

Successful hookers look at the rest of the world as suckers, there to give her easy money. Similarly, dancers tend to see the men who come in as there to be taken, a source of quick money.

The big problem is that once youíve gotten hooked on those quick bucks, it's hard to quit. It's also hard to taper off. How can you work just one night a week when you know you could make so much the next night? Itís like being a drug addict and only shooting up every once in a while. Thatís just not the way it works. Youíre addicted to the quick money and admiration and you canít just do it a little bit. So youíre driven to go back to dancing, working long hours and suffering the wear and tear of that kind of lifestyle.

Youíre 29, and thatís old for a topless dancer. Itís time to get out totally. Every day you wait is costing you more than just a few aches and pains. Itís costing you psychically and itís costing you life opportunities. You wonít always be at your prime. You only have so much time and energy in life. Donít waste it on topless dancing.

Youíre obviously educated and have goals. You must try to pursue them now. Scrimp and save so you won't have to dance. While trying to break into the big city fashion scene, also think about getting your clothing line online. Start selling on eBay. Put together your own website. People are doing that every day. Youíll discover that you can feel great without having to make a lot of money.

Also, let your boyfriend know that your dancing is no excuse for his affair. Perhaps if you had a better/different job youíd have too much self-esteem to settle for a piss-poor weasely excuse like his. He was totally out of line and wants to make it your fault. Donít buy it.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Girlfriend Disappears With Magician

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I feel a little ridiculous asking for advice in my relationship, but I have nobody to talk to since my girlfriend is going to be apart from me on Valentines Day. I'm going to turn 22 in April and my girlfriend is 22. We've been together for a year and a half and both are going to graduate from our University in May. The big stage of our relationship is upon us, what are we going to do for our career?

Well, my girlfriend is very attractive and is interning at a local news station. She's becoming quite popular these days, appearing on T.V. and in magazines. It's a little overwhelming for me. Anyways, Just recently a celebrity came to the show that she helps with. His name is David Copperfield, I'm sure you know him. Well, since he's been in town, my girlfriend has come home at 3:00-5:00 AM the past two nights. She explained to me that it was career and family related for both the nights. I am very supportive of her, and I had no problem with it. Well, just today she comes home from work at around 1:00 PM and tells me she has great news. David Copperfield wants her to be his spokeswoman for his show this weekend in Dallas. She left at around 5:00 PM today and won't be returning till late Sunday night.

I had plans to take my girlfriend out on Valentines Day, but I didn't tell her because I want to be supportive of her career and didn't want to make her feel bad. There is one thing that troubles me though. She told me that all expenses are paid for, Hotel suite ($675 per night), Limo service, plane ticket, Food, and she also mentioned to me that David is going to let her use his credit card for anything she wants. Another thing that troubles me is that she will only have a few hours to audition for his show, since it is at 5:00 PM on Valentines Day.

Before I Go on rambling too much, although there is much more to this story, I will get to the point. I'll admit, as a man, Doubt and Jealously are starting to kick in. After all, his last marriage was to Claudia Schiffer, he has three multi-million dollar houses, he owns an island in the bahamas, and to top it off he is quite good-looking. Do I have the right to question this? Should I be jealous? Should I trust her? Is this too good to be true for her?, I mean it seems a little too fast don't you think? What should I do? One thing's for sure, I will miss her dearly.

Dear Troubled,

If your girlfriendís story is true, somebodyís going to wind up with a broken heart here, and I doubt that itís going to be David Copperfield. Celebrities live in a world where everybody gives them everything they want. They get used to it and think itís coming to them.

So if your girlfriend is being whisked away by David Copperfield and he wants to romance her, you have a right to be jealous. Very few women can resist so much glamour and wealth, plus heís offering her a career move too. Very heady stuff! More than one woman has fallen for the old, ďCome with me honey, Iíll make you a star,Ē line.

Of course you have the right to question this. Actually, Iím wondering why you arenít on a plane right now to Dallas, just to watch your interests. Should you trust her? Hardly! Davidís rich and charming -- and he can do magic tricks too. Yes, itís too fast.

However, if she really loves you, sheíll realize heís all glitz and sleight of hand and youíre the ďrealĒ thing, and sheíll be back a little wiser. If she returns and has learned that a good man is better than a star, then the whole episode has worked in your favor. If she is starstruck, though, nothing you say will make any difference. Sheíll be following the next bright celebrity that swings through town, and you'll have to get used to having a disappearing girlfriend.

And thereís nothing you can do, except to find a girlfriend with no show business aspirations next time. Show business is definitely dangerous for relationships -- for those in it as well their loved ones. People who are attracted to show business are often people who need endless love and applause, which one person can rarely provide. So they find themselves always looking around for more love.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Stay or Go?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 52 year old female, divorced for some time now. Five months ago, I started dating a divorced man, 56. He is, in many ways, a nice guy, but I am concerned about his alcohol consumption. He has a tap system in his house and drinks four to five beers a night--every night, as far as I can tell.

He goes bowling once a week--gets very inebriated there, by his own admission. Every event to which he has taken me has had alcohol served. When he asks me out, he asks if I want to go out drinking with him. Several times he has asked me to drive so he could drink more.

So far, his work has not seemed to be affected by this, but I think he has been having memory lapses and he does need to write down many things or he will forget to do them. He has a brother who is an alcoholic and has been picked up for DUI. My friend says that I should not worry because it is "just beer" and many people in our area have tap systems in their houses.

This man is a churchgoing person and financially responsible. I do not drink much--once a month the women from work and I go for "wings" and I will have a beer or two, but that is about the extent of my alcohol use (I am a healthcare worker). I do not know whether I should continue to see him or not. His children are nice and we get along, but two of the four also drink a lot. The ex-wife will not really say why they were divorced, only that she was depressed. He says he doesn't understand why she left.

What is your take on this? I don't want to be alone forever, but I don't need a man with a problem, either. He is pushing for sexual intimacy and for me to move in with him. I am financially self-sufficient and do not really want to rush into anything.

Dear Once-A-Month Drinker,

The things that bother you now will only bother you more in the future, and his drinking is already troubling you. He comes from a family of drinkers and gets drunk regularly. Don't buy his line about ďjust beerĒ -- any alcoholic drink can be addictive and destructive.

As for sexual intimacy, you might find that itís often a problem with a heavy drinker. In any case, donít move in with him or do anything else until youíre totally sure you can live with his drinking, since he shows absolutely no interest in stopping.

Unless youíre willing to adjust your life and social schedule to his drinking, heís not the man for you. It would be a big adjustment. Since his family drinks and all his friends drink, youíre going to be the odd woman out at all the gatherings. Thereís nothing a sober person can do to be on the same vibe as the drinkers. Theyíll eventually resent you for not drinking with them and youíll resent them for drinking and leaving you out of the fun. Even if you can live with all that, there's the question of his long-term health. His memory lapses could be just the beginning of the health problems that creep up on life-long heavy drinkers.

Since youíre not that involved with him yet, move on before his problems become yours.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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