Too Stoned To Relate
Dear Dr. Tracy,
To give you a quick rundown of what is going on I will have to start from the beginning. My boyfriend and I met almost 3 years ago and have been dating ever since. 1 year into our relationship, I moved in with him (into his parents house).
5 weeks ago a girlfriend decided to leave her husband for 6 months so that he could sort out his drug problem. I moved out of my boyfriend's parents place to help her out for the next six months. I know that sounds strange, me moving out of living with my boyfriend into a friends place. The thing is, she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I was terrified that she would try to kill herself, leaving her 8 month old son alone.
I did however have anterior motives in that respect. I was worried that I have lost who I am and thought that this would be a good opportunity for me to rediscover what is important in life. Obviously he took it really hard, I see him every weekend but it is just getting worse. He keeps talking as if I am not coming back, I don't want to leave him, but every time I see him lately he is just miserable, he does nothing but complain, mope and even hides.
When he comes to sleep over at my place he makes every excuse under the sun on why he cant stay the whole weekend. Then tells me that he hates that we only see each other on the weekends.
I approached him about this and he told me that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life surrounded by babies and that he doesn't like being at my place because of everything that has happened.
This last weekend was the worst. We did nothing but fight and moan and talk and compare, we didn't even reach a reasonable compromise through all of it. He is a habitual dope smoker and I have begun to get frustrated with his illegal habits. I love this man, but I cant take the fact that every waking day he is stoned. I don't believe in drugs, never have. So this weekend I finally stood my ground and told him how I felt about his habit and he told me that it wasn't hurting anyone.
The fact of the matter is that he is hurting me. I know when I met him he smoked, and that never really sat well with me, I think me allowing it was my will not to change who he is. Now if he stops it will be for me and that just could mean a continuous relapse and it will be because he didn't decide to do it himself.
Please tell me what would be a good way forward.
You moved out of your boyfriend's parents house for a reason. You weren't happy there. If you told yourself it was for your friend, that's fine, but the real reason was that you wanted out of the situation you were in.
Your boyfriend is a loser. He smokes dope all the time and is miserable. He makes you miserable too. So why on earth would you want to stay with him? He's not going to stop smoking for you. Don't kid yourself. It's a habit he loves and obviously more important to him than you are.
He doesn't like being around kids or anyone else who takes attention away from him. He's selfish and not nearly grown up enough for a real relationship. Don't worry about changing who he is... you won't. People don't change that easily and he's not about to.
Unless you're willing to accept him exactly the way he is, this relationship is doomed. You won't be happy and neither will he, so you might as well break it off and move on.
Find someone who doesn't smoke dope if you object to pot. Find someone who likes being around kids if you want a family, and find someone with a place of their own, not someone who still lives at home with their parents.
It's a good thing you moved out. Be grateful that you're not married to him and winding up in the same situation that your friend is in. It could have been you, a young mother married to a man with a drug problem. Lucky, you escaped that fate.
Marrying a Family
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I came across your website today and your advice makes a lot of sense. I am 48 and this is my first marriage. We have been together for 4 years and married for one. This is my husbands second marriage and he has two grown sons from his previous marriage ages 22 and 23. He was divorced before I met hiim.
He feels that he was made the bad guy in his son's eyes by his ex-wife and is very concerned about building a good relationship with his kids. "Repairing the damage" as he puts it. The boys are very nice and good young men.
Things have been a bit hard lately. I lost my job and we had to move across the country in order for him to keep his job.
The two of us have gone on vacations in the past (San Francisco and Las Vegas). I have never been to Europe and we both want to go. He wants to bring his sons so that he can create a memorable event for him and them. As for me wanting something memorable between the two of us and us focusing on each other in what will be the trip of a lifetime, well he says that we spend alot of time together anyway.
I suggested that he go off with just his boys and him (either to Europe or somewhere else) but he seems miffed at that idea. I get the idea that he feels that I am being a wet rag and somehow responsible for him not seeing his kids who are now a thousand miles away. I ask him how he sees this European vacation with him, me, and his two sons. He doesn't seem to have any image of how to make it work except that somehow "it will be great."
I guess all I can do is go along with the attitude that the trip will be like a bunch of buddies going to Europe. It sure won't be romantic and special with two grown kids tagging along and likely in hostels or sharing rooms. We will have to watch our budget.
I can't help but feel resentful. The idea seems to be spreading too. We have a chance to go to a friends cottage for a week and a half this summer and the first thing he said was "I would like to bring the boys." I hesitated in my answer and got dark looks from him. I have a feeling that he will want the boys to come on virtually any vacation in the future and I will be the bad guy if I just want us to be together.
I can't see a way to make this work. Please help.
Dear Wet Rag,
You are so right. You are going to be stuck with his boys for life. When you marry someone with a family from a previous relationship, you take on the children from that marriage, no matter how you feel about them. They are now a part of your life, like it or not.
So your husband feels guilty and wants to repair the damage from his failed marriage. That's not a new story. Almost every divorced dad feels guilty about the kids.
The best thing you can do is to help him with the boys. Embrace them and consider them part of your new family, because they are. Learn to love them and figure that's the price of being happily married and keeping your husband happy. Your husband isn't likely to dump his two boys because you're uncomfortable with them. You're right, any vacation time is probably going to include them for some time. However, they will eventually marry and have families of their own, so they won't be with you forever.
For now, you're stuck. Make the best of it and postpone your fantasy of a romantic vacation in Europe until after the boys are married. You don't have to be in Europe or even on vacation to be romantic. Plan romantic events at home, a candlelit dinner, an evening of special sex, or just a moment when you touch or kiss or whisper loving thoughts to your mate.
Don't put yourself in the impossible position of being an adversary of the boys. Instead, welcome them and include them whenever possible. There will still be time for you and your husband to be romantic without them. So relax, nothing is forever.
He Wants a Three-Way Sexual Encounter
Dear Dr. Tracy,
Hi, my boyfriend of almost two years and I have talked about having a threesome. We use to just tease about it and I said no way! I didn't want him ever touching another woman. I told him I was his last! So he saw how much it bothered me and we didn't talk about it or even tease about it any more. But now I'm like what the heck! I want to have fun with another woman with him watching but he says he's not going to just watch he wants to play too, I said ok but he would not have sex with her! He said he wants to it wouldn't be fun if he didn't. He wants to watch me and her (who ever it might be) have fun with each other and then have some fun with him but he would want to have sex with her.
He said he would not kiss her and he wouldn't be making love to her like he does with me, that it would mean nothing. I said well I guess it'll be ok because in the heat of the moment I probably won't really care. But the more I think about it I do care and I can't stand the thought of him having sex with another woman. I started thinking about me having a three some with a girl and HER boyfriend and if he wanted to have sex with me I couldn't do it because I feel like it would be so not right. I love my boyfriend so much I could never have sex with another man even with my boyfriend's permission. So I started thinking does my boyfriend REALLY love and care for me. Shouldn't he feel the same way as I do about feeling so low and trashy to have sex with another when you love and care about someone so much!
Thank you for listening.
Dear Feeling Trashy,
If just thinking about having a three-way sexual adventure makes you feel low and trashy, and you haven't even done anything, imagine how you'd feel if you actually had sex with him and another woman.
Some people can have sexual encounters with more than one person at a time and it's perfectly fine. They enjoy the experience and it amuses them, but doesn't affect their feelings afterwards for themselves or their partner.
However, other people are just not cut out for menage a trois (threesomes) or orgies or any other kind of sexual adventure. Watching their boyfriend or girlfriend with someone else makes them horribly jealous and they feel awful afterwards. It ruins their relationship and they can't leave the sex in the bedroom. It permeates everything they do and makes them miserable. You're one of those people.
So explain to your boyfriend that you just love him too much to stand seeing him with someone else and you also love him so much you don't want to be with anyone else, male or female. Explain to him that you considered it because you wanted to please him, but after giving it serious thought, you just aren't cut out for threesomes.
The fact that your boyfriend is fantasizing about a threesome doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It's a normal, common fantasy, and it's natural for him to see if you're interested. But don't be pushed into doing anything you don't feel good about. It's not worth it. Stand your ground. You have good reasons for not wanting to experiment sexually and you'd be foolish to try.
It's just not for you.
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