"Ask Dr. Tracy"

3/2/97 Advice Column

He Married a Lesbian,
She's Got a Momma's Boy,
Yearning For His High School Sweetheart

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I married a girl a few years ago who was up front and honest that she had been involved in lesbian sex. She claimed that her sexual preference had been limited to one partner. I later found out her accounting was a little off. She claimed that she had been through extensive counseling and therapy for her problem and that she was ready to move on with life. At first we were a perfect match, that was until after we were married.

She changed real fast from the day we were married. She informed me that she would come and go as she pleased and that I was not going to change her. I learned that I was being used as a cover-up for her lesbian fantasy life. To make a long story short, I could read the writing on the wall and filled for divorce after two weeks of marriage.

It has been three years since this ordeal. To this day I still have a problem with explaining to Women why my marriage failed. I made a bad decision by trusting my ex-wife by giving her the benefit of the doubt.

How do I explain this ordeal to other Women?

Signed, Unexplainable Problem

Dear Unexplainable Problem,

The best way to keep a past problem in the past with a new woman is to mention it right in front. If you wait, there may never be a "right" time. When you finally bring it up, your new woman will wonder why you didn't tell her right away.

This advice applies to men and women and applies to any potential problem you've had or may be bringing to a new relationship, whether you married a lesbian, or you have herpes, AIDS, wear a toupe, used to be addicted, etc. The point is, get it out in the open right away.

By telling as soon as you can, you show good will. You also won't have a problem with someone saying later, "Why didn't you tell me? What did you think I would do if you told?" For sure, tell well before the new relationship gets serious. Then if it does get serious, you'll know you're loved in spite of your past problems.

So you married a lesbian, for two weeks. Big deal! Lots of people marry people they shouldn't. Don't make an issue of it. Treat it lightly, and keep it short and sweet. Say it was a life experience. Who says you have to explain it? If some woman says, "Geez, how could you not know she was a lesbian?," just say, "She was real bi-sexual there for awhile." But don't criticize your ex. Turn the conversation around by asking, "By the way, you're straight, aren't you?" You don't want to make the same mistake twice.

And, please, take it more slowly next time, to be sure you really know a woman before you marry her. How do you know if you know someone? Read the checklists in "Qualifying Someone" in my Library.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have a question. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 1/2 years. His mother is very overprotective. She was abused throughout most of her life. And uses her that as well as her heart problem to manipulate us.

She does not allow him to speak up against her. She has abused him verbally many a time by saying that he doesn't love her and care about her. Even though when he was eight years old he gave up living with his father(who was abusive) and brother and chose to live with her. He has been loyal to her ever since. The one time he did tell her to stop she threw him out. This guy is a model son and human being and I love him very much. He does not deserve this treatment.

She constantly pries into our relationship. She insults me saying that she doesn't like me because I smile too much. He can't even defend me. That is so painful. The one you love is supposed to be loyal and protect you not allow you to be hurt. She throws a fit when she doesn't get her way. I have been nothing but nice to her. I understand why she acts the way she does. The abuse is the main reason.

It is destroying us. He gets mad at me when I talk about her almost every day he says I direct my anger at him which is somewhat true. I have had 3 nightmares about her. I can't help but get upset by what she does. He has been so affected by her. I mean she has done a lot of damage to him as a person I just want it to end. I have tried atlkting to her nicely she acts like she's listening she might even for a little while then goes back to her old ways. I can't stand it. I don't even feel like the two of us have a relationship. It's him, her and I. Not him and I. I would have left a long time ago if it wasn't for the fact he is so wonderful. He is sweet and everything that I could have ever hoped for in a boyfriend. He also loves me and is loyal to me. I just hate being hurt and seeing him hurt. I don't even know what to do about it anymore. Most of our problems stem from her. He hardly ever talks about it. He just hides all his problems away because they are too painful to deal with.

Also, he has this way of completely ignoring the situation. If she insults him and hurts him. As soon as she is nice to him he forgets everything I mean they act happy as if the whole incident never occurred. While I am still in shock that she even said what she said. The perfect little Mommy and son relationship. It's disgusting. It is all a fake. And... he talks baby talk to her sometimes. He called her up to tell her that he was eating dinner over my house and said he was going to "eat wif" me no the wif isn't a typo. Also, he waves good bye to the phone. Is that normal? He calls her "my mommy" when he talks about her even in front of his friend sometimes. It's like the two of them have reverted back to earlier stages. He is 20 years old. I have talked about all of this with him. As far as correcting it I am confused. I have been told I should write a book do you agree? I am sorry for the length but there was no way to desribe this is a short letter. Can you help at all?

Dear Momma's Boy lover,

You have three choices: You could learn to live with his mother's behavior by ignoring it while you wait to outlive her; you could let her win by giving her back her son and exiting the situation; or you could continue to fight with him over his mother.

The best solution of course is to ignore it and not let it totally involve your psyche. There are more important things than his mother. Besides, you're fighting years of programming as far as their relationship goes. The trick is to just take the good part of your boyfriend and ignore the mother part.

Of course he should defend you, although to say you smile too much is hardly an insult of substance. You two could go to couples' counseling, or you could simply let him go. I doubt if an ultimatum would work; if you say, "Me or your mother," you're taking a no-win position -- if he chooses you and moves far from his mother, he'll always resent you for it. If he chooses her, he'll resent you for not accepting his family.

If you've been in this situational rut for 2 1/2 years it probable won't improve. You'll have to do the changing, so his problem with his mother won't get you so upset.

He is very young. He may or not outgrow the mother thing. The good news is that when you get old and demanding, he'll be programmed to be good to you too.

Remember, his mother can only get to you as much as you allow her to.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hello and thank you for your time. I'm a 26 year old single male, my question is this: back in 1990 my high school sweetheart and I broke up after 4.5 years of dating, simultaneously my mother had passed away from cancer, today I believe this had a lot to do with our parting(they were difficult times), a year later I met another girl at college and had a serious relationship with her until June of 96'.

The problem with the second relationship was I could never really tell her I loved her, I really didn't mean it and finally I confessed to her my thoughts about this and we broke up, what scared me was I was always thinking of the first girl, I mean all the time, even when we were passionate. Afterwards that would really bother me, I didn't know how I felt, It's been seven years since I had relations with the first girl, I last saw her in person in November of 91' and that was the last time we spoke, but I can honestly say there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.Currently we live about 15 minutes apart, should I pursue her, will she think I flipped my lid, and have I :-), is this love?, I'm really confused and quite honestly it has become quite a burden, if you could give any response I would appreciate it, thankyou...

Dear Yearning,

Of course you should contact your old high school sweetheart.

A recent AT&T Worldnet study discovered that over 30% of all Americans wanted to contact someone from their past. Most didn't know how, since they didn't know where their old friends are.

You, on the other hand, would have no problem finding this woman, so contact her. If you do, at least you'll have closure on the relationship. You'll either get her back, or find out she's no longer interested or available. No matter what the outcome is, you'll be able to get on with your life and perhaps find someone else. Once you have closure on this old relationship, you'll find it's much easier to say "I love you," in a new one.

Go for it,

Dr. Tracy

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