Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

3/7/2004

Bored Bride
Just Sex?
Some Relationships Are Weird



Bored Bride

Dear Dr. Tracy,

An intelligent, professional 34-year old newlywed, I love my wonderful husband a lot, however I have recently discovered internet chatrooms and have been getting a real kick out of cyber sex with both men and women. I have even gone so far as to meet a few people (male and female), although nothing has happened - yet.

I have also had bi-curious feelings for quite some time now and have met a like-minded woman online - we have swapped photos and are due to meet in just a few days.

I have been unfaithful to partners in the past, but never to my husband. Although I am very fussy when it comes to a mate and have extremely high standards, if I meet someone and the chemistry is there I am always tempted to take things a step further, it's as if I have a devil sitting on my shoulder urging me on.

To make matters worse, I currently have a massive crush on a friend's boyfriend, we get on really well and I am sure he fancies me too as there are definite sparks between us. I think about him most of the time and would love him to ask me out for a drink or even make a move on me although this is totally unrealistic.

I am aware that what I am doing is wrong, so why am I like this? I was married just 6 months ago and am happy with my life in general, but always seem to be looking for something - or someone - to spice it up, along with the thrill of an illicit relationship or liason.

I would be very grateful for any help or advice you can give me.

Dear Fussy,

By looking outside your marriage for ways to spice up your life, you are starting down a slippery slope. You're already cheating on your husband with your cyber flirtations and cyber sex, and as soon as you find someone who meets your "fussy, extremely high standards," your marriage will be in serious trouble.

You're spending a lot of time time titillating yourself with thoughts of illicit liasons, but have you taken a minute to consider how they would devastate this wonderful husband you love? You’re talking about your massive crush on a friend’s boyfriend -- and your only concern seems to be that his making a move on you would be "unrealistic," not how it would hurt your friend.

My take on you is that you want thrills and excitement in your life and you don’t care what you do or who you hurt to get it. You’re being childish and selfish and you should really stop before you ruin your life and your marriage.

You want to spice up your sex life? Spice it up with your husband. I’m sure he’d appreciate that. If you tried, you'd find that even you would be exhausted by the endless varieties of wild sex that a husband and wife can get into. And if that's not enough, take up sky diving or bungee jumping to get still more excitement in your life.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Just Sex?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a divorced 37 year female, I have been single for about 3 years now, but I have been seeing this man for over a year. The only thing about this situation is that it never seems to be anything more than just sex.

I have asked him on several occasions to go out to a movie, or for lunch and he always says he is busy.(owns his own company). The only time he seems to have for me is once a week late at night for about an hour. I have not been in the dating scene for many years and wondered if this is the way it is now or if he is just using me for his own special purpose.

Lost in the dating scene

Dear Lost in the Dating Scene,

You think you’re "seeing" this man, but let’s face it, what you’re really doing is being a convenient sex partner who doesn’t make demands. It’s hard to believe that you’ve been letting him come over late at night once a week for a year for sex and that’s it.

It would be different if you had other men you were dating and this guy was your convenient sex partner on the side. However, if he’s your only one, this is not doing you any good. He’s keeping you from meeting someone with whom you could have a real relationship. Meanwhile, he’s probably got another woman, or maybe even a wife and family, that he's with during prime time.

No, this is not the way it is in the dating scene. Men date women, take them out to dinner, a show and then sometimes don’t get sex. Your guy, on the other hand, doesn’t have to do anything but show up. And there you are, ready, receptive, and willing to go along with this routine.

Of course he’s using you for his own special purpose. But he couldn’t do it if you weren’t going along with his script. If you’re starting to feel used, that’s a good sign that you're ready to make a change.

It’s time for you to not just ask him to go out to a movie or dinner, but to demand it. Enough is enough. There are certain niceties, certain rituals, that should be preserved. You should demand this if for no other reason than you’re ruining it for all women. If men think women are there for them to drop by for an hour to screw with no obligations to woo, we’re all in trouble. Really now, don't you want more from a relationship than this?

Tell this man that there will be no more sex until he makes time for you in his life in a normal way. If he can’t, tell him you understand, but he’ll have to understand that you will be going out with other men and that you will no longer be available for late night visits.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Some Relationships Are Weird

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 28, going steady with my girlfriend 27 since past one year. Every thing seems to be perfect except for her friends. We have arguments every now and then on this.

She is 27 and there is this friend of her who is 24. She says he is her adopted son, and he will be part of our lives.He is weird.He calls her like 12:00/1:00 in the night and she speaks to him.Another point is she treats him as a 5 year old kid and she is too protective of him.He is financially dependent on her and may be emotionally too.

I am unable to understand this weird relationship.She gets all upset when I get calls from my friends or I am watching TV and simultaniously talking to her on phone.(I travel on weekdays and spend the weekends with her).Since I met her,I stopped going out with my friends and she has become my world.But every now and then she goes out to dinner with her 24-year-old "adopted son." Is this weird? or I am I being weird?I wanted to meet him many times and made efforts from my side ,but he refuses to meet me.My girlfriend is adamant that he will be part of our life when we are married.He says he is not yet ready to meet.

One examples where we had a major argument and were on verge of breaking up was when we were going out to dinner with my friends ,this "Son" calls her up and says....I want to go to dinner with you.She immediatley went to him saying he needed her more as he was feeling neglected,leaving me embarassed in front of my friends.

On one more occassion we were making love and this guy calls and she is talking to him in the middle saying things like "My Son"...."My Cute Son" too often in the conversation which pissed me off and we almost called it off.

Please advise me.....am I the weird person who is not able to understand the "relation" they have or is she and her "son" a mentally depressed lot? I conveyed in very unambiguous terms that I will not accept bullshit in my life and she is adamant that he is part of her life..what ever might be the consequences?

Dear Embarrassed,

You’re right, your girlfriend’s relationship with this “son” is really, really weird. She talks to him in the middle of having sex with you? Something smells fishy with their strange co-dependency.

If you stay in this relationship, you’re obviously going to be playing second fiddle to this neurotic “son” who will always be more needy than you. You’ve been embarrassed once, and if you stay, you’ll be embarrassed over and over again. You ask about "consequences." Imagine being married to this woman and how would you feel if she kept leaving you and your children to go rushing off to her other “son.”

You say you don’t want bullshit in your life, and yet by accepting this totally weird behavior from your girlfriend, you already have major bullshit in your life. Now’s the time to get it cleared up.

Insist on meeting him. Get a sense of how they are together. Then either accept him as part of the package that comes with her, or get rid of them both since they seem to come as a package deal.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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