Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

8/19/09

She Wants To Know Where She Stands
Big Bust Problem
Still Hung Up on His Last Girlfriend



She Wants To Know Where She Stands

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 33 year old divorced single mom of two, therefore in the dating world, I am playing with three hearts. I have gone on many first dates and talked to several men only to find out very quickly they were not worth any more time. I started dating this man about a month and a half ago. He has been divorced for about 1 year and a half with 2 kids, and has also dated.

From our first date, things started off very heavy. He told me a lot of serious things, such as he doesn't want to see any one else, he believes in love at first sight now, he thinks he loves me. The whole first week we were together, things were very intense. We texted many times throughout the day, talked, saw each other several times. He did go through one period that he disappeared for a day as far as I had no contact or response to my texts or calls. His explanation was he is just not a phone person (which he told me), and that he was fine with the way things are going. He is now going through another phase that I don't get a response when I text or call. I make a very conscious effort not to call or text inecesently, and not make him feel smothered. When we are together, things seem fine. He still refers to future events, and getting kids involved.

My questions are: should I worry about the times that he disappears and doesn't respond for a day, or is that a sign? May he just be someone that settles in quickly and doesn't need constant contact? Is this too soon for things to be settling in?

My concerns are obviously about my kids more so than myself. Because of my circumstances, my kids have met him. They really like him and he is great with them. However, before I encourage any more of a relationship with them, I need to know where I stand.

Dear Worried,

Your own insecurities are going to kill this relationship off before it gets really started. You've only been seeing this man for a short time, hardly long enough to expect to have a definite answer about where you're headed.

Stop texting and calling him so often. If he doesn't respond, don't send another text or call again. Just wait. I know it's hard not to know, but relationships always start off full of uncertainty. You can't resolve everything and still be in the courting stage of your relationship.

Give him at least nine months to a year before you have to know where you stand. The downside here is that he started out saying he thought he loved you and now you expect the relationship to go up from there, but there wasn't a lot of room to grow. It's also a concern that he said he thought he loved you on the first date, at first sight. Love usually takes longer, so I wouldn't put too much credence into his love talk. Also, it's suspicious that he said he wouldn't see anyone else so quickly. That usually takes longer too.

Instead of worrying about when he disappears or doesn't respond right away, concentrate on making everything wonderful when you are together. Let him take the lead on future plans and getting the kids involved.

With two families to blend, this is a long journey, not a quick one. It will take time and experiencing things together before you really know whether or not he's suitable as a life partner. So enjoy him, see how things unfold, and learn to live with the insecurity of not having final answers for quite a while.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Big Bust Problem

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am what some may describe as a busty woman. I have been divorced for about four months. Lately I have been getting closer and spending more time with a younger man. I enjoy him. I have suspected that he wants to become more intimate. I am thinking about whether it would be appropriate or not to have sex with him. He is a nice man and I like the attention from him. It may be too close to my divorce to consider sex. Also being on the busty side I don't want him to become turned off if and when he sees me naked.

I have talked to several of my woman friends about him. One said not to worry about him becoming turned off and that there maybe a possibility that he wants to love all of me. She said if that is the case what would be wrong with it. Another lady friend of mine said that we are both single and that our age difference should not be an issue in us having sex. She also said that if a younger man finds you attractive and wants to do it what is wrong with that. She also said that I may enjoy sex again and may like the experience of having it with a younger man. Is there any truth in these statements?

Are there common reasons that younger men want older women? If he wants to love me and he uses the physical expression of sex to do that it may be ok. I don't want to just be a the tool in which he uses to get sex or have an experience with an older woman. How can I know of his intentions? If and when I consider sex with him what things should be part of our relationship? What things should we do/have done before consider sex?

Sex may be a wonderful way to express one's feelings, one's love, one's commitment. How can I be sure that our sex will have these elements? How can I be sure of his commitment before as well as after we have sex? We don't want to have a baby but what are some things that we each could gain by having sex? If we do have sex how can I be sure that he will like my body in the nude? As a busty woman what can I do to make the sex experience good for him? As a busty woman what sex positions work best?

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Dear Double D,

First of all, there's nothing wrong with experiencing sex with a younger man. Younger men are at the peak of their sexuality and so are older women. So why not indulge? Of course, be careful to use protection so that you don't get a sexually transmitted disease.

As for having big breasts and worrying about whether he will be turned off by them, don't worry. He already knows you have big breasts and if he didn't like big breasts, he wouldn't be hanging around you. He will most likely be turned on, not turned off.

Everything your friends are telling you is right. Younger men are sexy and as long as you are both consenting adults (that means he's over 21), and not married, what's the problem? Just because you were divorced doesn't mean you have to wait to have sex. It's not like your husband died and you have to mourn for him. He's probably having sex, so why shouldn't you?

The longer you wait to have sex after your divorce, the bigger a deal it will be and the harder it will be. It's like riding a horse. You get thrown off, and the best thing to do is to get right back on.

Don't wait. Go for it. What have you got to lose?

As for making sure he'll like the sex, believe me, if you enjoy it, he will too. Sex without inhibitions is one of the main reasons younger men like older women. So let yourself go and don't worry about whether he loves you or if there will be a commitment. There probably won't be a lifetime with him, but you never know. The trick is not to futurize, just stay in the moment and enjoy the here and now. There are no guarantees about what a sex act will mean no matter how old the man is. What you can gain is mutual pleasure and great sex. As far as liking your body in the nude, he already has a good idea of what to expect. Just let him enjoy your bustiness.

As far as positions, there isn't a bad one. Some men love big breasts hanging, so if you're on top, that might be fun for him. Doggie style is also good for big breasted women. Avoid lying flat on your back which doesn't show off your breasts in the best way. In general, go with the flow and let him lead the way. Believe me, he knows just what he wants. You won't have to plan ahead.

Just don't expect it to last forever. Enjoy it for the moment and take the pleasure you deserve.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Still Hung Up on His Last Girlfriend

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I would appreciate some advice about my situation. Two months ago I met a lovely man through an internet dating site. We are both in our late 40's with children. In his case boy and girl twins of 13 and mine a 17 year old boy. I have not been in a relationship for some years and he has had a few long term relationships since his marriage, most recently a 9 month long one that finished earlier this year. Everything seemed great, we saw each other regularly and he was openly affectionate towards me which included lots of talk about doing things together in future holidays, specifically christmas this year.

We had decided not to become physically intimate until we knew each other quite well and were able to get away for a long weekend to be together. He had said quite clearly that we were in a relationship and that I could tell my friends that I had 'a new man' in my life and that despite the pressures on his life with caring for his children on weekends and so on, that he would always make time for the woman in his life - meaning me. He also texted me every evening with a lovely comment and a loving good night.

Naturally I had begun to relax after hearing all this and felt very happy that I had met the man I had been waiting for, someone I could enjoy being with on lots of different levels whom I could trust. Well this was not to be the case as I discovered tonight.

Last Tuesday we had a short lunch together and in my enthusiasm I overdid the public affection and made him feel uncomfortable. After he departed, I immediately and intuitively felt I had made a mistake and sent him a text to apologise. I recieved no response at all and tellingly no loving goodnight text that night. I did recieve one the next day but it lacked the usual kisses on the end. All little things but different from only a couple of days ago. I rang him that night and after a chat brought up the subject of my overbearing affectionate behaviour and he said that it wasn't a problem and not to worry about it. We discussed the arrangements for the weekend as he had invited me to accompany him to a friend's party and meet his friends for the first time.

He then failed to contact me or respond to a text I sent over the next two days. I contacted him on the Saturday morning regarding the party that night and we set a time. That afternoon he cancelled but made immediate arrangements to come over for dinner this evening - Monday.

Tonight he tells me that he is still in love with his previous partner who split up with him. He also told me that he had rushed into two previous relationships and was 'dumped' after about 7 months and didn't want that to happen again so wanted to move slowly and in fact wanted to slow things down even further with us. Not that things were going anywhere very fast. He said the usual stuff about how I was lovely etc but that he only wanted to be friends for a while and then lets see what happens.

So what do I do now? Did I screw this up completely or is it more about him and where he is at? I really like him and feel that we have great potential for a good quality relationship. There is a strong connection between us, but I don't know how to proceed. Do I forget him completely or become what he says, a friend' and hope that he changes his mind. i might add that he is not wanting a completely platonic friend, not sexual but definitely loving, I am not sure I can do that as he is the first man in many, many years I have felt this strong bond with and it is not a friendship only bond. Do I keep in touch or not, do I tell him that I am going to start dating on the internet site again? Was this my fault? I don't understand? How can eveything be seemingly great one day and not the next? This happened so suddenly.

Please help me know what to do next cause I am feeling quite bereft at the moment.

Dear Bereft,

Of course you're upset. You thought he was "the one" and he certainly showed every sign of being just that. He was affectionate and talked about future plans. However, there was one big red flag. He was far too willing to postpone sex. When a man is hot for you, he wants to go further than just friends, he wants sex. Not friendly affection, but real hot, down and dirty sex with all the trimmings.

This guy just wasn't that hot for you, and when you got affectionate toward him, he realized he wasn't ready to go further with you.

When a guy says he just wants to be friends, that's usually the kiss of death for a relationship. The best thing you can do is back off further than he has. Tell him sure, you can be friends, but you're probably going to be busy dating since you are really looking for more than a friend.

Don't let him keep you on a string until he decides he's ready. Get back on the dating sites and find someone who thinks you're his "It" girl and who isn't still in love with his ex.

It's okay to keep in touch intermittently, but not regularly. Let him wonder where you are and who you're with. Don't return his calls right away. Don't call him for a few weeks. Give him a chance to miss you.

This is not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. He just wasn't the right man at the right time.

Don't waste another minute wondering why he suddenly changed his mind. He's just not ready for a relationship right now and you don't know if he ever will be. So stop hoping to get him back. Move on, and if he comes back, decide then if you still want him. But in the meantime, you might have found someone even better.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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