He Prefers His Own Company
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am 38 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. He is
36. Very early in our relationship he started to prefer masturbation to
being with me. For so long now I have had to actually stand outside the
door and ask him to let me in. I have told him so many times that this is
really hurting my ego but he doesn't seem to care. It used to hurt
really bad, now I just want to know if it is me or what. I have gotten so
used to feeling like there must be something wrong with me, that now I
don't even thimk about sex and I forget what wanting it felt like.
My question is, "Will I ever feel normal again?" and "Is it because he doesn't think I'm
Masturbation is a selfish and solitary indulgence, especially so if it's
causing you to ignore and hurt your partner. What I can't believe is that
you've stayed with this boorish man for seven years. What are you thinking?
You should have put your foot down the very first time this happened and
told him you feel insulted and you won't put up with it. Instead, you let him get away with it
until he began to think it was okay. And why wouldn't he? He let you
stand outside the door and hurt while he masturbated and didn't care how
There's nothing wrong with masturbation if it's shared, a mutual activity
that includes your mate. But if he deliberately excludes you, he's just being mean,
and mean men don't change their stripes. Once a man gets used to the idea
that he can hurt you, he will continue to do it.
Since you didn't leave, he knew he could do whatever he wanted and you'd
still hang around. Sure, it's you and your lack of self-esteem that has
allowed this situation to develop. If you had good self-esteem, you would
never put up with his constant disregard for your feelings. You would have
left long ago.
The only thing wrong with you is that you're still in this relationship.
You are at a time in life when you should be married and
starting a family. You can't do this with a man who won't have sex with you
and prefers masturbation. It's not because he doesn't think you're sexy,
it's because he doesn't want to go to the trouble
of making anyone but himself happy.
You will feel normal again, but never with this man. Get out. Find someone
who wants to have sex with you, not themselves. Then you will begin to
regain your self-esteem.
Never let a man get away with treating you this badly again. If you had a
puppy and it messed in your living room, you'd make a big fuss and swat the
puppy. If you didn't, the puppy would learn it was okay and mess there
again and again. Men are at least as smart as puppies. If you let them make
a mess in your life, they will, over and over again.
This relationship is beyond redemption. He doesn't deserve you or any
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am 35 and have never married and have no kids, I have always been the
type of girl that would have short affairs. However last year I met a
married man who came into where I work I am an exotic dancer, he offered
me 500 to spend the night at the ritz and I said yes we have been seeing
each other for a year now. We have a great time when we are together he
flies me sometimes just for dinner then back home the next day. I have to
tell you that he is on his 3rd wife. I don't know what to do? I can see
myself with him 4 ever. Please help me...
Dear Never Married,
So you've been with this man for a year. And where has that gotten
you? You fly to see him and have exotic nights together, but you are
always the "other woman." He will never see you on holidays or be there
for you if you need him. You can't call him for help if your car breaks
down and he won't be there if you're sick. This is a one-way relationship,
and these kinds of affairs almost always end badly. Eventually, he will
move on to another "other" woman and you will be left with no more future
than you have now.
You've had your fling. You've had the experience. Now it's time to
leave. You need to find a man who will be just yours. Someone who will be
there for you and who you can depend on for life. You need more than you're
getting from him. Okay, you don't want to give him up, but you really need
to get more out of life than he's giving you. There's no future
here. Pretty Woman is a fantasy, a movie. In reality, most mistresses wind
up broke and unhappy, or simply waiting by the phone for him to have time.
You will never be first in his life, only second fiddle to his wife. You
may think you're going to be wife number four, but once a man has paid you
for sex, he no longer thinks of you as wife material. So your future with
him is limited and probably doomed. There is nothing sadder than a lonely
Give it up. Find someone who loves you and who you can love without money
Ladies Love Outlaws
Dear Dr. Tracy,
My girlfriend is writing letters to a convicted murdered for a school
class. I don't have a problem with that, however I believe the letters
are now becoming a little too personal as she has sent pictures to him and
is writing about him in her journal, the journal entries have a bit of an
obsessive tone to them as in "I can't wait to get your letter", "I wonder
if he is looking at my pictures and thinking about me", "I bet he has
hundreds of women in love with him so I'll just have to be different and
stand out so he notices me" (it is a very high profile case in the
I was quite alarmed at these entries, I would be ok with
everything if the letters would be specifically about his case, but now
it's as if she's developing a more involved relationship with him. I'm
bothered by the pictures and I guess even though this man is in jail it
still affects me as if she was writing these personal letters to someone
not in jail. Am I just being petty or am I right in her respecting my
feelings to keep the letters to just regarding his case? I love this girl
and am thinking about asking her to marry me, she says she loves me as
well but this really makes me wonder?
Yes, you are right to be concerned about these letters to the
murderer. Women have been know to fall for men in jail because they're
safe. They can send all their feelings to them without worrying about
whether they'll have to become intimate or even deal with issues like being
together or being rejected. Men in jail can't hurt you, or so they think.
The truth is that prisoners have nothing else to do but encourage these
poor misled women into deeper and deeper relationships. Some of them even
go so far as to visit these men in prison and there have even been cases
where women have married prisoners.
This is a dangerous penpal and you should definitely get your girlfriend to
stop writing him. Do whatever you have to do to get her to stop, including
talking to the teacher of the class that encouraged her to write to the
prisoner in the first place.
You aren't being petty, you're being caring and worrying about a
potentially serious problem. Let her know that you want to marry her, but
not if she keeps writing this man. Make it a deal breaker and she will see
that the letter writing can affect her life and make her lose the man she
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