Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

8/20/10

He Prefers His Own Company
Pretty Woman
Ladies Love Outlaws



He Prefers His Own Company

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 38 yrs old and I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. He is 36. Very early in our relationship he started to prefer masturbation to being with me. For so long now I have had to actually stand outside the door and ask him to let me in. I have told him so many times that this is really hurting my ego but he doesn't seem to care. It used to hurt really bad, now I just want to know if it is me or what. I have gotten so used to feeling like there must be something wrong with me, that now I don't even thimk about sex and I forget what wanting it felt like.

My question is, "Will I ever feel normal again?" and "Is it because he doesn't think I'm sexy?"

Dear Hurting,

Masturbation is a selfish and solitary indulgence, especially so if it's causing you to ignore and hurt your partner. What I can't believe is that you've stayed with this boorish man for seven years. What are you thinking?

You should have put your foot down the very first time this happened and told him you feel insulted and you won't put up with it. Instead, you let him get away with it until he began to think it was okay. And why wouldn't he? He let you stand outside the door and hurt while he masturbated and didn't care how you felt.

There's nothing wrong with masturbation if it's shared, a mutual activity that includes your mate. But if he deliberately excludes you, he's just being mean, and mean men don't change their stripes. Once a man gets used to the idea that he can hurt you, he will continue to do it.

Since you didn't leave, he knew he could do whatever he wanted and you'd still hang around. Sure, it's you and your lack of self-esteem that has allowed this situation to develop. If you had good self-esteem, you would never put up with his constant disregard for your feelings. You would have left long ago.

The only thing wrong with you is that you're still in this relationship. You are at a time in life when you should be married and starting a family. You can't do this with a man who won't have sex with you and prefers masturbation. It's not because he doesn't think you're sexy, it's because he doesn't want to go to the trouble of making anyone but himself happy.

You will feel normal again, but never with this man. Get out. Find someone who wants to have sex with you, not themselves. Then you will begin to regain your self-esteem.

Never let a man get away with treating you this badly again. If you had a puppy and it messed in your living room, you'd make a big fuss and swat the puppy. If you didn't, the puppy would learn it was okay and mess there again and again. Men are at least as smart as puppies. If you let them make a mess in your life, they will, over and over again.

This relationship is beyond redemption. He doesn't deserve you or any other woman.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Pretty Woman

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 35 and have never married and have no kids, I have always been the type of girl that would have short affairs. However last year I met a married man who came into where I work I am an exotic dancer, he offered me 500 to spend the night at the ritz and I said yes we have been seeing each other for a year now. We have a great time when we are together he flies me sometimes just for dinner then back home the next day. I have to tell you that he is on his 3rd wife. I don't know what to do? I can see myself with him 4 ever. Please help me...

Pretty Woman

Dear Never Married,

So you've been with this man for a year. And where has that gotten you? You fly to see him and have exotic nights together, but you are always the "other woman." He will never see you on holidays or be there for you if you need him. You can't call him for help if your car breaks down and he won't be there if you're sick. This is a one-way relationship, and these kinds of affairs almost always end badly. Eventually, he will move on to another "other" woman and you will be left with no more future than you have now.

You've had your fling. You've had the experience. Now it's time to leave. You need to find a man who will be just yours. Someone who will be there for you and who you can depend on for life. You need more than you're getting from him. Okay, you don't want to give him up, but you really need to get more out of life than he's giving you. There's no future here. Pretty Woman is a fantasy, a movie. In reality, most mistresses wind up broke and unhappy, or simply waiting by the phone for him to have time.

You will never be first in his life, only second fiddle to his wife. You may think you're going to be wife number four, but once a man has paid you for sex, he no longer thinks of you as wife material. So your future with him is limited and probably doomed. There is nothing sadder than a lonely old mistress.

Give it up. Find someone who loves you and who you can love without money being involved.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Ladies Love Outlaws

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My girlfriend is writing letters to a convicted murdered for a school class. I don't have a problem with that, however I believe the letters are now becoming a little too personal as she has sent pictures to him and is writing about him in her journal, the journal entries have a bit of an obsessive tone to them as in "I can't wait to get your letter", "I wonder if he is looking at my pictures and thinking about me", "I bet he has hundreds of women in love with him so I'll just have to be different and stand out so he notices me" (it is a very high profile case in the media)

I was quite alarmed at these entries, I would be ok with everything if the letters would be specifically about his case, but now it's as if she's developing a more involved relationship with him. I'm bothered by the pictures and I guess even though this man is in jail it still affects me as if she was writing these personal letters to someone not in jail. Am I just being petty or am I right in her respecting my feelings to keep the letters to just regarding his case? I love this girl and am thinking about asking her to marry me, she says she loves me as well but this really makes me wonder?

Dear Bothered,

Yes, you are right to be concerned about these letters to the murderer. Women have been know to fall for men in jail because they're safe. They can send all their feelings to them without worrying about whether they'll have to become intimate or even deal with issues like being together or being rejected. Men in jail can't hurt you, or so they think.

The truth is that prisoners have nothing else to do but encourage these poor misled women into deeper and deeper relationships. Some of them even go so far as to visit these men in prison and there have even been cases where women have married prisoners.

This is a dangerous penpal and you should definitely get your girlfriend to stop writing him. Do whatever you have to do to get her to stop, including talking to the teacher of the class that encouraged her to write to the prisoner in the first place.

You aren't being petty, you're being caring and worrying about a potentially serious problem. Let her know that you want to marry her, but not if she keeps writing this man. Make it a deal breaker and she will see that the letter writing can affect her life and make her lose the man she loves.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)




(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page

© copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot