Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

4/1/2001

A Dangerous Man
Her Lover's Past
He Wants a Threesome



A Dangerous Man

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 19 y/o who has been with this guy (who is also 19) for about 2 months. Although I like this guy a lot, he's very forgetful. He forgets everything. He tells me he'll call me that night and he won't. Or he'll tell me he's going to take me to work and he'll forget or be late. Or he says I'll be over in a little bit and 3 hours later he shows up. If our relationship had a theme song it would definetly, "Why do you build me up, Buttercup?" Is he really forgetting or is he doing this on purpose?

He's also involved with Marijauna. He and his friends are always trying to sell or buy some. It seems like everytime we're alone, someone interupts because they need weed. I don't mind that he smokes, but I do mind that dealing it becomes more important than spending time with me.

~Princess Buttercup

Dear Princess,

You're a princess in search of a prince, and I'm afraid the toad you've found may take more than kisses to turn into a prince.

The fact that he's late all the time is terribly arrogant and inconsiderate. It's as if he's saying that whatever he's doing is more important than any plans he has with you. It's also as if he's saying you'll wait for him, no matter when he comes. Have you been waiting? If so, you've taught him that no matter how late he is, you'll still be there waiting. You need to teach him some new lessons. The next time he's late, wait 15 minutes and leave. Go to a girlfriend's house. Go to a movie. Just don't be there waiting for him.

You can't even depend on him to pick you up to take you to work when he says he will. The solution is not to depend on him for anything, or you're sure to be disappointed. He's not forgetting, he's just convinced that you'll wait for him no matter when he shows up.

Frankly, you should find a new boyfriend. He can't be good husband material. You'd be waiting for him at the altar. You'd be having your babies by yourself. You could never depend on him. So unless you're prepared to live with an arrogant, undependable man for the rest of your life, dump him.

Also, he's probably stoned, or dealing. And that's the worst problem. Sure, lots of people smoke pot, but that's no excuse to be totally inconsiderate of others. The real problem is his dealing. If he gets caught and you're with him, you could go to jail too. Don't put yourself in this kind of danger. Don't make your life revolve around every druggie's need for some pot.

Be smart. You're too young to mess up your life with this guy. Find a man who can show up where he's supposed to be when he's supposed to be there.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Her Lover's Past

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 34 year old lesbian who for a month now have been dating a 26 year old woman from Europe. She followed a girl to the U.S. after only knowing her 2 months...left her country and her family. They have since broken up, after being together for around 5 years. They also bought a house together and the ex is still living in it and they have not divided there property or anything yet. My girlfriend is making her ex sell the home, and moved out of the house just this past October. My girlfriend has very few friends here and as a result she grew very close to her ex's parents and is still in communication with them.

My question is....should it upset me that she still visits the ex's mom...sending her birthday and valentine cards...and relaying to me that the ex's mom considers her there daughter?

Isn't there are a time when the slate is supposed to be cleaned? My girlfriend is also still paying half the mortgage on the house (since her name is on it) although she no longer lives there)...and she insists on personally delivering the monthly check. She is also paying on a loan that the ex's mother gave the two of them for a downpayment on the house. She also, insists on a personal delivery of that check as well.

She says she loves me, and that the relationship is definitely over. Why do I feel angst over the loose ends?

Dear Angsty,

You've only been dating this woman for a month and you want to cut her off from her past? That's over-reaching. Be content to have her in your life and to be number one in each other's lives for now.

Since she has no other friends or relatives in this country, it's natural for her to want to hold on to the ones she has. Just because you've fallen in love with someone doesn't mean you get to be the boss of who they see from their past. Let her see her ex's mother. Big deal!

Let her hand deliver the checks if it makes her happy. Why don't you go with her to deliver the checks? Why don't you make friends with her ex's mother? With her ex? A person's past doesn't get erased when they fall in love with someone new. You don't cut someone totally out of your life after you've lived with them for five years.

Why do you feel angst over these loose ends? Because you're insecure. Because you haven't learned that you are a unique and special person, not like any other, and that you can't be replaced by someone else. If she wants to be with you, a visit to deliver a check or a visit to her ex's mother is not going to make her want to be with someone else.

If you would realize that you are special, that she had her chance with the other woman and decided it wouldn't work, and that you are number one now, you wouldn't be so worried about the loose ends your lover still hasn't tied up.

Give her a break. It's only been a month.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



He Wants a Threesome

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hi Tracy, my name is Lori. I am a young 42 yr.old woman who lives with a 33 yr. old man(boy). Recently he's been bugging me about broadening our sexual adventures and becoming involved with other couples, and/or another woman. He labels me as being bi-curious, but I'm not and really don't want to be. This he says would really turn him on but it scares the hell out of me. What should I do? Thankyou for your time.

depressed and desperate

Dear Depressed and Desperate,

If you're not bi-curious and don't want to participate in three-way sex, just say no. Why are you so afraid to say no to this man/boy? Is it because he's so much younger than you are? Are you really afraid to say no because you're scared you won't be able to keep him unless you say yes?

Don't be a fool. Don't feel forced to do anything that you don't want to do. If he wants sexual adventures that you absolutely don't want to participate in, then tell him to go find some other woman who will be the sexual adventurer he's bugging you to become. You will have to risk losing him. If he's such a big baby that he can't live with someone who says no to him, if he's so immature that he can't be monogamous with you, then find someone else.

The trouble with being with a much younger man is that you always feel that you have to prove yourself to him. You probably have been doing whatever he wants and so he's now asking for more. It's time to put a stop to his getting every adventure that will turn him on. There are lots of things that will turn men on, but they don't all get to do them all.

The problem in your relationship is deeper than whether or not to have three-way or four-way sex. The problem is that you're too scared to say no.

I wouldn't be surprised if you wound up having sex with him and whomever else he chooses, even though it scares the hell out of you, because you're more scared of telling him no. But remember, even if you have a three-way or a four-way, that doesn't mean it'll be the end of his demands. Next he'll want a six-way or an orgy.

Don't get into something you're not prepared for or don't want because you feel you have to bend over backward to keep your young guy. Realize he's not the last man in the world and this relationship probably won't last any longer if you do indulge his sexual fantasies than if you don't.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Submitting a Question to this column

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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