Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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Wants Him Back
The Wrong Song
A Woman's Sexual Peak

Wants Him Back

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a never-married female in my 20s. For almost 2 years I had a wonderful relationship with a beautiful man. Even when he became an Air Force Officer and we had to do the long distance thing for over a year we remained very close and would visit each other frequently. We both have decent incomes and would split the cost so it was never a financial burden. We got along great and were very much in love. I gave my heart completely to him. I wanted to marry him. I still do.

At the end of August, I flew down to see him for 10 days. We had a wonderful time and I felt closer to him than ever. He told me he loved me every day and was very affectionate. Everything seemed perfect.

Around the eigth day of my visit I did notice a change in him though. He became distant, but I just thought it was stress from his career or something. He would hold my hand and kiss me but not look at me and he just seemed... so distant and sad. I asked him if something was wrong but I couldn't get a straight answer, he just said it was stress and fatigue.

A few days after I got home I get a call from him. He's crying. (He NEVER cries!) He says he hates to do this to me...but he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. He's no longer in love with me. I was devastated and asked him "why?".

He says he has no idea why his feelings changed and that they changed in a matter of about 2-3 days. He says I was a perfect girlfriend and didn't do anything wrong. That I'm more beautiful than ever. That it's not the distance and that he's not cheating on me. But he has NO explanation for why he feels this way so suddenly. (He had wanted to marry me a short time earlier, he said.)

The whole time he was telling me this, I could see the tears rolling down his face since it was via video-chat. I've never seen him cry at all before, let alone sob like he was. I cried too...I still cry everyday thinking about it almost a month later.

We haven't had much contact since then and I don't know what to do. He said he needed time and space to "think" but he doesn't think his feelings will change.

The few times I have spoken to him in the past month , I've had a hard time keeping my emotional cool. I've cried, told him how much I loved him-that I would do anything for him, that I could make him happy. Everything. I've tried reasoning with him but he just says he's so sorry and doesn't know why he feels this way so suddenly and he doesn't think he can change it.

He's coming home to see his family over Christmas and I'll have the opportunity to see him then. I'm hoping we can talk face to face and maybe when he's had 4 months to miss me, his perspective will change. But what should I do/say when I do see him? Should I contact him 'til then, or just cut all contact and wait 'til Christmas? I've been avoiding making any contact with him for the most part since I only seem to make myself look foolish. I love this man with all my heart and desperately want him in my life again. I would do whatever necessary to bring him back to me.

Dear Desperate,

Although this man says he's not being unfaithful to you, I suspect otherwise. Men don't just fall out of love in 2 or 3 days unless they've fallen in love with someone else. He just doesn't want to tell you the truth.

For now, the worst thing you could do is to call him crying and telling him how much you still love him. That will only make him think he can continue doing whatever he's doing with whomever he's doing it and that if it doesn't work out, you'll still be there waiting for him.

Begging is demeaning and bad for your self-esteem. Plus it doesn't work. The best thing you can do now is to stop contacting him altogether and give him a chance to miss you. Let him see what life without you is like. Get online and join a dating service like match.com and find someone new. Be sure to tell everyone who knows you both that you're moving on. He'll find out about it through the grapevine and worry that you've left him permanently.

Back off and chances are he'll come to you. I find that if the sex was great, men always come back for one more. That's your chance to show him that you've changed. Instead of being weepy, be happy. Men are more attracted to happy women than weepy ones. Let him know that you've been dating and are involved with other men. Preferably a special guy.

Give him some competition and he's likely to want you even more. Don't contact him until you see him. When you do see him, be wonderful, warm and loving and just a little distant.

The best attitude you can have is "I have a secret lover." That will entice him more than anything.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

The Wrong Song

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 21 and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over a year. Please don't write off the following predicament as petty nonsense because it really has taken a negative toll on both my girlfriend and I. I believe that the implications of it are significant as well.

Basically, it started when I would be into a certain band, but after sharing it with my girlfriend she would automatically categorize this band as "below her" and lame so to speak, completely rejecting my taste in music. However, once this same exact band was advocated by a member of her musical clique as acceptable or worst yet, "amazing!" she would all of a sudden be enthralled by this band and their greatness.

I admit, I have pride issues. But i've experienced this type of inconsistency from her repetitively and I've become increasingly offended from this type of reverse behavior. Why isn't my opinion valid until it has been validated by outside sources? I feel like a key quality in our relationship, namely the valuation and respect of dignity is deemphasized on her own volition and I'm beginning to feel the effects of this discord. I don't know what to do. I genuinely appreciate everything she sends my way. I truly do value her and I make it clear to her how much I appreciate her and all she has to offer, but I don't feel the reciprocity, not in the little things and certainly not in the less petty things. I could sure use some advice.

Dear Rejected,

You are right: your girlfriend's failure to respect your opinion on music and other matters is not a petty issue. But the problem may have nothing to do with your music or you. The problem could be hers alone. I suspect that her basic decision-making process is to ask others in order to make up her mind.

If so, she will always seek the opinion of others in order to decide what to do, whether it's to be with you or to like a particular song. She can't make a decision on her own because she doesn't trust herself.

Unless you are willing to accept the fact that she has to be validated by others, then you will always be unhappy and feel offended by her behavior. It's not about the music, it's about whether you can accept her the way she is. People who need other people's approval for everything they do rarely change. If anything they get worse.

If you feel as if you are giving more than you're getting back in the respect department, you will feel cheated in this relationship. If you want a woman who can agree with you without having to check it out with others, this isn't the one for you.

You're young enough to move on and find someone else. This isn't about the music, it's about whether you feel loved enough. And when she rejects your opinions or taste in music, you feel as if she doesn't love you, whether that's true or not.

Eventually, this will make your relationship impossible and you will break up. Don't draw out the pain. Get out now and find someone more mature and secure in their own opinions and taste.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

A Woman's Sexual Peak

Dear Dr. Tracy,

hi i am a 28 year old woman, my question is when do women go through there sexual peak? See for the last 6 months all i want to do is have sex and i dont know if i am going thruogh my sexual peak. And how do you tell your husband that you want to have sex all the time with out making him feel nervous or uncomfortable?

Dear Sexy,

It's an interesting fact that women reach their sexual peak in their late 20's and early 30's and it can go on well into the 40's. Men, on the other hand, peak in their teens and early 20's. That's why old men love younger women. They don't demand a lot and the older guy doesn't have to perform as much as he would with a more mature woman in her peak of sexuality.

It's also why older women like younger men. The younger men can keep up, where the older guys often can't.

As for how to tell your husband, don't tell. Show him. Seduce him more often and make sex a more regular part of your life. Let him know that you want it by your actions, not your words. Show him sexy movies, wear erotic clothing, buy some new sex toys and sex magazines.

Ask him about his sexual fantasies. If you learn all his hot buttons, you'll be able to entice him into more sex. And get a good vibrator for those times when he's just too tired.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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