"Ask Dr. Tracy"

3/16/97 Advice Column

Wigged out in bed,
When to have sex

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been chatting on line now for about a year. I have met some really interesting people and think it is a great place to while away some free time. I have been chatting for over 3 months now with 2 different men. Both of them tell me they have met women over the net and have slept with them. Both of these cyber romeos are married with children. I have asked them why the cheating on the wife and are they unhappy in their marriage. They both tell me the same thig....they really love their wives and are happily married but....... Some of these buts are the need for variety, love of sex, more sexual frequency etc. So tell me Dr. Tracy, if these men are really so happy with their wives, why all the cheating??? Is that really loving someone if they are screwing around behind their backs???


Dear Curious,

You must be VERY curious. You've spent 3 months talking to these cyber-creeps?

If you're not repelled by these guys, you ought to at least be suspicious of their bragging. Husbands cheat and wives cheat, and it's so common and tawdry and sad that I'm puzzled by your fascination with it. Beyond that, their stories sound pretty dubious. The fact is that cheaters are more likely to start their HIV encounters at the office or corner bar than on the Net. You may think you're learning about what motivates a man to cheat while, instead, you may be listening to some sick person's fabrications.

"Meeting" and flirting on the Net is usually fantasy-type entertainment. No matter what someone tells you, you don't know where they live or even what sex they are without serious offline checking. You can get propositioned or fall in cyberlove, agree to a meeting at an airport, and get stood up without ever knowing that your romeo was a 13-year-old kid somewhere who's laughing at you and telling the story to his pimply-faced friends.

And what if your guys are in fact adult males? They're big-time jerks if they're telling the truth, and jerk-offs if they're not. And you don't want to know the truth, believe me. Either way, you're spending your online time with a couple of heavy-breathers.

Don't waste your time with CyberTrash. Certainly you can find a guy on the internet who at least claims to be single, instead of cheating on his wife, and who says he's looking for a love relationship. "The Pitfalls of Cyberlove" in my Library provides more information about meeting online.

Your final question is so naive I suspect you're putting me on. You don't really take a man seriously when he says he's "happy with his wife, but...", do you? Let me reassure you, Ms. Curious, that men who really love their wives don't risk their relationships by sleeping with other women. In this era of STD, AIDS, etc., anybody -- husband or wife -- who sleeps around risks taking a disease home to his spouse.

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've been in the same monogomous relationship for seven years and sex has become sort of predictable, dare I say dull? Recently, on a lark, I bought a brunette wig (I'm a blonde) which i wore while we had sex. Needless to say the sex was fabulous. The only probably is now my partner always wants me to wear the wig. I find this a little creepy. What should I do?

Dear Wigged-Out,

Why don't you consider becoming a brunette? Lots of women change their haircolor, go natural, let it grow, curl it or cut it off to keep their guy happy. Big deal. It's a small price for sexual excitment.

After seven years, adding spark to your lovemaking means thinking of new things to do. Have you tried dressing in a costume (a nurse, a schoolgirl, or even a woman cop)?

So all of this sounds a little silly. So what. Believe me, people do much weirder things in bed to keep their lovelives lively. I think it's great that you could reignite your whole lovelife by changing hair color. If it was that easy for everyone whose lovelife is dull, the wig business would be booming.

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

At what point in a relationship or during dating should you start having sex. Can you give guidelines e.g. after a certain number of dates or weeks together or when certain events happen? I can never be sure.

Dear Uncertain,

Nobody can tell anyone when to have sex in a relationship because the answer is different for each relationship, for different age groups, even for people with different experiences.

A young virgin, for example, may want to wait a long time to have sex, perhaps even until after marriage. A forty year old virgin, on the other hand, may decide to have sex with the next decent person who shows up. A very experienced woman or man may want sex at the first meeting.

In general, don't have sex until you absolutely can't live without it, until you can't stop yourself, until you are both so hot there's no going back. Naturally there's no guarantee that you won't be sorry in the morning if you rush into sex with someone you don't know very well. On the other hand, you could wind up really happy in the morning, depending on the person you've picked to have sex with.

When a couple has sex has little to do with the validity of the relationship or with whether the relationship will last. I know lots of couples who went to bed on the first date and who remain happily married fifteen years later. There are also many couples who had sex on the first date and never saw each other again. There are no guarantees that the relationship will last if you have sex after three dates, or after three years, so in the final analysis, you have to do what your conscience can live with and what makes you happy.

To put this answer into the perspective of a developing relationship, read "The Steps To Commitment" in my Library.

Dr. Tracy

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