The "Interim Man"
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am a guy who is in his mid thirties. I recently met a woman through a
video dating service who is recently divorced. I do not know for how long
she has been divorced. We have gone out a couple of times and everytime I
have asked her to go out she has said yes with a lot of enthusiasm. At the
video dating service, she stated her interest in a relationship was to casual date and
I would desperately like to have a real relationship with her, but I
do not know how to proceed. Should I let her know how interested I am in her,
or should I proceed slowly with her? Since she is divorced recently, should
I not expect to much to come of this relationship? Since I am 34 years of
age and have never been married and currently looking for that special
someone whom I could spend the rest of my lfe with, is it wrong to want to
have a relationship with this woman so much so that I pass up other
oportunities? I am still looking for that special someone, but everyone I meet
I am starting to compare to the one I really want at this point in time.
Where should I go from here?
Lots of women say their interest is to casually date, when what they really mean is casually date until they find the right guy. But since this lady may still be recovering from her divorce, you'd be wise to take her at her word. Don't pass up other oportunities. Lots of experience with different women will help you make a better decision on a mate.
You don't want to be what I call the "interim" man, the one who helps a divorcee through the pain of the divorce, but who never "gets the girl." He's the guy who listens to her whine about her ex, is always there for her, and gets dumped when she regains her self-confidence and finds someone who's more of a challenge and less of a doormat. It doesn't always work out that way, of course, but as a cautionary measure, read "Women to Avoid, Part 2" in my Library, with special attention to "The Walking Wounded."
Driving Men Away
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I have a question nagging my mind. I am in my twenties. I have lots of
friends (both male and female). But I have never had a boyfriend. I
think that is abnormal since most of my friends don't have this problem.
I think that guys look for looks (which I don't think I have). But
really, what else can it be? Another problem is that if there someone I
like then I will go to great lengths to ignore him and give him a hard
time. Flirting for me is way too difficult and nothing ever happens. HELP!!!
You ask "what else (other than looks) can it be?" and then you answer your own question.
You're driving men off. Men like encouragement. They look for signals that they're welcome -- a smile, a seductive look, a subtle touch. "Giving him a hard time" doesn't qualify. If you refuse to learn to flirt, you're not participating in our species' age-old mating ritual.
Flirting comes naturally to some women. Others find it initially difficult or awkward and then quit trying, taking the holier-than-thou position that it's "demeaning" and somehow beneath them. I suppose they figure their Prince Charming will have radar vision. You and the woman in "Too Proud to Flirt" are at least being honest in saying you find flirting difficult. I respect that. Here's how to learn.
First, read some simple steps to get you started in "Flirting and Meeting", and then some more advanced techniques in "The Amazing Power of Mirroring."
Learning these techniques can take some time, so while you're learning and practicing, think about trying some verbal flirting online. One reason you're afraid to flirt is fear of rejection. If you flirt on the Web, you don't have to worry about face-to-face rejection or about how you look. That could be a less threatening beginning. Try it!
Dear Dr. Tracy,
I am a 25 year old man, that considers himself a very nice
and caring man. I have been living with a woman since the
1st of February. The problem is that things do not seem to
be working out. I feel that I have been giving all that I
can give. It has not helped that some of life goals did not
happen this year. I wanted to go back and work on a Ph.D.
I am finding it very difficult to leave the relationship because
we are expecting a child at the end of September. I believe
that this child deserves 2 parents that love him/her, but I
don't believe that if I am not happy the best thing for the
child is a marriage. Yes, I care about this woman. I just
really feel that our lives are too different, in the ways we
react to situations. I feel that she is asking me to make the happiness for both of
us. I am having a hard enough time with my own, and don't
feel that I am responsible for hers. I am an independent
type of person. Yes, I need support and love, but I don't
need it constantly. I feel that this is what she wants from
me. I feel that I have very little private time... I feel that I
am constantly having to be with her. I have not developed
any friends in the area to do things with, besides my Ex and
her best friend. We (Ex & Me) are going to be friends.
I lately have felt that I should end my current
relationship and just stay single for a few years and see
where that leads to. I do care deeply about the woman I am
living with, and things are difficult because her family
basically kicked her out of the house. That is why we are
living together. My family told me to think for myself
and do what is best for me. I do want this child, I am not
sure about the relationship though. I wish I knew a few months ago what I know
now. But I can't live in the past. Life must go forward.
Dear Going Forward,
You consider yourself a "very nice and caring man?" What world are you living in? You're being a totally irresponsible, self-centered, despicable jerk for even thinking about leaving a woman who was been kicked out by her parents and is now pregnant with your child. You can't have the child, end the relationship with the mother and go merrily on your way. You have to take some responsibility here. You should at least stick around until the baby is old enough for daycare and your girlfriend can take care of herself.
Find new friends -- and not your ex. Encourage your live-in girlfriend to find activities that are fulfilling to her. Make plans about how you intend to take care of your child. You have a lot of decisions to make, since it seems that you've already made the decision to become parents. Now you have to do everything that's necessary to take care of your future child.
If you leave now, you're going to be explaining your runaway act for the rest of your life. I'm not saying you have to get married, but you do have to be responsible.
Submitting a Question to this column
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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev
Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers,
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