Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss


Her Husband's Fantasy
He Gives Great Phone
Good Riddance

Her Husband's Fantasy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My husband and I are both 33 and have been married for 6 years with a 4-year old son whom we love very much.

My husband has always had this fantasy of watching me with another man, before I've always said no and he never pressured me, just dropped hints every now and then. But this year I've started to indulge him with his fantasy during our lovemaking (pretending he was someone else, etc) and I enjoyed it very much and our sex life has been fantastic since.

About a month ago I hired a personal trainer in my gym, he was of different race and when I told my husband he got so turned on by the idea of me and my PT. I didn't feel anything about my PT at first, it didn't even cross my mind but ever since my husband put those seeds of thoughts into my head, I started to see him differently and lately I've been lusting over him like crazy and I've started really considering making my husband's fantasy come true. I told my husband how I'm feeling and he's very happy that I finally found somebody I'm attracted to physically and he's really urging me to do this with my PT because he knows I'm very picky about our third partner.

So what I'm looking for is some positive advice, like how to keep it from getting messy, how to ask the other person and how to handle feelings that might surface from the encounter, etc. I wrote to you because from the answers that you've given in your love library, you seem very open-minded when it comes to sex yet very realistic, and you seem to be non-judgemental when it comes to threesome :)

So your advice will be very very much appreciated. Thank you very much beforehand.

Dear Picky,

It's great that you and your husband have such an active and interesting sex life. But remember, fantasizing about something is always different from the reality. In your fantasies, everything works out exactly the way you want it to. There are no messy problems like "after guilt" or repercussions, like your husband didn't really like it and now he's angry and upset.

You never know what reality has in store for you when you set out to make a fantasy come true, especially one that involves a third person over whom you have no control. That person could become possessive or difficult or begin to expect more than you're willing to give.

So before you get carried away, feel your trainer out. Ask him if he's ever been in a threesome. His reaction will give you a starting point. It's quite possible that he'll think you're out of your mind if you just suggest such a thing. He could have religious objections or be involved in a relationship himself. Or he could be gay. Have you and your husband considered that?

So it's important to find out everything the third party expects before you set your plan in action. Then be very clear about what you intend to do and what you don't intend to do, both with your husband and the PT -- assuming he's even interested.

If you get to the point where you're actually going to have a real threesome, then have a key word or phase worked out with your husband that will signal you want to end the encounter or aren't feeling good about the way things are going.

Don't be shy about speaking up if it's not working out for you and have an agreement with your husband that there will be no after anger. Make sure you aren't going to jeopardize your wonderful marriage.

Some things are better off remaining as fantasies. Be sure this isn't one of those before you proceed. Remember, you will have to see your trainer again. Think about how you would feel if you do or don't wind up in a threeway with him. And if you do, be sure to tell your husband how much better he is than the other guy, even if you're not sure.

If your trainer isn't interested, you could join a "swinger's club" and find someone who is experienced and who knows the rules. That way it wouldn't be all newbies trying to make a fantasy come true.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

He Gives Great Phone

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I really need advice from someone that may possibly know what is going on with my dilemma because I sure don't know anymore. Long story short. Worked with a man for many years. The last three we have become very close. He has never been married. I am divorced. Both in our 40's. He has listened to everything I've said. Calls me every night. I love talking to him. We have been out a few times but I wouldn't consider any of them a date. I think about him all the time. Even though he says that he doesn't need anyone in his life, he seems to be extremely curious about everyone in mine. If I didn't know better, I would think he's a little jealous. But it can't be simply because he constantly says that he'll never be in a relationship ever again. Yes, at one time he was hurt by someone. He never talks about it.

My question is simple. Does it sound like he cares about me? He's not one to talk to anyone but he sure talks with me. Yeah, I care about him more than I want to but I don't want to get hurt again, either. I can only tell you one important thing. He is so worth everything in my eyes. I've been told by others he really cares for me. I just don't know what to think anymore. I guess men confuse me. This one sure does. I hope you see something I don't. I just believe that the man should make the first move.

Like I said before, he calls every night. If he doesn't, he'll explain why. I never ask. Do men call girls every night like that if they don't care? He's been so good to me and I don't want to ruin our friendship in any way by letting on that I care. I want to believe that if I stay patient, something good will happen one day. I really do.

Thank you for your insight.

Signed, Very Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,

One of the most important things to think about when considering getting into a relationship with someone is "have you listened to what he says ?" or are you just so hopeful you ignore the obvious.

There are guys who give great phone, but never really get closer than that. They love to talk and be friends, but when it comes to really being with you physically and emotionally, they're just not there.

This guy sounds like one of those men who want to live out an imaginary relationship where they find out everything, but never want to marry or commit. This man doesn't show signs of wanting more. He has even told you tht he doesn't want anyone in his life. He just wants an arms-length relationship and is happy with just what he has.

From your letter, I can tell you want more.

I'm not saying he doesn't care for you, just that he doesn't care enough and not in the way you want him to. He's just not interested in more.

So don't pin your hopes on Mr. Great Phone, but nothing else. Instead join match.com or eharmony.com and find someone who is actually looking for a committed relationship.

A man who is really interested in you want more than a talk or a casual date. He wants physical intimacy. He wants to touch, kiss and yes, have sex.

So I'm sorry to tell you, this is a pass.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Good Riddance

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My long distance (we live three hours apart) on again off again boyfriend sent me an email telling me that he is engaged to another woman and that there would be no more communication from him. We ended things about a month before the email. I didn't respond to the email. A week later I received another email with she's wearing the ring I bought for you in the subject line with an attachment of a picture of a ring. Honestly I don't know what to think. Was he seeing someone all along?

Sincerely, Confused and hurt

Dear Confused and Hurt,

This guy is just mean. What a horrible thing to do. Sending you a picture of the ring was the final straw, He obviously wants to hurt you and the point is not that he was seeing someone else all along. The real point is that he's a total jerk.

Be happy he's no longer in your life. Delete any future emails from him. Don't torture yourself by wondering if he was seeing this woman all along. He probably was. He's just mean enough.

There was no reason for him to send either one of the emails except to be vindictive. Consider yourself lucky that you aren't involved with him and move on.

Frankly, long distance relationships rarely work out. It's just too hard to sustain a relationship when you're too far away to see each other regularly.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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