"Ask Dr. Tracy"

3/24/96 Advice Column

Sexual incompatibility, The "Dance-Away Lover," Caught up in being single

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've been dating this girl for a year now, I'm 25, she's 27. We've been living together 6 months or so. I love her dearly, and she says she loves me. Not only that but we are both extremely good friends, if it weren't for the one problem I'm writing about we'd probably be considered the perfect couple. The problem is Sexually we're complete opposites, I'm extremely open & I always want to try new kinks, unfortunately she's exactly opposite, she likes plain old turn-out-the-lights-get-under-the-covers sex. The few times I've tried to talk about trying something, she immediately closes up and won't have anything to do with it.

I've tried slowly suggsting all types things, in fact I've tried leading by example for some things as well (Showing off for her,etc). She loved it but, still when it comes to her doing someing "Oh god no, I would never do something like that" is usually the response.

I hate to end such a wonderful relationship for just this, since we still have normal sex & for whatever kinks I'm interested in I can read about or see from the net.

Please help...

Dear Kinky,

Turning a determinedly non-kinky woman into a fun co- experimenter is about as easy as turning a Republican into a Democrat, a Catholic into a Protestant, a liberal into a conservative. Sure, it happens, but it's a longshot.

Even when it works, changing someone is problematical. What if you do manage to transform her into a wild kinky-sex devotee and then she decides to continue her education with some master of dominance somewhere?

Nevertheless, if you want to try, here are some suggestions. First, accept that what you've done so far hasn't worked, so try something else. Start by reading "Spicing Up Your Sex Life" in my Library. In addition, get a copy of Nancy Friday's "My Secret Garden" and read it with your lady. If one or more of the fantasies turns her on, suggest acting it out with her. If she doesn't relate to any of the fantasies, and/or claims not to have fantasies at all, then you better assume you're just not going to convert her.

If all fails and you must have kinky sex -- look elsewhere. Because you're probably not going to change, either.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have this problem. I went out on this date with Joe. This was the first date we've had together and he spilled his guts about an accident that happened and about a past love interest. He acted like he wanted to get to know me better and now he is totally ignoring me and man it hurts. I feel something, like a bond with him and I don't know why. I don't know why he spilled his guts about some pretty private stuff to me on the first date? What do you make of his actions? I talked to him and let him know that I wouldn't stand for being taken advantage of nor would I tolerate him being a jerk to me.

Looking for some help.

Dear Looking for some help,

The worst pain in the butt is a guy who runs hot and cold. You feel a bond with this guy because he told you so many intimate things about himself. Self-disclosure makes you feel close.

Some guys pull away the minute they get too close. There was a book some years ago called "The Dance-Away Lover." I've forgotten what was in the book, but the title perfectly captures these kind of guys.

The danger here is that you might be tempted to chase after Joe, which will only make him pull away further. You did exactly the right thing by telling him you won't put up with that kind of behavior. Stick to your guns.

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 29 year old female and have had my share of negative relationships in the past. I can't think of any relationship I have had (whether long or short term) that I wasn't involved with one of those "people to avoid." In the past I have found that the men I've met are really only interested in "having a good time." Therefore, I've developed and nutured my single life and have no desire to make any real efforts when it comes to meeting men. My theory is that I am going to enjoy life to its fullest and that if Mr. Right comes along so be it. If he doesn't at least I am not wasting time waiting for him. I have a great job, great friends and a great home. I am a very outgoing person and have many opportunities to meet men but none seem to be attracted enough to me to want to take me on a date. My question...am I involved in being single or so afraid of getting involved that I am not attractive to men. If so, how do I change that?

Dear Waiting,

I applaud your active single life, but it's hard to "enjoy life to its fullest" if you desire a loving, committed relationship and don't have one.

I believe we make things happen. If you want Mr. Right, go out and get him just as you would anything else you want in life. Sure you could find him by accident, but would you guide your career by accident? Of course not. So if you want to meet a special man, start looking. That doesn't mean that you have to stop enjoying life, only that if you know what you want, you should go out and get it.

There are lots of on-line dating services like Match.com, Single Christian Network, etc. You can also put an ad in your local paper, hire a matchmaker or join a singles' club. Read "Are You Looking or Waiting" in my Library and follow the links.

Being attractive to men is another story. Even the most unattractive women find men. Beauty comes from within. So does your ability to attract men. I recommend my book, "How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You," which will give you some techniques to use so that you attract more men.

Questions may be submitted to Dr. Tracy's column by e-mail.

Dr. Tracy selects 3 questions of the most general interest per week to answer in this column, since it is not possible for her to answer all questions submitted.

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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