"Ask Dr. Tracy"

4/20/97 Advice Column

In Love with a Married Man,
Teenager In Love with an Older Man,
He Wears High Heels

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm in a interesting situation, or maybe its not as unique as I think, but I'll let you be the judge of that. I am 27 years old and have been involved in a serious relationship with a married man for the last 10 years. Now I don't believe this is your typical " other woman " situation so don't jump to conclusions until you hear the story. I'll try to make this as brief but as informative as possible. I met this man after he had been married for about 3 years. He got married for all the wrong reasons, but had 2 children almost immediately after getting married. I was very young when we met and he fell in love with me immediately. I know now that before that he had never experienced true love. I never pressured him for a divorce because at that time in my life I was more concerned with completing my education and going on from there. I wasn't thinking about marriage at the time. Our relationship has continued to grow stronger through the past 10 years. During that time we have spent more time together and shared more moments together than he and his wife ever did. His wife and I knew each other during the whole time, but she refused to see what was going on.

I have recently moved away for job purposes, but we still talk daily and visit as often as possible. He wants to be with me, but he has a very deep love and devotion to his children and a divorce right now would really mess up everyones situation for a lot of reasons. He has recently told her that we have had an affair in the past and he doesn't lie to her when he comes to see me. There is no intimacy in there marriage nor has there been for a very long time, but still she seems unwilling to accept the fact that he is only there for the sake of the kids and as soon as the situation presents itself he will leave. My question is, am I being a fool to wait for this moment? Would it be unreasonable for me to demand that he gets a divorce now no matter what the consequences or should I just wait a little while longer? Please tell me what you think.

Dear non-typical "other woman,"

Every "other woman" thinks she's not typical for one reason our another, but in reality, all "other women" have lots in common. The man's wife never understands or loves him. He never has sex with his wife. He'd leave her to be with you in a minute if only, if only...

It's all a con. He wants his family and you too, and only with your continued consent can he get away with it. The Married Man routine is, in fact, so standard that it puts him near the top of my list of "Men to Avoid" in my Library. The problem is you haven't avoided him, and you should know that these affairs can last a lifetime. Get him out of your life now. Find a man who is single, not one who really belongs to someone else.

Tell your married man that you can no longer wait for him, so you don't want to see or hear from him again. If he really loves you, he'll leave everything to be with you. If not, it will be painful for you, but you'll have saved yourself from what could easily be a lifetime of waiting.

Remember, until you cut the cord with him, you won't be able to have a real relationship with someone else. Dump him as fast as you can, and start looking for someone new.

Wishing you a new love,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm 13 years old and I'm in 7th grade. I've been in love with a guy that is now 17 for 3 years. I've gotten so obsessed with him sometimes that I've followed him as far as 21 miles on my bike when he had his car. I just can't stop loving him! In the 3 years I liked him he's had 4 girlfriends and i'd be so jealous. I try so hard not to be obsessed with him so he'll like me, but he doesn't.

Please help me cause I just sit and cry sometimes and ask myself Why doesn't he love me? I'm pretty, nice, athletic, and I have almost all the same interests as him!!! Alot of guys like me so why doesn't he? I know i'll never get over him so please tell me how I could get him interested in me. Thank you so much.

Dear Teen in love,

If you really love this guy, you'll lay off him. After all, most 17 year old guys want sex, and if he had sex with you he could go to jail for having sex with a minor. The only good thing that could come out of your chasing this guy is buns of steel and firm thighs from riding your bike.

The reason he doesn't love you is simple -- you're jailbait. You're too young for him. Why don't you wait until you're old enough. Then when you're 17 and he's 21, see if you still love him. You're going to change a lot in the next few years, so who knows, your taste or interests may change totally.

Wait. And don't chase guys, let them chase you. You'll be gload you did. I promise.

Hang in there,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I wear heels from three inches to six. I wear panty hose every day and enjoy them. I dress as a woman when I'm home. Why can't I be accepted in public. Early mornings I have found women who love how I look. In the dark of the early morn I can go to stores and show off my appeal. They envy me because some can't wear heels because they hurt. I wear them to bed when I make love to a woman. I have always been straight and always will. I know a woman's needs by my dresssing. When will the world accept me for who I am????


Dear Flake Lover,

Neither I nor many of the people I know would care what you wear, but lots of people do. They are old fashioned enough to think men should wear men's clothes. If you're waiting for the whole world to accept you the way you are, then you're in for a long, long wait. Be happy with the people who accept your high-heeled ways, and don't worry about the ones who don't since you can't change them any more than they can change you.

Frankly, I'm amazed that you'd want to wear the piece of clothing most women can't wait to take off. However, if you're crazy enough to want to squeeze into high heels and teeter around, go right ahead.

Have fun, but don't run...

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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