Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

4/6/2003

Marrying a Geek
His Woman Friend
Married Men are Poison



Marrying a Geek

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 34 year old divorced single woman about ready to get married to a wonderful man this summer. I met him online, and over a course of two years became best friends and discovered we belonged together. I thought in my head that he was everything I could ever want, he was perfect for me. I am not one to go for looks and never thought little tiny details would bother me, that is until we finally met.

Right when he got off the plane I could tell he was a little different. He was basically a "nerd" or a "geek". I've never thought at my age of calling someone this. But for some reason he really resembles this in my head. Not only how he looks, but little movements or things that he does.

Now this is the part that's tearing me apart. Deep down he is the most wonderful man anyone could ask for. He loves me dearly, will do anything for me if he is able too. He loves my children, and he's going to be a wonderful father. In every aspect thats really important in life he is perfect in my eyes. But I'm afraid of how I'm going to be able to cope with all these little things that bother me about him for years and years to come. Is all of these little things worth ruining losing the love of my life? Losing the man of my dreams? Losing all of this over that he walks a little funny, eats a little funny, says strange and odd things once in a while?

I've always heard you have to have chemistry. When we are in the bedroom we most definitely have it, he brings things out in me that no man has ever before, guess that's because we are so close and able to communicate well. But in public I'm sort of embarrassed, and think he's odd in a lot of ways. Is this true love? I only want to walk down that aisle one more time, I don't want to make a mistake again, or am I being too picky?

Dear Picky,

I can’t believe you’ve found the man of your dreams who loves you and your children and will do anything for you, and you’re worried about what other people will say or think! Stop living your life for others and don’t worry about what “they” will think of your choice. Nobody has to be happy with the man you choose but you.

If you’re going to be always worrying about what the rest of the world thinks, you’ll never be happy – not with him, not with yourself, not with your life or anything else. No one is perfect. The trick is to find someone who's perfect in the ways that count, and whose imperfections you can live with.

It sounds like your loving geek is perfect in your eyes in all the important things in life. Sure, some things he says may be strange and odd and the way he walks is a little funny and he eats funny – so what? If those habits are okay with you, if you love him in spite of the “funny” things he does, then you should marry him and cherish his special ways.

What you see on the outside of a person is a small percent of who that person is. Ninety-nine percent of a person is made up of what’s inside, not outside. Looks can fade. Men can lose their hair, their money, and their cool walk. But they will never lose their inner qualities like kindness, consideration, caring and the ability to love. Work on appreciating your man for what he has, not for what he doesn’t have.

Give a geek a break. Remember, Bill Gates is a geek.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



His Woman Friend

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 24 years old and have been with my boyfriend, 25, for 7 years. We have been living together for two years. For six and a half years we were very happy together, but six months ago everything started to go wrong. My boyfriend became very distant with me all of a sudden, and became obsessed with going out drinking with his friends. He told me he needed space and thought he only loved me as a friend. I was devastated, and moved out. A few weeks later he told me he loved me and wanted me to come back, and that he didn't mean what he had said. So I moved back, hoping things would work themselves out.

My boyfriend has always had a lot of female friends, and I am ok with this. However, during this bad patch he became very close with one girl in particular, and I became quite insecure because of everything that had happened. I am ashamed to admit I looked at his phone one night. They had been sending each other messages arranging to meet up and phoning each other. I had a horrible feeling that they had feelings for each other. I asked my boyfriend several times if I could come out for a drink or lunch with him and his friends and he said no, because I was making too big a deal of it. Sometimes he would meet up with this girl alone for lunch. I became very insecure, and I think this drove my boyfriend further away, but it seemed like he was hiding something.

Well I have tried to work through this situation and my boyfriend has said that him and this girl are just friends and he is entitled to be friends with who he wants. I asked him if he'd had feelings for this girl and at first he said he resented the question so would not answer, but then when I asked him again he said no. I don't have a problem with him having female friends its just there is something funny going on with this one and I don't know what. I know for sure he would never cheat on me and I trust him completely. He has become very secretive about his phone, but I'm not sure if I have driven him to that. I asked him to stop meeting up with this girl when it would just be the two of them and he refused, even though he knows how much it upsets me. At the same time I hate myself for asking because I know that in theory he is doing nothing wrong.

Things are just not the same as they were six months ago. I love him so much and just want to find a way back to what we had before. I feel so unhappy all the time. I have since told him I can't take this sadness anymore and want to move out for a while, but he begged me to stay and told me he loved me. He has since made a token gesture of letting me come for a drink with him when this girl would be there. It was kind of awkward, and they didn't speak to each other, which I thought was weird since they are good enough friends to meet up alone for lunch but didn't speak to each other when I was there.

Please help me I'm going crazy! Am I out of line for not wanting him to meet up with this girl after everything that has happened? do you think we can get back to how we used to be?

Desperately unhappy

Dear Desperately Unhappy,

Of course you’re desperately unhappy. Your boyfriend has jerked you around like a yo-yo, and now he's saying he doesn’t care about what you think – he's going to do what he wants anyway. That’s not how healthy relationships work.

You should trust your instincts about "something funny going on." I think what's going on is that he has another woman in his life. You’re absolutely right that he has to stop meeting with her alone. If this woman wants to be friends with your boyfriend, she has to be friends with you too.

You have to be strong and stick to your guns. Your boyfriend has to learn once and for all that he must put you first if you’re going to stay around. Tell him you absolutely positively won’t stay around while he treats you like you come after his friends – male or female. Especially the "other woman." You're sure he would never cheat on you, but so are most women right up until they find out their boyfriend has been cheating for months.

Can you get back to where you were? Only if your boyfriend drops his "other woman" and also decides, once and for all, that you are more important than his claimed right to be friends with whomever he wants and to do whatever he wants. You have to come first, and if he won’t put you first, you have to leave.

Don’t hate yourself for asking for what you need and deserve in your relationship. If you don’t insist on being treated with respect, you won’t be.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Married Men are Poison

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Im 19, single right now, i've only dated about 4 people seriously. About 4 months ago i started work at a new place, met alot of nice people, everything was going great. Well, i met this guy, hes about 30, works almost the same shift as me, so i was seeing him around often.

Well, we got to talking and getting to know each other, and we started flirting with each other all the time. Well i knew it was more than that when he kissed me. I fell head over heals that second for him, it was awesome.

A few days later, i found out he was married and has kids. I dont know how to put it, we still want each other very much. But i feel really bad about this and at the same time i still want to see him. I really dont know what to do, this has never happend to me before. If there is any advice you could give me i would appreciate it so much!

Dear Head Over Heels,

Back off. Cool down. Rethink this wanna-be affair.

He’s married. He’s got kids. You can only wind up a loser in this dangerous flirtation.

First of all, you could ruin your new job and your reputation. What will your employer and co-workers think of you if you are involved with a married man? What will you think of yourself when you have to sneak around and hide your feelings? How will you feel when his wife finds out and is devastated?

Affairs with married men are nothing but trouble. You may kid yourself that you won't get hung up on him, but you will. And that will keep you from being emotionally available to a nice guy who is unencumbered by a wife and kids. Being involved with a married man means being lonely on Saturday nights and holidays. It means playing second fiddle to his wife and kids and always feeling guilty. It means not having a whole man of your own, only somebody else’s leftovers.

Don’t be stupid. Just because he flirts and the kiss was exciting doesn’t mean that you should throw away all your self-respect and morals.

He’s willing to cheat on his wife. He’s willing to ruin your reputation. What kind of a man is he really? Not someone who you can respect or who deserves your love, time or attention. You deserve better. Don’t give yourself to someone who can give you back so little. You’ve got the hots for him and he’s going to take advantage of you. You're just going to be another notch on his gun.

You’re too young and inexperienced to understand how much pain you could cause and also get from an affair with a married man. Move on. You’ll find someone better.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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