Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

12/24/10

He Blows Up
One Night Stand
Call Off the Wedding



He Blows Up

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I was married for 17 years and now single for almost 9 years.

I've been "dating" this man for what will be 2 months this coming week. The first month was all good. He has a great sense of humor and we laughed a lot. He's attentive and loving. But this last month has been a struggle.

For the first time, at my xmas party, I saw him after drinking too much. He became almost belligerent and was irrational. He said things to me he had never said before and went home angry. Also, in the last 3 weeks, I have had money taken. No proof it's him........but my gut is not happy. And I am finding it very difficult to progress or even be around him knowing he could be the one who took the money. He sees how I am very upset and trying to deal but his concern seems to be why aren't I more loving towards him?

What do I do? I don't have proof and I did begin to care about him......but I don't know how to move forward or if I even should?

Please help. agonized

Dear Agonized,

Anybody can be nice when they're sober and everything is going great. As a matter of fact, in the beginning of a relationship, almost everyone is on their best behavior and you're in a sort of honeymoon phase. But it doesn't last, as you found out.

There's nothing worse than a nasty drunk, unless it's a belligerant one that steals, is irrational and might even get violent -- you don't know where he would go. He could be the thief. Listen to your inner voices and let your gut tell you that this man is a loser.

If you're finding it difficult to progress and be around him, then it's time to cut him out of your life.

Don't keep trying to make this relationship work. It's not worth the trouble and he's not going to be happy and neither will you. The big problem is that you don't trust him. You are suspicious of whether he's responsible for your missing money. If you and he got into a committed relationship, he'd probably have access to all your money, and that's not something you would want.

So instead of worrying about how to make yourself happy again in this relationship, figure it's only been a couple of months and a few bucks. He hasn't gotten violent. You didn't get hit. You still have your sanity and your checking account and you aren't stuck with a nasty drunk for life.

Be happy that you found out about him before he was any more deeply involved in your life. That's the whole point of dating.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



One Night Stand

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a young, attractive single woman who became depressed because of the man who I thought would have been my perfect man. A month ago I attended a friend's wedding out of town, during the wedding I got introduced to a man (very good looking, succesful and in his early 30s).

We spent few hours talking and by the end of the wedding we left together, along with his sister who was really friendly. After dropping her off we went to a club had few drinks, and he came back to my hotel room we spent the whole night and the morning having sex. He seemed really passionate and sensual; after that we talked about our personal lives and we shared things together, I felt really connected to him; as if I wanted more than a one night stand. We kept calling each other for a couple of weeks after returning back to my city, everything was great until he suddenly stopped picking up my calls and never replies to any of my text messages.

I am so confused and I don't know why he shut me out of his life all out of the blue. was he just pretending so I won't think he was up for the sex only?

Please help

Dear Depressed,

It's okay to have a one night stand and neither you nor he has to justify having it. You're young, single and had a good time. Just figure you and he met, had sex, and that's the end of it.

It doesn't have to be a lifetime together, or even weeks. Having a one night stand isn't necessarily the beginning of a relationship, it's simply an experience. And you and he seem to have had a good one. It was passionate, sensual and you connected on a deeper level than most one nighters. It was nice that he tried to follow up, but there obviously wasn't enough of a connection on his end to continue. So forgive him for not making more out of it, and forgive yourself for expecting what he obviously isn't going to give.

The most important thing about one night stands is to accept them for what they are, just a fling. They are not meant to be forever, especially the out-of-town ones. In this case, you were probably influenced by the romance of the wedding and secretly hoping that your one-nighter would lead to your own nuptials. It can happen, but it's rare.

Don't give up on one night stands, but do try to keep from getting carried away with your fantasies. For sure, don't start thinking you've met your "perfect man" based on one night and a few phone calls and text messages.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Call Off the Wedding

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am writing for some advice and an outside perspective on a situation that has arisen in my relationship. I am 28 years old and applying to medical schools after a hiatus of several years after college. I am currently engaged to my fiancée of four years, and we are planning to get married in May. My fiancée is 25 and has changed her mind about her career choice several times, and has recently decided that she wants to be a stay at home mom and start to have kids within three years. Unfortunately, while in college, she took out large student loans, and the payments are currently almost $1,000 per month, will rise to $1,400 per month by the end of next year, and will remain at that level for the next 15 years. Since she wants to stay home and take care of our kids, she reasons that I should be responsible for repaying all of her loans when we have children.

I feel that this is both personally irresponsible, and will not be in the best financial interests of our family. I will still be in school (and not have a job) when she wants me to take over her loan payments, and even when I graduate, her loan payments would amount to over a third of my income for the mandatory post-graduate residency (around $44,000 per year for 3-6 years). I want to have children with her and provide for her, but I think it would be better for both of us if we either wait, or if she gets a part-time job until my income is more stable. This has caused a huge fight between us because I feel her decision is irresponsible and irrational, and she feels that I am being selfish and do not want to provide for my family. I really do not know what to do.

Dear Future Doc,

Don't get married at this point. Let your fiance know that you are totally uncomfortable with her desire to not work, and that if she wants to be married she has to change her mind about it. In most modern marriages, both couples work.

This is especially true if one of them is studying to be a doctor. You need a mate who will support you financially as well as emotionally. She is being totally selfish and you deserve someone who is more nurturing and will be there for you. She has totally unrealistic expectations and you'd be a fool to let her play you like this.

The student loans are hers and she should be responsible for them. You will most likely have your own student loans to cover and if she's not willing to carry some of the burden, then she doesn't deserve you.

It sounds to me that she sees you as a meal ticket and has no idea what being a good partner in a marriage really means.

You aren't being selfish, she is.

Cancel this wedding, or at least put it off until you have a better understanding of what the future holds for you both. Fights over money are the cause of most divorces. Don't start life together with this kind of argument unresolved.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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