Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

5/13/2001

Lousy Kisser
Her Love or Her Kids
A Good Time to Break Up



Lousy Kisser

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 16 years old and have only had one serious boyfriend, whom i broke up with a while ago. Recently, i began to have feelings for a friend of mine...and a few days ago, we hung out and ended up kissing. He's the sweetest and funniest person in the world...he's the greatest guy! But the thing is...he's a horrible kisser!!! I've only had one boyfriend before him, so i guess i'm used to my ex, but this guy...doesn't move his lips, tongue, or anything...he opens his mouth and that's it!!! He's the most wonderful person...but the way he kisses bothers me terribly. I have no desire to kiss him...it's like kissing the wall..i get nothing in return.

I don't know what to do! I just can't kiss him this way! How can i help him to become a better kisser? Help!!!

Dear Getting Nothing in Return,

I can certainly sympathize with your problem. There's nothing worse than a bad kisser. If your guy was older, I'd say he's probably a lost cause and couldn't be trained to kiss any other way.

But since he's so young, I think you could teach him. There are several ways to teach your man how to kiss. The best way is by example. If he doesn't move his lips, you move yours. If he doesn't respond to your example, then you have to tell him exactly what you want him to do. Since he's such a great guy, he'll want to please you.

Here's how you go about this. Before telling him, say three nice things to him first, like, "You're such a great guy. I really love spending time with you. You're sweet and funny and I think you're terrific." Then, "There's just one little thing you could do that would really make me happy."

Of course he'll ask what, and you say, "I would really like it if you'd kiss me a little differently. What I want you to try is moving your lips. I want you to suck on my lips like this." Then show him. Then tell him, "I want you to touch my tongue with yours like this." Then show him.

So the routine is, first you tell him what you want and then you show him. Don't expect him to just "get it" without you explaining and showing him exactly what you want. Consider this good practice for other things in relationships and for life in general: if you want something, the best way to get it is to ask for it.

If after you explain and demonstrate, he refuses to kiss any differently, then you'll have to just keep him as a friend and find another guy to kiss.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Her Love or Her Kids

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 54yr old divorced male....who fell in love with a 52yr old seperated female. We had five months of daily contact, total love and outstanding joy. However, a month ago she decided to return to her home and reunite with her husband of 27yrs and her two children living at home ( a 19yr old daughter and a 16yr old son). She continues to tell me that she is deeply in love with me but has a committment to her "family". Her children have been against her seperating from her husband since the beginning and have done everything in their power to throw guilt and pain towards her. She is very much a good mother and now says that the real reason she returned home was that she didnt want to lose her children and didnt want them to hate her. She states she is no longer in love with her husband but will stay in the relationship to keep the children from hurting.

My question is this. Do you think she should make a decision with her heart that would bring her back to me, where she had nothing but affirmation and joy and total unconditional love (which she agrees is true). -- Or stay in the "family relationship" for the sake of her two adolescent children and the "family harmony" (which she feels committed to do)?

Lost in a world of confusion

Dear Lost,

You took a risk when you fell in love with a separated woman who hadn't yet made the decision to leave her husband and her children for good. The risk was that she would decide to go back to her husband and children. It's easy for you to say she should follow her heart and be with you, but there is no love stronger than a mother for her children.

If she only thought about her own happiness and not her children, she would be with you. But that's not the case. After 27 years of being a good wife and mother, she's not willing or able to leave her children and risk having them hate her or be hurt by her decision.

She has probably suffered and thought long and hard about whether she should pursue her own happiness and forget about being a good wife and mother and leave her family. I am sure she is wracked with unhappiness over this and may regret not being with you in the future. However, she has done what she felt she had to do.

If you really love her, don't make the situation any harder for her. Support her by being gracious and generous. Realize that you had a special time together, one that she and you will both cherish for the rest of your lives, but not one that was meant to last.

Neither you, me, nor anyone else can say what the right decision is for her to make. That is something only her heart and her conscience can dictate.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



A Good Time to Break Up

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My name is Peter, I'm German and 35 years old and married to my wife (she's 36) for 11 years. First I'd like to give you a "little" outline of my "love history".

When I was 22 I joined a band (doing vocals and guitars). I heard of them from papers since they/we are a quite popular local act but I didn't know any of the members personally before. At that time I was in the last months of my military service and just before beginning my studies in computer science.

In one of the first rehearsals a singer (also doing saxophone) joined. I thought: What a pretty and friendly girl. During the following weeks playing and rehearsing with the band I fell in love with her. But I was too shy to tell her. She was 19 those days (32 today).

Instead - while spending my last week in the army - I wrote her a long letter telling her my feelings. Since we only were good fellows at that time she was quite suprised about that. She told me that she likes me but she couldn't feel love for me.

To be mildly: I was devastated! I never had any experiences in love at all before so these kind of feelings were very new to me. (I think this is quite unusual being already 22!) We played together in that band for about four years almost every weekend on Saturdays and doing rehearsals every Friday. During that time I tried and tried to get nearer to her but she kept kindly telling me that her feelings will stay the same.

I felt that keeping on with insisting I might destroy our nice relationship. So I tried to "get rid" of these painful feelings by using my mind (not my feelings) in finding another woman to "replace" her. I contacted a marriage agency. I must have dated about 10 women. Either I said immediately "Sorry, you're not my kind" or they said immediately "Sorry, you're not my kind". But then I dated a woman where none of us said that. It just happened.

I helped her doing a move, she visited some of our gigs. We liked each other, simply spent more and more time together and discovered some common interests. Now I say: that was sympathy but no love. But at that time I could not detect that difference.

After (only) a year she asked me if we should marry (not ME, SHE! How romantic!). I simply let it happen. I was afraid of losing the first woman who was interested in me.

A year later I quit playing the band in order to have more time to finish my studies and.. because my wife wanted it that way. I still felt very strong for my bandmate. We have developped a real good friendship but from her side: no love. Two years later she got married as well.

Through the years it seems clear today I never stopped loving her while being married with a woman that I like but don't love. I found out that my wife is very moody and capricious. I find myself giving in all the times she's moodily and enjoying the good times. But today I don't feel comfortable with this situation anymore.

After not contacting my bandmate for four years (wrong: I called her every birthday!) my band reformed for a special "reunion" gig - which we still keep as a good tradition up to three or four times a year. My wife bears with it since she knows how I love to play music (she loves to sing classically and plays the piano quite well!) and since it doesn't consume that much time as it did earlier.

I'll never forget the moment when I met my bandmate again at the first rehearsal. She rushed into my arms and we stayed so for quite a few minutes. (Fortunately, we both arrived a bit earlier - coincidentally - so the other guys weren't there yet :-) Within a moment all the love I feel for her was so present as if we were never parted.

We kept contact a bit more regularly but only by phone or when rehearsing/playing with the band. (My wife's very jealous so...) Listening very carefully to her words I found out that she's not very happy with her marriage. We discoverd quite a lot similarities how her husband "suppresses" her like I feel my wife does to me: jealousy, only his/her will counts, very dominating character etc.

Of course we both changed through the years. She lost a lot of her former naiveness, I gained quite a lot self consciousness (which I hadn't much before) by having success in finding a real good job (which I owe my wife who insisted on that!). She was 26, I was 29 at that time. Because of all this I think/feel (it's both) that she likes me even a bit more than she did earlier. She often told me how she admires the way I am now and there were a few moments when she said on her own (i.e. without my "assists") that she likes me very much.

This "situation" then kept on for the next 5 years. We met with the band and talked by phone several times a year (that is, about 20 contacts a year). Sometimes we went out for dinner (after rehearsals, surreptitiously) and talked a lot about our feelings and problems. Then - all of a sudden - last December she announced that she wants to get divorced. (In Germany you live a year separated and then get divorced quite automatically.)

She found another man which she describes as a friend who supported her in finding the right decision. She is - I might say - "a bit" in love with him. She doesn't tell me but I think she sometimes shares her bed with him but she insists on living her own new life all on her own. She assures me that I am (and always will be) a very special person and a very good friend for her. When saying something nice to me she uses more "love" words than she did earlier but (up to now) she never said directly that she loves me.

My wife and I had quite a lot discussions (fights?) when she's moody. She always reproaches things that happened long ago during these discussions. I always try to calm her down but this only works if I am calm enough myself. If her mood gets better she "accepts" *my* apologies for starting the fight - but this tends to get better recently: she sometimes apologizes as well. She's clever enough to know that in most cases it's her moodiness that starts it all. But I became very sensitive as well over the years. Even only a little bad word from her makes me go in a defending position.

The occurence that my bandmate will do the hard step to get divorced tends more and more to encourage me to do the same. But my bandmate is (and always was) financially independent of her soon-to-be-ex-husband, but my wife is still studying and depends on my income. But the most important thing I'm afraid of is that her moodiness will bring her completely down if I tell her that I want to go separate ways.

Going separate ways would be the first step. But I'm well aware that maybe I could never take my second step: coming together with the woman I really love.

By now I'm very unsure of "if" and "how" I should tell her that I want a divorce. I'm very afraid of telling her. Simply: Should I or shouldn't I? And if you think I should how shall I put it to her? What is a "right" moment to tell my wife? When she's in a good mood or in a bad mood? Your hints on your internet page are very helpful but they don't answer this special situation.

Dear Unsure,

The truth to this situation is that you haven't really given your marriage a chance. You've been cheating in spirit if not in actuality for many years, throughout your entire marriage. Your poor wife never had a chance.

You say you just married her because you were afraid of losing the first woman who was interested in you. You never really loved her and don't now. I feel sorry for your wife. She deserves better. She has probably wondered why you haven't been as loving a husband as she hoped for.

It may have been easy to just "let it happen" when you married her, but there is no easy way out of a marriage. When's a good time to tell her you want a divorce? There is no good time. If she's not in a good mood when you tell her, she'll be in a bad mood immediately anyway. If she's already in a bad mood, it'll get worse. The news that you want a divorce will bring her completely down, moodiness or not.

If you are deeply unhappy in your marriage and sure your feelings won't ever change, you should get divorced and give your wife a chance to find happiness with someone else. But do not get divorced because you think you're finally going to get together with your former bandmate after she gets her divorce. She has already let you know that she's got a fella she likes and is having an intimate relationship with him. If she wanted to be with you, she would be.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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