Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

4/14/2002

Make Him Crawl
What's Sexy?
Selfish Men Make Bad Husbands



Make Him Crawl

Dear Dr. Tracy,

what are some ways to get a guy to chase you? i am always chasing my man b/c i love being around him. i go to him all the time. i want him to come to me and do what i do for him. give me some advice to get him on his knees and crawling to me.

Dear Chaser,

Your problem is that you don't understand basic male and female psychology. Men (and sometimes women too) are like puppy dogs. Chase them and they run away. Run away from them and they chase you. It's so simple.

So as long as you're constantly chasing your man, he'll never chase you. Why should he? He doesn't have to.

Just because you love being around him doesn't mean you shouldn't act in your own best interest. Think about long term, not short-term, gratification. Because you're always doing the chasing, you feel unappreciated, and your self-esteem goes into the toilet. Chasing him is not good for your self-esteem or for your relationship.

If you want him to come to you, you'll have to start denying yourself the instant gratification you get from being with him. What you're doing is like eating hot fudge Sundaes all the time because you love the way they taste, then complaining because you feel fat.

Men never get on their knees and crawl to a woman who's always there. If you want him to crawl, then stay away from him. Make him wonder where you are and what you're doing and who you're doing it with. There's nothing like fear of loss to get a man to crawl to you.

Men crawl after women who are a little mysterious, who make them wonder whether they're going to get any or not. As long as your man never has to wonder, he'll sit on his self-satisfied rump and let you chase him and do all the things you do for him. The best thing you could do is disappear for a while. Give him a chance to miss you and to worry about when (or if) he's going to see you. He'll soon be chasing you all over the place and crawling on his knees to get your attention.

You have to restore the balance of power in this relationship. Stay away. Let him think you're chasing someone else. Or even go out with someone else. Men chase hardest when there's some competition.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



What's Sexy?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My wife and I are 50 years of age and have been married 28 years with 2 children and 3 grandchildren. For the longest time we had a lush and sensuous love life involving some toys and non-piercing body jewelry but mostly lingerie. Our collection probably exceeded 30 outfits and we frequently would stand in front of mirrors because I loved to watch the motion and interplay. I have been addicted to pornography since pre-pubescence but only occassonally found a desire for it beyond my sex life.

Therein lies the problem. My wife always seemed to thoroughly enjoy our sex play but would occassionally say things like, "Does it always have to be such a production?" Of course I would say no. I'm not into coersion or force. Also, we only had sex 3-4 times a month though when told that she forceably said I was wrong (I not).

So, five years ago I began an experiment that has led me down a path that I do not like from many aspects. I decided that I would allow her to choose the mode but not necessarily the frequency of the sexual encounters. To date she has chosen lingerie only twice. Now, point two. It doesn't really matter because she has put on 35-40 pounds and nothing that we have fits her. Since I am so visually connected I find her nakedness off-putting and can only carry out a sex act if the lights are off and I don't caress anything but breasts and genitalia. I feel so shallow! I have returned to regular viewing of porn and I know that she considers this a form of cheating as does my religion. I do NOT view porn from a "wish I had her" mentality. I am captivated by the sight of sex! I love my wife and have never cheated on her and I feel offended when I am told that I am an adulterer. I managed to stay away from pornography for an entire year but found that squelching that activity made me irritable and uninterested in sex.

My wife says that she has entered her matronly body and I have to get used to it, and that I too am overweight by 10-15 pounds. What's my question? I don't know what to do, how to act or how to think. Good luck with this one because I'm completely at a loss.

Dear At A Loss,

After 28 years of marriage, your wife is entitled to choose the kind of sex she likes. And so are you. If you like looking at pornography and your wife doesn't object too strenuously, stop beating yourself up for it and enjoy your visual stimulation.

As for your relationship with your wife, it's time to realize that people age and they change. Their bodies change and so does their sexual appetite. If you really want to do the lingerie thing with your wife, then there's a very easy solution. Buy some bigger lingerie. You can shop for it together on the same Internet where you find your pornography.

Buying bigger lingerie will solve two problems. Your wife can fit into it and your lingerie desires will be satisfied, and the lingerie will cover those parts of her that you find less attractive than you used to. Another solution would be for you to realize that many men find heavy women attractive. These men adore the softness and the warmth that heavy women provide. Also, women who are overweight are often more sensual and in touch with their appetites of all kinds.

Practice forgiveness. Forgive yourself for looking at pornography. Forgive your wife for putting on weight. If you can't get aroused without looking at pornography and you really want to give it up, ask your doctor for a prescription for Viagra.

Remember, everyone ages. Don't let getting older and putting on a few pounds ruin your sex life. Consider yourself lucky that you and your wife are healthy and love each other.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Selfish Men Make Bad Husbands

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 34 year old woman married to a "young" 45 year old wealthy man. We got married 4 months ago, after dating for nearly ten years and living with him the last three. (I had decided to leave him after 9 years, even bought my own townhouse and a vehicle, but he showed up, and begged, swooned and made all kinds of promises, out of desperation to get me back.) He's never been physically abusive or an addict, so we went to counseling sessions for six months before we married and I thought I could believe the things he'd been promising, and learned to trust him again.

There were three promises I really needed him to keep:

  1. First, a baby. I told him I had already passed my personal age limit, but it was very important to me. He promised and even sounded quite excited about having a baby, but now that it comes down to it, he is backing out. "Not now" he says, even when I tell him I do not want to deliver past the age of 35!
  2. Second, devaluing me. He allowed me to quit working and pays me to help with his business, which he runs out of his home, so I can keep up my townhouse and pay for my vehicle and health insurance, etc. However, the promise here was that when there wasn't much to do he wouldn't rag me or make me feel like I'm not doing enough, and he does this regularly, no matter how many times I ask him if there is anything I can do. He has a personal trainer that keeps him out of our house three half-days a week, and this is okay.
  3. Third, time together. Our main issue before we married was that he seemed to have his life, and I had our life. He has changed a lot of his past behaviors, and I am quite glad about that, but even though we are home most of the time together, he never has time to do anything with me as a couple. He is always doing things for himself or having lunches with other people (rarely work related), and we have been out to dinner I think twice since we married. He promised that he would make an effort to see my family more as a couple, but he hasn't (my father died one month ago and he hadn't been with me to see him since our wedding), and even made me feel guilty and put on a "pouting show" when my sister and her family visited one evening.
I'm really starting to feel empty, because if I start to talk to him about these things, he starts going off about how he feels and compares us to "other people" and how "they" do things. (He's pretty good at comparing us to "other people", but won't say who those people are.) If I'm having a down day and say "nothing" if he asks what's wrong, he gets mad. No matter what I do, it isn't the right thing. I am starting to feel cheated and resentful. I love him, but walls are going up!

Thanks for any help or suggestions you might have.

Dear Empty Feeling,

Of course you feel empty. You're married to a man who's too selfish to be a good husband. After 9 years of being together, he only decided he couldn't live without you when you left him, and then he promised whatever he had to to get you back. He probably had no intention of keeping his promises.

Intentionally or not, he's broken all his promises -- and they were biggies. He's unwilling to have the baby he promised you on your time schedule, and there's no reason to believe he ever will. If he puts you off too long, your chances of conceiving will dwindle and you may not be able to have the children you want.

He devalues you regularly. Obviously he thinks you have no choice but to take his verbal abuse, which, by the way, can be just as destructive a physical abuse.

He also refuses to spend time with you, even though he has plenty of time for his personal trainer and his lunches with friends. Sharing experiences is one of the prime ways that married couples bond, and that's what you're missing. Also, he doesn't want to become a part of your family or even be civil to them when they visit.

All in all, your husband is a case study in selfishness. No wonder your walls are going up.

Before your walls get too big to take down, get back into therapy. Tell your husband that it's therapy or separation. If he refuses to go to therapy, tell him you will move back into your townhouse, get a job, and either contact a sperm bank or just proceed with divorce so you can find a man who will treat you right.

It's important to make a stand now, at the beginning of your marriage, before these patterns get cast in stone. You probably can't change his innate selfishness, and even therapy and the threat of divorce may not change his behaviours, but if you want your marriage to survive, you must try. Take immediate action. Don't let him continue to treat you this way for another day.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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