Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss


Friendship's Not Enough,
Sneaking Her Into Swinging,
She Wants to be Married or Dead

Friendship's Not Enough

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I dated this man for two and a half years. We both felt we needed some time away because I wanted a commitment and he didn't.

Now after four months we ran into each other at church and he has been in my life ever since. Not as boyfriend/girlfriend but as friends. It hurts me though to think this is all he wants after everything we've been through together.

He calls every day, takes me out to dinner, I even have gone with him to visit his sick grandmother in the hospital. We share everything except sex. He says there is no one else in his life. This has been going on now for about six months. I don't want him completely out of my life, but I definitely could live without him.

Dear Sexless,

You're letting him have everything he wants without giving you what you want: commitment and sex. After two and a half years, he should be ready and know whether he wants to get serious with you or not.

Stop playing total wife. Stop letting him have all the advantages of a committed girlfriend without reciprocating. If you want him in your life, let him know you want the whole thing or nothing. Plan a romantic seduction and if it doesn't work, tell him you're going to find someone else. As hard as it may be for you to cut him off, that's the only solution.

As long as you're talking to him every day, going out to dinner, and visiting his sick grandmother in the hospital, you will be emotionally tied to him and unable to really connect with someone new. He probably realizes that, either consciously or otherwise, so he knows he has you on his terms and doesn't have to worry about someone else taking you away. So he can have you without any commitment at all, either sexually or emotionally.

Let him know that won't work and that you will find a man who is available and willing to commit. Then go out and start dating. The worst that will happen is that you will fall in love with someone else. The best is that he'll realize he could lose you and come running with everything you want.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Sneaking Her Into Swinging

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I would like to try swinging but I dont know how to introduce it to my wife. Do you think that if I were to blindfold her and start having sex with her and then let another man start in or woman do you think that would be a wrong way of doing it? When i think of another guy or woman having sex with her, thats when I really get turned on.

Dear Wanna-Be Swinger,

You've got it all wrong. Swinging is something couples do because they both want to do it, not because one wants to do it and coerces the other one into it. That's sure to lead to bad feelings and resentment.

Don't sneak swinging in on your wife, blindfolded or otherwise. Getting involved in swinging requires a lot of marital trust and total agreement. If she doesn't want to go along with your swinging aspirations, you should keep swinging in your fantasies and forget about arranging a threesome of any kind.

Usually swingers find another compatible couple, either privately or through a swing club. Finding a compatible couple is tricky because you need four people who are attracted and have the same desires which is more than twice as difficult as two people. Stop worrying so much about your own fantasies and try finding out what your wife's desires really are. Springing a surprise swinging encounter on her is about the worst idea I've ever heard.

One warning before you pursue this swinging idea, even with her agreement: male swingers are pretty impressive lovers, and once your wife gets started, she may want to try every guy at the party and play into the night. More than one husband has wound up losing his wife to the arms of a fascinating and experienced swinger.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

She Wants to be Married or Dead

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm a Caucasian female (47 in terrific shape) dating a Chinese guy age 35. We met at the gym and were friends the first year. Then starting dating for 1 1/2 yrs. A month ago he told me I was getting TOO attached to him. I said I didn't believe he'd be the kind of person to see a woman this long and not get serious since he values "honesty" so much.

He said he wasn't going down my path (of getting married) but that he'd always be my friend and always be there for me. I was so sick about it I lost weight, couldn't sleep. I'm finally getting better but just recently he called and we went out and I stayed overnight and had sex...like nothing had changed in the relationship. He knows that sex is the attachment for me. He even promised to introduce me to eligible guys but hasn't yet. What should I do? I want to be married within a year or be dead.

Dear Married or Dead,

If you really want to be married within a year, find a guy who wants to be married too. If your guy doesn't have marriage on his mind, you may be dead before he changes his mind.

I hope you will be alive and married in 12 months. But if you want to accomplish that goal, tell your guy with the different path that you're going to find someone who's interested in settling down on your own. Don't wait around for him to introduce you to someone eligible or you'll be waiting a long time. Why would he do that? That's not in his best interest, is it?

Join a dating club, scour the Net for guys in your area who fit your requirements, and don't spend another day waiting for Mr. Wrong Path to turn into Mr. Walk Down the Aisle. If having sex with him makes you feel you must have him and only him, then break the attachment and stop sleeping with him. You can't effectively date and attract other men if you're still emotionally in his clutches.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page

© copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot