5/4/97 Advice Column
This behaviour makes me extremely uncomfortable and he initiates these threesome situations more than half the time we have sex. Fantasies are one thing, but he's actually acted this one out and can't seem to forget it. I do not want to be a replacement body for what he did with his ex-wife (and he doesn't think there was anything wrong with what they did, this makes me even more nervous).
Feeling like a Third Wheel...
As for anything being wrong with what he did, sex is okay in just about any form as long as it's between consenting adults. I hate to tell you, but what's "right" and what's "wrong" aren't going to help you here. It sounds to me like you're out of sync with your fiance not only in your sexual preferences but also in your moral values. In fact, I'm surprised that you got engaged.
You didn't say if you want different sexual acts than the ones he likes, but if you do, tell him exactly what you want. You deserve to indulge your own fantasies as well as his. There's just a chance, if he finds your fantasies sufficiently exciting, that he'll prefer them to his old threesome favorite.
But he probably isn't going to change a lot, so you face a tough choice. Only you know if you're getting enough pleasure to make up for being uncomfortable with his fantasy and disapproving of his past. Don't marry a man unless you are willing to be with him if he never changes. Fully accepting a man means accepting his past and present. If you intend to marry this guy, get used to it. Fantasies die very slowly, and sometimes live forever.
Wishing you love,
One short but troubling question:
Do you believe that nice guys finish last in terms of finding women?
Thank you very much for your time,
Curious & concerned
It's human nature -- in order to have the "in love" feeling, there has to be some uncertainty, some wonder, "Does he love me? Does he love me enough? Will he be mine?" Sometimes if a guy is so nice that the wonder is missing.
It's worse than just not getting the girl. If a guy just gives and gives without getting anything back (and nice guys tend to do that), he gets taken advantage of by everyone. A guy who's so nice he can't stop doing things, helping, and giving is setting himself up.
However, nice guys with self respect, who know where to draw the line, do get women. It sounds like you need to read "Why People Love" in my Library.
So, no, if you really love someone, you don't break up because of her family. That doesn't mean you have to live like them, it just means they're part of the package. Everyone has good and bad things about them, their families or their past. To get the good, you have to be willing to accept the bad.
The obvious question is, how bad is bad? If her family was "unacceptable" to you because they were axe murderers with body parts stashed in their freezer, then you made the right choice. If you disapproved of them because they were nudists, then it may have cost you much happiness to keep your clothes on for Thanksgiving dinner.
Good luck on your quest for a woman with the right family.
Wishing you love,
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