If women waited for you men to get around to it, there would be very few marriages. Yours are the usual things guys say about the "M" word, but don't forget, guys can wait forever. Women have a biological clock ticking. And if it weren't for women's clocks, maybe we wouldn't think marriage is such a big deal either.
Marriage, for your information, goes a crucial step beyond "interaction and love," as you put it. Marriage incorporates those things, but it also means you stand up in front of friends and family to accept your responsibilities as a partner, as a father, and as a member of society. That's how we form families. That's what people do, in some form or another, all over the world. Marriage is not just some "cultural norm," it's the reality of our species. Get used to it. Every woman is eventually going to want to get married, so you're only kidding yourself if you get rid of one and find another one to escape from a marriage demand.
Besides, every survey shows that married men are the happiest members of society in general, happier than single men, single women or married women. So stop fighting it. Go with the flow. Succumb and be happy, you will eventually anyway.
And by the way, lots of guys like to have their balls squeezed, especially if it's done with love.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years, and since we've been married before and have one child each, this slow going had suited me fine until recently. I brought up the subject of our future and we'd had some discussions, but I was getting a little impatient. Finally this weekend, at our 3yr. dating anniversary, I asked him what he thought our future looked like and he said, well, we could get engaged and get married at about this time next year. He didn't seem joyful, and I asked him if this is what he wants, and he said he wants to be married to me for eternity, and that if we waited for him we might be dating for 3 more years! I was feeling a little worried that perhaps I'd pressured him and maybe a little is needed as you indicated in your column. Now I feel better!
Thanks for your words of advice.
Too many women have been watching Hollywood movies for too long where the man chases the woman begging her to marry him. It usually doesn't happen that way, and if it does, a woman should be suspicious. Why is he so anxious, she should wonder, and why is she resisting?
The truth is that women do the choosing. In almost every species, it's the female who gives the signal that says, "Hey you, come over here, I'm ready." Then she lets the man catch her.
It's a known fact that men like the status quo. They hate change. They like their old robes, their old shoes, and their old single states.
You waited three years and then decided you were ready, and you went after what you wanted and you got it. You're a good example of "The Steps to Commitment" in my Library. Good for you -- and lucky him.
Three months ago my best friend got married. Another good friend is engaged, and another has recently bought a house with his girlfriend. I was beginning to think I should get married too. As I said, my girlfriend really wants to. But at my best friend's wedding I met this other girl. I felt a special "click" with her. I felt that she had what I find lacking in my girlfriend.
I feel a great affection for my girlfriend, but find myself avoiding sex, and comparing her to the other girl constantly. I've decided I don't want to marry my girlfriend, and resent her constant pressure. I'd leave her for the other girl, but the other girl lives in another country.
What can I do? I'm young, and don't want to end up in a marriage that I don't want. At the same time, I feel guilty. My girlfriend is so good to me, and I know how much it would hurt her if I left. I'm also scared of ending up alone.
So if you resent her pressuring you that much, move out. Then she'll find someone else and probably marry the next guy she meets and you'll be alone, or with ms. wonderful from the last wedding, or with someone else. But there's nothing you can do to turn off her natural desire to get married and have kids.
Living together makes it even worse. And having friends buying houses together and getting married means she's constantly bombarded with the fact that you won't. And now you don't want to have sex either.
You're relatively young, and maybe the woman you're living is really not the right one for you. But don't make the mistake of comparing a fantasy of some girl you don't know with the reality of another. If you can't live without your fantasy, then be brave and give up the woman you've been living with. You really can't have both -- a five year relationship and an unknown exciting new fantasy. They're two different animals.
The honest thing to do would be to stop tormenting yourself and your girlfriend. Either decide to break up, or see a therapist together to try to work through this problem.
Five years is long enough to know if you want to get married or not. I don't blame her for demanding that you make up your mind.
Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"
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