Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

5/4/2003

Ready For Sex
Girlfriend Lies About Him
Sleeping With Strangers



Ready For Sex

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm 19 and currently single. I've only had one serious relationship, and that was a few years ago. I'm still a virgin, but I feel that I'm ready to have sex.

A pretty close friend of mine and I have discussed sex, and he's told me that he would like to have sex with me, and I feel the same way about him. We both don't want anything more than sex with eachother, we're good friends, and I think we both just want to keep it at that.

I want to have sex with him, and I dont believe as of now that I will regret it at all.. but I'm not sure if I will later in life.

Could you help me out at all?

Dear Virgin,

Being a virgin at 19 must feel like youíre the last virgin in the world, but youíre not. Believe me, there are other virgins your age out there, and not everybody is having sex. Nevertheless, I can understand you feeling that you're ready to have sex. Personally, I think that staying a virgin until marriage is kind of a waste unless youíre committed to doing so for religious reasons.

However, giving up your virginity just to have it over with is a different kind of waste. Your first sexual experience is one of life's milestones. When you look back on it later, you'll want to be able to smile with fond remembrance. So I suggest you choose someone you really care for and have loving feelings for. Even if you donít wind up spending the rest of your life with that person, a little love and romance will make your first time far more memorable.

Being good friends is fine, and thereís nothing wrong with having sex with a buddy. But not the first time. The first time you have sex will be more wonderful, more thrilling, more memorable and more exciting if you do it with someone you are in love with.

Youíve waited this long, so you might as well wait a little while longer until you are absolutely, positively sure your first sex will be a peak life experience and not just something you do because youíre tired of being a virgin.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Girlfriend Lies About Him

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been seeing this girl for three years. We have been living together for a year. We have the perfect relationship, we go everywhere and I do enjoy this. My problem is that she lies to her family about who she is seeing. She can never tell them about me due to the fact her family does not care for me. Also she emails and tells her friends guys she is "seeing" guys that she is not. For instance she will say, "I like so and so, and then says how she is going to spend the summer with him." It really hurts to know this. I have confronted her about this. Her response was that she does this because she can not say she is seeing me because her friends and family will be mad.

Also she got really drunk one night and slept with a friend of mine. She admitted to this and said she wished she never had. I did forgive her, but now after all this what should I do?

One other thing, I have told her maybe we should just be friends. At one point she said this was what she wanted, so I moved to the other room. After two days she could not handle it anymore. So now we are back together. Was this stupid? I would like to know what I should do.

Thanks, Worried One

Dear Worried One,

You have a right to be worried. Your girlfriend has demonstrated over and over that you are less important to her than her friends and family. She cares more about their opinions than your feelings. She has shown herself to be selfish and uncaring.

If she really cared about you, sheíd stop lying to all of them about you. Sheíd realize how much it hurts you when she lies and says sheís seeing other guys and not you.

Not only that, but sheís also gotten drunk and slept with a friend of yours! Being drunk is no excuse for that kind of behavior. Okay, she said she was sorry and you forgave her, but you didnít feel the same way about her after that. You said maybe you should just be friends.

Moving to another room was a step forward for you. You showed her that she couldnít just walk all over you and treat you like dirt with no repercussions. Unfortunately, you caved as soon as she said she wanted you back Ė after just two days. You caved and didnít negotiate. That was the time to say to her, ďOkay, Iíll come back and we can be a couple again, but only if you agree to stop lying to your friends and family about us.Ē

Being a real couple means that you present yourselves as a couple to your friends and families, not hide each other. It means you are proud of who you are with. It means you care about each other so much that you wouldnít hurt your partner with lies.

You and your girlfriend are just a pretend couple in her eyes. This relationship will never last if you donít change the way you deal with her. Stop letting her get away with treating you badly. Tell her she either tells her friends and family the truth or you want to break up. Donít take no for an answer. Donít let her put it off.

If you want this relationship to ever be any good at all, you have to stop being such a doormat. Youíll feel better about yourself and about her if you donít feel like a second class citizen in this relationship.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Sleeping With Strangers

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 yrs. we have twins together (2 1/2). My Boyfriend wants me to go out and sleep with another man then come back home to him so I can tell him all of the details of my adventure while he has sex with me. If I wont do that then he wants me to bring home an unsuspecting male to have Sex with while he hides and watches.. What is this leading to? Has he cheated on me and he thinks this will make up for that. Is he unsure of his sexuality or could this just be a fetish. I should include that he is somewhat mentally & verbally abusive to me. He tells me that if I won't do this for him it makes him think I don't care for him or love him enough. This has been a battle for 3 yrs now...

Please help. I dont want to cheat but i don't want to stay in a dangerous relationship either.

Dear Abused,

You are being abused. Your husband is trying to show his power over you by forcing you to have sex with strange men. This has nothing to do with his fetish or whether he has cheated on you or not. It is all about power and domination.

He wants to show that he can get you to do anything he wants you to do. That is definitely a form of mental abuse. You say he is also verbally abusive. The next step, as you probably suspect, is physical abuse.

Itís possible that he is unsure of his sexuality and has latent homosexual tendencies and really wants to make love to these other men by proxy Ė by watching you make love to them. More likely, though, is that he has control issues and wants to have you totally in his power.

If you have been battling him over this for three years and he is still making unreasonable demands that you have sex with strangers, itís time to put a stop to it.

If you suspect that he is dangerous to you and your children, get help. Living in an abusive home is not good for you or your children. Begin to plan your escape. Call social services and ask about places to live and other help available to get out of this relationship.

Donít sleep around because he says you need to do that to prove you love him. Thatís the biggest crock Iíve ever heard -- and I hear a lot.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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