"Ask Dr. Tracy"

7/18/99 Advice Column

Too Cool to Choose
Settling for a Bi Guy
Three's A Crowd

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I used to be this very "geeky" kid for a while and one day a very good friend of mine basically took me and gave me a complete change of style, wardrobe, and everything else you could think of (don't be mistaken i like the change) for the nice price of $500 (i spent it all on everything that was needed). He also got me taking creatine and weight lifting so after two weeks i was slightly ripped. Then i came back to school spring break with my new look.

I still didn't have a clue regarding relationships so i decided to research. After reading a few very good books i recognized some girls i regarded as increbibly hot were actually flirting with me all the time! Of course i thought of which ones i really really liked and came down to 2 that fit what i want. I went through your article on how to choose a mate and still can't choose mainly because i accept all sort of things as long as the girl looks normal or better, has intelligence, is intresting, and is always honest (like me). I can't even force myself to choose. For example i deecided to do a coin toss. It went from one toss to best out of 3 then 11 then 21 then 100 (at which point i lost track). then another point i decided whoever i saw first that day i would choose but the second that happened i thought of the other person and couldn't stay with the children. I must've tried everything except medication! Come on doc i know you have somthing in the medicine cabinet waiting for me.

SmoothB--My newest nick name

Dear Mr. Too Smooth,

As I've said many times, what's on the outside of a person is really very unimportant compared to what's on the inside. So just because you've managed to change the way you look doesn't mean that you have changed your inside. And just because a woman is "acceptable" doesn't mean she's right for you.

You aren't really serious about tossing a coin to choose a mate, are you? I hope not. There are a lot better ways to choose. Unfortunately, you haven't thought about many qualities that really matter in a woman or about what you need. Kindness, consideration, sensitivity, affection. Where are they in your equation?

Frankly, you're not ready to choose. You need experience dating and looking inside a woman to find out what she's really about, instead of being satisfied because a girl looks normal, is intelligent or interesting. Even honesty isn't enough.

So even though you've gone from geek to good looking and there are cute girls showing an interest in you, slow down. Get to know a few girls before you decide on a special one. Don't rush to choose before you're ready.

Wait until you're absolutely sure -- and then you won't have to worry about choosing, you'll know.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've had quite the interesting twists in my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been dating (cumulatively) for almost 11 months. There was a time during the past year that we were broken up for 5 months.

During those five months, we were tormented by each other because my boyfriend (who is bisexual) fell madly in love with a mutual friend of ours. They, for a short time had a fling, which devastated me, not to mention all of the drama that was included in that soap opera-like time in my life.

I still loved him through all of this, and when I finally got over him, he began to court me again. He changed a LOT, because his bisexuality wasn't the only reason for my misery. He had treated me like CRAP while we were together (which I didn't realize until after the break-up.) Well, We've been together for almost 5 months since that break, and with the changes on both our parts, we've been communicating with ease and are happily in love. Only-there is a kink...

I haven't felt "attractive" to him since the time he told me he was bisexual and was more attracted to men than women. He's living a chaste life from a homosexual lifestyle, but it still affects us. He recently admitted that he COULD be more attracted to me, but isn't. and what's worse is that he told me that he doesn't feel as strongly or as passionately for me as he had felt (but no longer feels) for his first male partner! (our mutual friend.) We truly do love each other, but this lack of attraction and passion concerns the both of us, and we've temporarily put our relationship on hold. Sometimes I question the how much I'm "in love" with him. We're both very committed and have talked about life-long commitment for awhile now.

Is this a problem? Should couples always be madly and passionately in love with one another unto and throughout marriage? I've read through your entire library, and it seems that we do have true love. This doesn't bother him as much as it does me because Love is what counts for him. I'm just unsure whether I'm just settling.

which-btw, let me ensure you, he is quite resolved with his decision to be in a strictly heterosexual relationship for life. even if we weren't dating, he's comfortable with himself enough to choose this.

Help! Seeking True love

Dear Seeking,

The real problem here isn't that your guy is bi. The problem is that he's not turned on by you. He's not even attracted to you, let alone passionate.

Never make a lifetime commitment to a man who doesn't think you're really hot. Put your relationship on hold until you can find the passion you both deserve.

Being married isn't child's play. There are lots of problems that come up as you go through the years together and having passion for each other to begin with helps smooth the way.

Although many couples aren't madly and passionately in love with one another throughout their marriages, they start out passionate and they can remember the passion they once had. It sounds like you and Rick have never been passionate enough as a couple to make a longterm commitment.

If you stay with a man who isn't passionate about you, you are doomed to feel unattractive. Your self-esteem will suffer and you won't be happy.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have had a bumpy marriage from the start but was usually workable until a few years ago. We have always had friends share in our adventures and I have learned to deal with jealousy over the past 25 years. My main problem is unique because it involve my husband's Best friend of 15 years (which is a female) There are many factors that play into the big picture but I have to keep focused on what I need today. I have asked my husband to give me one day a week (It took him a day to give me an answer- Friday) which he agreed to But I still can't understand Why he has to email her every night(late) when he talks to her everyday ... she pages him everyday for help ... and he has told her that he will be there for her no matter what. She is in a wheelchair and has other family problems So I look like a real BAD person for asking for time for a relationship that would be 2 of us not a threesome.

He can never understand when I explain that I see thing progessing into a relationship with her and US going apart. I finally blew a fuse and got out of the car and said I need to be alone to think and he gave me an ultimatum "If I you walk away I am not coming back" I went home and wrote him a 3 page letter - he came home after he went to the show with her and said he didn't expect me to be there and he said he was at my disposal he would listen and we talked til 3:30 AM ... But He can not seem to help himself when he gives me hope he shoots me down at the next turn. I will have to have surgery in a few weeks and he said he would take the day off and of course he will have to take his BestFriend's son to class that evening which will take 5 hours away from me when I need him. Am I being selfish? I have given him my life for 25 years I gave up many things along the way (kids) and I feel that 24 hours isn't a lot to ask - if I am wrong then I am wrong about everything. I need help and he will not do counseling. When I recooperate I will look into it for myself. But right now I don't know if I should tell him if he can't be there for me then don't bother coming during the day while I'm a sleep - I want to have someone to count on. There is so much more to the situation But I need an answer SOON.

Signed: US (means 3)

Dear Us Means Three,

There are several problems with this situation. One is that you've agreed to have friends share in your adventures and that jealousy won't be a problem. Perhaps that's worked during the times you and you husband were adventuring, but it just doesn't work for daily life.

You should have a husband you can count on, but by putting up with the threesome for so many years, it's as if you've given your permission for the situation to continue. Now it's going to be even harder to change the rules.

You have the whole arrangement backward. You shouldn't be begging for one day a week. The "friend" should get one day a week (and that would be a lot to give her in any marriage) and you should get the other six. After all, you're the wife and he's your husband. You owe your first allegiance to each other. Sure, he can always make a case for her "needing" him, but you need him too, and you certainly aren't a "bad" person for asking for what you deserve.

Don't cut off your nose to spite your face by telling him not to visit you at all if he has to take 5 hours away from you. Take what you can get until you recover from your operation. Then, when you're feeling strong, get into counseling to help you get the strength to insist on your rights. It's too bad he will not do counseling with you -- that indicates a sadly low interest in keeping your marriage going.

You deserve a fulltime husband. You must talk to your husband's best friend and your husband and try to get your marriage back. Talking may not do it, but it's a start. If you don't fight for what you want, things will certainly continue in this 25-year-old routine.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within 48 hours by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here.

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page

© copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot