7/25/99 Advice Column
Thanks for you time.
Well, that's not good for you or for the relationship. Because you don't want to hurt his feelings, you allow him to continue to drop you off and leave. He thinks it's perfectly okay to drop you off and leave because you never say it 's not. And he thinks you're the kind of woman who doesn't care if she gets dropped off. And perhaps he begins to think you don't care how he treats you.
The worst thing you can do in the beginning of a relationship is act as if you don't care about something when you really do. It's so much harder later to say that it really matters if you didn't say so the first time. Now, if you tell him it bothers you, he's going to think you're suddenly getting crabby with him. So you've gotten yourself into a no-win situation.
If you tell him, he's going to wonder what else is bothering you that you haven't mentioned yet. If you don't, you're going to continue to feel as if he doesn't care about you as much as you'd like him to.
The next time he drops you off, be sure to say three nice things to him first, and then tell him that you'd really like him to walk you to the door, or at least wait until you're safely inside before he drives away. Explain that you know you should have told him sooner.
Maybe he's been waiting to be invited in, and at this point, he may interpret your request as a further invitation. See the problems you get into when you don't speak up the first time something happens you don't like?
In any case, you must tell him, even if it means being uncomfortable and taking a risk with the relationship. And remember this lesson for the future.
We think moving in together is a good idea because:
1) We love one another dearly and it just makes sense.
2) My parents are not paying for the wedding so this helps us to combine our income and pay for it ourselves instead of maintaining two separate households.
3) I have several overdue bills (including fixing my car ) and would like to pay them off as soon as possible and this financial arrangement allows me to do so.
My problem is that we are very enthusiastic about the idea however my parents are completely opposed. They have helped me through school but do not have any other solutions to my present problems. They liked my fiance before but now they are starting to put him down since they discovered that we will be moving in with one another. They have told me that if he loved me he would pay rent at TWO apartments and buy a second automobile so that I could travel to work. At our new apartment I have agreed to pay cable and electricity because I do want to feel as though I am contributing somehow. My mother has told me that if he loved me I wouldn't have to pay anything. In addition, they have told me that if I move in with him he'll either put off the wedding or never marry me. He has been wonderful to my parents - sending cards and gifts etc. on all of the appropriate ocassions and has been very respectful All of this negativity is really upsetting me. What should I do to keep the peace?
Please sign me... Suffering from Parental Drama
One solution to help keep the peace is to stop telling your parents every single detail of your life, like who pays for what and who does what and when. After all, you're an adult who is engaged to be married to someone you've dated for three years. You're thinking about your finances and paying your bills. You have a job starting soon. I'd say you're on solid ground.
Of course your parents have their own fantasy of how everything should be done. However, they are operating from values that made sense in their youth, when one income was enough for a couple. But today's world requires two incomes in order for most young couples to make it, so there's nothing wrong with moving in and sharing expenses.
Stop listening to your mother about who should pay for what. She's coming from a different era - when the man paid for everything. And it's totally unrealistic of her to suggest that your fiance pay for two apartments and two cars. It's also not true that if you move in he'll put off the wedding or never marry you. Living together before you're married doesn't doom your future plans. Many women (including me) have lived with their future husbands before they married. My parents didn't like it either, but they got over it, as will yours.
Don't let other people's negativity infiltrate your thoughts. Stay positive and loving. Tell your parents you love them and appreciate their feelings, however, you are going to be living with your fiance. There comes a time in everyone's life when they have to make their own life decisions -- which may not agree with what their parents would have them do.
Honestly, I feel really bad about breaking up with her. This is the first time I have ever broken someone's heart (I'm 26, she is 32). But I couldn't get the nerve to admit that she has effectively castrated me with that question and with the comments about her old husband's size, I was not impressed. It hasn't been but a few hours since I broke up with her and I feel incredibly depressed (not normal). I doubt that I could ever have sex with her again because of all the pressure she has put on me about it. Women often fail to realize that men have a LOT of anxiety about sex. We are the star of the show and can't just do it when we don't feel like it.
I assume that my potency will return, but I really fear that I am going to end up being one of those guys that is all hard and ready for action until the final moment and then goes limp. I have NEVER had this problem before... This is definitely scaring me. I am already dreading the next sexual encounter that I will have.
Was I right for breaking up with her? I just really got paranoid that she would end up mentally castrating me because I am not really interested in having sex every day of the week. On top of that, she has children (4 and 7 years old). The kids weren't that big of a deal, but considering I grew up w/o a father (he was brain dead from when I was 10 to 21 b/c of a car accident), I question my abilities to act as a father. Seeing her cry about it REALLY messed me up. And I am fighting the urge to give it another shot with all of my might.
You say you haven't had sex in years. And she wants to have sex every night. I assure you she will never be happy with no sex, and you won't be happy with her demands. This was no dream relationship. So let this one go. After all, you've only known her for a week. Hardly time to cause so much heartache. You were right when you broke up with her. Don't have breakup remorse. Or guilt.
Find a woman whose sex drive matches yours, not one who wants to gobble you up. Then you won't feel so intimidated or castrated. And don't worry, when the pressure's off, your potency will return.
If a woman makes you feel this bad after just one week, then you should break up, no matter who she is. Don't stay around and see what she can do to you in a month or a year.
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