"Ask Dr. Tracy"

4/23/2000 Advice Column


Dragged to Bed
He Wears Heels
A Flirting Friend




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm a 25 year old male, I'm intelligent and happy with my life and have no problems meeting people, making new friends and going out first on dates. My problem is, I don't know how to progress from there. I never even know if I and when I should kiss the woman in question, much less anything more; I tend to panic and worry that I'm being too forward. I have had a couple of wonderful relationships, but in both cases the woman basically hit me over the head and dragged me to bed, and while I love strong women like that, ones who are willing to do that seem in short demand and it's really unfair to them to expect them to do all the work.

There is a lot of advice out there on meeting women, going on a date, and dealing with in place relationships, but I've seen none on how to progress after the first date. I'm not asking for a cookbook approach, but just some advice on how I can better be more assertive without the same time being harrassing, how I can take more initive while still being not being overpowering! I know for a fact quite a number of women got frustrated and gave up on me...

Dear Worried,

You are going to worry yourself right out of the running if you don't take a chance. Your problem is that you are afraid of rejection, so you don't do anything. Waiting around for a woman to drag you to bed could be a long wait, and although you may find a woman or two who will do that, it might not be the woman you truly want.

In spite of women's lib and all the other strides women have made in the last years, most women still expect the man to make the moves sexually. And if he doesn't, most women will feel that he isn't really attracted. Others will feel bad about themselves, and a woman who feels bad about herself because you don't make the right moves will move on.

Most strong women want a strong man, not a weak one. So if you're attracted to strong women, you'll have to get yourself together and take a chance on making the moves. When you go out with a woman, you should become as sexually aggressive as she will allow - no more, but certainly no less. That means you should make progressive moves.

You start by little signs of affection that could be simple courtesy - helping her up the stairs, taking her arm to lead her this way or that. Then you progress to holding hands. If she doesn't pull away, then you make the next move - putting your arm around her. If she doesn't move away or tell you to take your hands off her, you move closer.

You keep making moves until she tells you to stop.

I once had a client who was 61 and never had a close relationship. He was like you, afraid to make the moves because he was afraid of being rejected or of seeming too forward or harassing. I told him to make moves until a woman told him to take his filthy hands off her.

That never happened. Within 6 months he was seriously dating two women and within a year, he was married.

Don't wait until you're 61 to take a chance.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm a 40 year old female and I am very much in love with a man 10 years my jr. we have been seeing each other for about one year and we feel that we are very compatiable and talk about our future together which is postive.

We both have a high sex drive and verbable cummunacate very well about our needs, likes and dislikes sexually as well as our fantises sexually.

We both are very stable and reasponible people of society. He is a staff sgt. in the marine corp. Has been married before and has a wonderful realation with his only daughter and a great realation ship with his mother. Neither one of us smokes , drinks, or uses drugs, we are very happy in our skins. However, I do have a question that I need some feedback from.

I'm a pretty rational person who can pretty much understands the human physic. Because I know myself I'm a little kinky when it comes to sex at times.

Here is my situation, I won't say problem , because I don't know yet if it is a problem. My marine is leaving for deployment for six months and I have helped him pack, and by sheer accident I found a folder with pictures he as printed off the computer, The folder contained many pictures of sexual nature. mostley of she-he or should I say very beautiful women either in sexey loungrie or naked with a penius also two pictures of men having anal sex and two pictures of what looks like teenage boys with their penius out of their jeans, the other pictures were of women with big breasts, ollder naked women , young asian girls with the privates are showing, black women in gings, and cute cartoons of blonde naked women, By the way I have big breast and I am a blonda with blue eyes.

Also my marine found out that I like to look at beautiful women in pidtures with pretty under clothes. and that I want ot go to a strip club and have him watch me tip the dancers. That's when one day he ask me to take him shopping to pick him out some pretty things , such as padded bra, heels, hose edt... He even told me in a passiont moment that he wanted me to let him make love to me in this attire and he would love for me to penatrate him in the anal area and call him his bitch.

As I stated we both are kinky at times and have a great sex life we are very good for each other. I truley love this man and can't fathom living the rest of my life without him. Could you please give me some much needed feedback. By the way the good news is he and I can talk about anything and everything.

Dear Kinky,

There's sort of a tit for tat going on here. He gives you your secret desires, so he wants you to give him his. By being open to some kinkiness, and by telling him about your slightly kinky desires, you've encouraged him to tell you about his deepest secret desires.

Now he wants to go further than you thought of in the beginning, and you're worried. You've looked in his folder and seen his most secret desires without being shocked, so he feels it's okay to ask you for help living out the rest of his kinky secrets.

It's strictly your choice. Just because he told you he'd like you to take him shopping for women's clothes and have sex with him dressed in women's clothing, doesn't mean you have to do it. Don't do anything that you don't want to do. Every kinky sex act requires two consenting adults. Adults who participate in kinky sex need rules, such as "when I say 'No more' we stop." Or, "I'll try it once, but if I don't like it, I don't want to be pressured to do it again."

I have always believed that whatever two adults mutually decide gives them pleasure in the privacy of their own bedroom is just fine. Just be aware, however, that his desire to have you call him bitch could be just the tip of the iceberg, and he could very well have a desire for further domination, submission and humiliation fantasies.

In sex surveys I've taken, I've been amazed at the number of women who live happily with cross-dressing husbands, participating in wildly kinky and creative scenarios. Only you can say how far you're willing to go.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have a problem that might be serious. My husband and I have been married for two years and we have a daughter together. Last March my best friend was flirting with my husband during our Easter get together at my Mother's house. She and I have only been friends for three years, but she and my husband have been aquaintances for eight years. They grew up together but were never really close. I confronted her about the situation and we didn't speak for a few months. She has always denied it, saying that she was just playing around and we took it the wrong way. When we became friends again she told me that she would not act like that towards him again if it made me feel uncomfortable, claiming she didn't want to hurt me because I was her best friend. But now almost a year later she has done it again.

The three of us went to a surprise birthday party and then we left there to go to a bar, when we got to the bar it was like I didn't even exist. My husband asked her to dance with him to a slow song that came on, he could have asked me considering it was only the three of us there and he is my husband. After they were done dancing they came back to the table and acted like I wasn't even there. They carried on good conversation until I couldn't take it anymore. I had already decided I wasn't going to drink anything else considering how mad I was, I knew it would just make things worse. When we left I took her home without saying a word, and when we got home, I exploded. My feelings were so hurt by that time I couldn't contain myself. I didn't start an argument, but I let him know how much he and her had upset me. He said he didn't realize anything was wrong with the situation until I pointed it out to him. That really upset me, that he didn't realize that he ignored me all night. I avoided my friend the rest of the weekend because I didn't know what to say. Did she intentionally try to upset me or did she honestly not realize it either. When I went to work my co-worker/friend who's birthday it was, told me she thought that my friend was flirting with my husband at the party. Now I'm really fumed!! Not only did they hurt my feelings, but they also made me look like a fool in front of my co-workers. I believe that my husband is truly faithful, but not my friend. Am I wrong to blame only her, or am I wrong to be upset with both of them? Please give me some advice to handle this.

Sick to my stomach in Indiana.

Dear Sick to Your Stomach,

No wonder you are feeling sick. Two of the people you trusted the most have made you feel betrayed and hurt.

What surprises me, though, is that after your friend flirted with your husband a year ago, you gave her another chance to hurt you again. Your husband was absolutely wrong to have asked her to dance a slow number and left you at the table by yourself and then to ignore you afterwards and spend the evening talking to her. You were wrong too, however, to put up with their behavior for as long as you did. You should never have taken this woman back into your life and given her another chance to hurt you. You should never have stayed in the bar so long letting them act like you weren't there.

Stop being such a patsy and stop eating your anger and your hurt. The next time something is that painful, listen to your inner self. As soon as you begin to feel the pain in the pit of your stomach, do something about it. Instead of sitting there stewing and getting angrier and angrier, tell your husband you'd like to talk to him. Then take him aside and tell him how you feel. If he doesn't change his behavior and give you his full attention immediately, insist that he take you home. Leave the so-called friend by herself.

Did she know what she was doing? Of course she did. Were they both to blame? Of course they were. But so were you.

You have to learn to protect yourself and your relationship. Give this friend the boot for good and find a new best friend.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy





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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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