Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

5/25/2003

Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks
Sleeping with Ex’s
Her Love is Embarrassing



Teaching Old Dogs New Tricks

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am a 45 year old female, unlucky with men sexually. They are either premature ejaculators, good in bed but don't kiss well, too small, or just not any good or insensitive to a woman's needs.

I have recently started dating a wonderful man whom I wished to start a long-term relationship with. We decided to hold off on sex until we felt the time was right. The timing was right last night and it was the worst sex I've ever had in my entire life! He laid on top of me the whole time taking my breath away and instead of thrusting, he pushed his body instead of his hips. I don't even know how he could manage to receive pleasure with his method/technique.

He is 47 and was married for 22 years but I cannot stomach another episode like that. Is it appropriate to attempt to teach this man something about sex or let it go? He is so nice that I hate to dump him.

Dear Unlucky,

Finding a man who’s a good kisser, good in bed and sensitive to a woman’s needs is like finding a fish in the desert. So how do you deal with bad kissers, lousy lays, terrible technique and premature ejaculators?

One way is to keep looking. Maybe you’ll find a man who’s perfect for you. One woman’s lousy lay is another woman’s Casanova. But putting off sex is not exactly the best way to find sexual compatibility -- that's like looking for a blue-eyed man in dark bars where everyone wears sunglasses.

The other solution is to keep the guy you've got and train him. Tell him what you want – and what you don’t want. If you don’t like the way a man kisses, show him how to kiss. Give him lessons. It could be fun and in the long run, a lot easier than dumping him to find someone else. Of course, if he stubbornly refuses to learn and just wants to kiss the way he wants to, or screw the way he always has, then you'll have to cut your losses.

Teaching a man to kiss isn’t easy. It requires sensitivity. Don’t tell him he’s a lousy kisser. Instead, explain that some women like hard thrusting kisses like his, but you prefer a more gentle approach. Then demonstrate what you like by kissing him the way you’d like to be kissed.

As for men who are too small – you have to be in love, and if you are, size hardly matters. Even the tiniest man feels wonderful. If you’re not in love, though, and just looking for sport, then find someone whose size suits you.

Premature ejaculators can be helped with technique. You can learn the “squeeze” method. When he seems like he’s going to ejaculate prematurely, you grip his penis at the base with a very firm grip, and then squeeze until he loses the urge to ejaculate. You may have to do this many times for it to be effective. Don’t expect immediate results from any sexual retraining.

As for the men who are insensitive, you can teach them too. Think about reading a sex book together such as “Ultimate Sex,” by Anne J. Hooper. Hooper offers specific exercises to fix different sex problems. Her books are informative and erotic.

Obviously, this could be a very long-term project. Before starting on it, you may want to try a simple test of his sexual curiousity and willingness to try new things. Find an x-rated film which illustrates the kind of sex you like, and see how he responds to it. Give him a glimpse of the big wide world of sex. If he's shocked or prudish or defensive, dump him. On the other hand, if it opens his eyes, turns him on, and makes him eager to try all these new things, he may be worth your effort.

Couples only spend a small amount of their time together making love, but it is important that that time be fulfilling for both.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Sleeping with Ex’s

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Im a 20 year old college student, and have been sexually active for quite a while. While many of my friends share the same passion for sex as i do, it seems we go about it quite differently. They go out every night and find a new girl or at any given time will have probably 10 or so girls they can call up for sex at any given times. I however have the odd habit of sleeping with my ex's over and over, there are about 6 of them that i have continuly had sex with since our relationships. None of the sex is anything i would consider a relationship, and me and all the girls are good freinds now. And i usually dont go a month without seeing any one of them.

I am curious to know why i feel the need to have sex with ex's all the time. New girls dont intrest me there seems to be no point too me ive allready put in so much time with these other girls and i have what i want with them all - a nice physical relationship with all parties happy. As far as relationships too I always seem to go back to girls i have dated at one time before, the girl i am currently persuing is my ex from several years ago. Is this typical? Did i simply get lucky early on and find lots of girls i was compatible with, or is there something underlying here that im not seeing??

Dear Lucky,

Sex with an ex is always easier than sex with someone new. The ex already knows you and your habits and obviously likes the way you make love. You won’t get any complaints or instruction (see above) and there won’t be any “break in” period. You two fit together and know what to expect from each other.

You can get sex without having to be extra charming, or going through the “getting to know you” and "courting" phases. I always tell women that if the sex is good, the guy will eventually come back for more. You’re the perfect illustration of this.

You’ve already made the connections with these ladies. You already know they like you, and so you won’t have to take a chance on rejection with them. No wonder you go back again and again. It’s comfortable, it’s easy, and you always get lucky. Lucky you!

But no, you’re not typical. Typically, a man keeps looking until he finds “the one,” a woman who is sexually compatible, emotionally fulfilling, and who is possible lifetime mate material. I suspect you’re not ready to make a lifetime commitment, so avoiding looking for one makes perfect sense for you. Seeing your ex’s over and over again is an easy alternative. You’ve already decided you won’t spend your life with one of them, so there’s no pressure. They’ve already moved on, and they, too, can use you as a boy toy who delivers sex like pizza. Everybody gets what they want. No problem.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Her Love is Embarrassing

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hi, how I hope that you can help me. I'm divorced, and came out of a long mentally abusive marriage. I have been divorced a year and a half, and have met the love of my life who is good to me in every single way imaginable. The problem? He is extremely over weight to the point where my children embarrased to be seen with "us". I didn't let it bother me, I have told him that I care about him and want him to lose weight for his health, and for him to feel and look his best. He started going to a weight loss clinic, lost a few pounds, and stopped.

He just eats, eats, eats, eats, eats, and doesn't really seem to care what he looks like with an ice cream cone in his hand. He has NO table manners whatsover, going out with him for a meal is a nightmare, let alone family functions where everyone stares in shock of how he eats. We have been dating for almost a year, we have met each others' families, and our families have met each other and all is beautiful on that aspect. He is starting to embarass me. Summer is here, and it's "let's go for ice cream" and I cringe. I am by NO MEANS shallow at all, but the fact here is that he just acts like a pig when he eats, I gently remind him that he is going off his diet, and he tells me that he loves food. I just don't know what to do. Do I confront him? PLEASE help me.

Dear Embarrassed,

Stop worrying about what other people think and begin worrying about how you can help this man. He needs love and support, not a diet cop. Don’t try to tell him what to eat and what not to eat. It won’t help and will only drive him to want to eat more.

Instead, encourage him to get to the root of his problem. He’s feeding himself emotionally with food to make up for something that’s missing in his life. Suggest that he see a therapist to get to the root of his problem.

If he wants to go get an ice cream, try to steer him in a better direction – perhaps towards a better choice. Cook at home instead of going out. That way you get to control the menu. Make attractive frozen desserts that don’t add on calories and fat.

Help him find a support group. Go with him to Weight Watchers meetings or TOPS.

Communicate. First tell him how much he means to you. Let him know some of the qualities that you really appreciate about him. Then tell him how you would like him to act when you go out. If his table manners are so bad, teach him better ones. Certainly if he cares for you and is the love of your life, he’ll be willing to make changes in his table manners to keep you happy.

Encourage, but don’t demand. Above all, don’t make your love contingent on his weight. Let him know you love him for who he is, not how he looks. Losing weight has to be his decision, not yours.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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