Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

6/1/2003

Vacation Romance
Playing With Fire
In Love With A Woman Who Isnít Interested



Vacation Romance

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I recently came from vacation, while I was there, I met someone that I was interested in. He was there with some friends, and of course, there were other women around. I thought that there was some interest and attraction on both our parts. Later on towards the end of our stay, he was very distant and just gave brief greetings, and for some reason, I was really upset by his behavior.

I am not one to have aggressive behavior when there is someone that I'm interested in, and I think that he wanted me to be all over him, and I just couldn't because I know there were other women there that were filling that role. To make a long story short, we had sex on the last night of the trip, we said that we would exchange numbers, well I gave him my number, but he never returned the favor, and I didn't ask him for it.

I know that this will probably be one of those things that will stay where the deed was done, and not carry into real life. I want to know do you think I stand a chance of hearing from him. Where he is calm and low key, I am a little hyper and sarcastic, which I think he might like, but then I think I could be turning him off. It's just that I have been hurt as so many women are, and i put up my defenses, and maybe that turned him off. What do you think my chances are? Hoping to hear from you. thanks in advance.

Dear Hoping for a Chance,

The big trouble with vacation romances is that they are based in unreality. On vacation, youíre in a different place, not just physically, but psychologically. Unconsciously, you give yourself permission to become a different person and do things you wouldnít do at home. After all, you donít know anybody there. Nobody at home will find out what you did Ė unless you tell them. And, as the old saying goes, "out of town doesnít count."

So you had an out of town, vacation fling with a guy. That happens. He probably was attracted to you, but may have hoped to score with lots of other women as well. So why did he have sex with you on the last night? Well, it was his last chance. By then, heíd had the other women or not, and you could have been the only one he hadnít scored with yet.

In any case, youíre taking the whole thing way too seriously. Youíre worried about whether you were aggressive enough or too hyper and sarcastic, or turning him on or off, when the truth is, none that matters in the least. He may or may not have thought youíre his type, but since it was a one-night quickie, he didnít care. It was a vacation fling, nothing more, nothing less. It was not a relationship. You donít form a relationship on a vacation. You meet people, you have sex or you donít, and you go back home to real life.

Stop worrying about what you did or didnít do wrong or whether heís going to call or not. Remember, a guy on vacation could have a fiance back home or a string of girlfriends. Consider your vacation quickie as a little interlude you can recall when youíre bored. But donít waste your time worrying about when heíll call. Chances are youíll never hear from him again, and if you do, heíll probably just want another quickie with no strings attached.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Playing With Fire

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I can't believe I'm writing to an advise column, but I have no one to turn to. Here's my story. I am 46 years old, just ended my second marriage 13 months ago. It was 12 months ago today that I called my high school sweetheart. I had filed for divorce just one month prior to the phone call. He and I talked for two hours and agreed that if he was in the area (he lived 4 hours away) we would have dinner. He was in the area in about 4 days and we met for dinner.

At dinner he told me (with sincere tears) that I had broken his heart and he had never gotten over me. He told me he had written me a letter (8 years ago) but had never sent it. In it, he told me all that he had just confessed to and more. He said that he wished for his sons to have "that one great love" that we had had.

In high school and for 2 years after, we had a great romance and had planned to marry after he graduated from a four year university. I stayed home and worked while he was away at college. I had a chance to move to Japan for two years with my family so I took the opportunity and put the relationship on hold. I was an ass...I know...

Anyway, that dinner began what is now a 12 month relationship of incredible romance and passion like I have never known. The problem is he is still married. I knew this and it has been a lesson in patience. HIs relationship with his wife has been one of living seperate lives for more than 5 years. He has been sleeping on the couch for at least 5 years and I have no reason to doubt him. His wife is in a romantic relationship for about a year + and neither of them really seem to be accountable to each other anymore.

We both feel lousy about the whole thing but we stay in it with the plans for him to tell his wife when his son has finished football season of his senior year ( in 17 months). Then I will transfer to his city with my work and we will get married. I have two girls in high school, one will graduate next spring and the other is a freshman. That one will come with me and I am not sure if I will be able to take my youngest with me (she is now 8 years old). She has a very close relationship with her dad and I don't want to take that away from her or him. Believe me that is not an easy consideration for me,but I have no family in this city and I will be glad to leave since the divorce has left me rather alone.

The problem is that I feel so sad all the time. When I am with him I am fine and we have a wonderful time. As soon as he is gone I feel like I have just had my heart ripped out. I know he loves me and he really has sincere intentions. It just hurts so much and I miss him so badly. We see each other at least once a week, sometimes for just a day and other times for several days. Why do I have these feelings? What is wrong with me?

I hear all the statistics about married men who never leave their wives, but this really is not the same. This isn't just some guy I met at work or in a bar. I have know him since 6th grade, I know his family and they are all happy for us that we are back together. So is my family (except my kids). I have a feeling it's no secret to his wife either. He has told many of his friends and he has told everyone that he is finally going to marry the girl he should have married in the first place. We really feel like this is "supposed to be".

I just wish I didn't feel so out of control with my feelings. I know this troubles him and frustrates him because he really can't be with me all the time. He thinks this will all be better when we are finally together. No kidding. What do I do in the meantime?

I do take an antidepressants, but I'm wondering if I need my dosage checked. Or is it the relationship? Is this normal? I'm I just love sick?? I am stressed with work and being a single mom. What is my problem?

Dear Depressed,

No wonder youíre depressed. Basically, no matter what kind of a spin you put on it, youíre in love with a married man. Even if you knew him before, even if he says his marriage is in name only, even if he says youíre the greatest love of his life, heís still a married man and intends to stay that way for at least the next seventeen months.

Every married men who cheats says the same thing. Their marriage is in name only. They donít sleep with their wives. They have an understanding. Their wives are having affairs, etc., etc. Reality is that even if heís telling the truth about everything (which is doubtful since there are always two sides to this story), youíre looking at a long, long time before you can really be together. Even if he finally tells his wife in seventeen months, that doesnít mean that sheís going to instantly agree to a divorce and that the two of you can get married immediately. You also know that leaving your daughter and moving to his town isnít going to be that easy either.

Why do you feel out of control? Because you are getting all your pleasure from this man. When heís there, you can lose yourself in the romance and forget about all the problems involved in this relationship. But he's not there most of the time, and when he's gone, you spend the whole time missing him. You have no control over the sole source of your pleasure.

So what should you do? Stop waiting for him. Find something else to do that will give you pleasure. When you put all your happiness in the hands of someone else, and you have no way of making yourself happy, youíre doomed to be miserable whenever that person isnít around.

If you and this man are ever going to be happy together, you should stop putting all responsibility for your happiness on his shoulders.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



In Love With A Woman Who Isnít Interested

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Hello I have a question about a girl I have been in love since first set my eyes on her, about when I was 15 years old now I'm 23 and still in love with her. I have recently told her that I have been in love with her for all this years, but she doesn't care ... she doesn't like me.

What should I do? I see her every other day, she leaves about 2 blocks away from me. I try to forget about her but I can't....should I persue her more? I have written her poems sent her flowers nothing works....I have been so nice to her and wow nothing happens. what can I do to get her!

Dear In Love,

What part of ďI donít like you,Ē donít you understand? Youíve wasted eight years being in love with this woman who isnít at all interested in you. Itís time for you to move on.

Love is a matter of attraction and chemistry, and this woman just doesnít have that for you. Youíre not her type. If you were, she would let you know it. She doesnít see you as a love object. No amount of poetry or flowers or gifts or confessions of love will change that. As a matter of fact, they will only turn her off more and make her want to get away from you.

Being nice wonít help. Sheís not going to want you no matter what you do. Find another woman, one who cares about you and finds you attractive. Maybe, just maybe, the woman you have been in love with for all these years will see you differently if she notices that another woman thinks youíre attractive. Probably she wonít. But at least you wonít be wasting your life waiting for someone who doesnít want you.

If you continue to pursue a woman who isnít interested in you, then you are doomed to be frustrated and alone. Perhaps you really donít want a relationship. Maybe youíre just interested in your fantasy of what a relationship would be if you had it. Ask yourself what youíre getting out of being in love with a woman who doesnít care about you.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)




(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
Return to "Ask Dr. Tracy" Home Page

© copyright 1995-2011 Tracy Cabot