Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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Guys Who Don't Want Sex
Making Men Fall In Love With You
Taking Him Back

Guys Who Don't Want Sex

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Here’s a problem that I never thought I’d run into: asexual guys. Not gay. Not shy. Not too gentlemanly. Plain old asexual! Two in a row. I don’t think I’m undesirable, fairly attractive (or so I thought until recently). I’ve never dated any guy who eventually didn’t want sex fairly quickly. I’d hate to develop a complex, but I might it this keeps up. I’m 28, no kids (I’m a ChildFree professional) and have never been married.

The first guy was in the Air Force, an officer. He had a condo, nice enough car, a husky dog he adored, a college degree and a future—in short, his success mirrored mine, a fellow professional. The only possible red flag was that he had never been married. I asked him out after meeting him at a dinner at a mutual friend’s house. We went on six or seven dates, he was perfectly gentlemanly. But he never tried to initiate contact. The bomb fell, as it were, one night when he dropped me off. I ask him inside. He good-naturedly declined, saying he had to rise early the next day. Fair enough. I touched his arm. Then he pulls back and begins to explain he “doesn’t do that sort of thing.” I was thunderstruck. I know I should have questioned further.

The second guy was a lawyer with a bank. He seemed to have it together as well—had a house, brothers and sisters and parents he was close to, friends he told stories about. In fact, he loved to talk. When I finally got him back to his place one night after four dates, it was more talk. He seemed to be having a wonderful time just talking to me, and he was admittedly a sparkling personality. But, particularly after a certain point, I can talk to my friends. So…long story short, I wanted more. So I leaned in close to kiss him…and he almost fell off the sofa as he reeled back in shock. Then he acted surprised that I was interested in intimate contact—as if I was the one who was behaving strangely. Then he went into the kitchen and started to clean up, all the while chatting like nothing happened and keeping his distance. Feeling like a leper, I slunk out and broke it off by phone the next day.

In both cases, the guys were genuinely mystified as to why I no longer wanted to see them. And I’m made to feel bad that it’s because *I* wanted sex, as if nice women don’t want sex. The second guy offhandedly admitted to being “asexual”—but in the same breath asked me out again.

The problem is that I wasted a couple of months on these guys. What could cause this? I realize that not all men fill the unfortunate “men think about one thing” stereotype, but, wow, not wanting sex…at all? This can’t be common. Neither was overtly religious. Neither set off my gay-dar. Should I just write-off guys who have not been married or at least engaged in the past? That’s the only thing about these guys that stood out in my mind. That, and I asked them out instead of the usual routine of waiting. Tell you what, that’s the last time I take the initiative without some moves on their part!

I realize that getting two of these in a row is probably just bad luck, but just to be sure, I’ll also ask this: what are some ways to figure out that a guy might be asexual BEFORE one invests such time and emotion with one. You go on three dates and you’re overjoyed because he’s not all over you and rushing things. Then you go ten more dates, kill a few months, make a complete fool of yourself trying to initiate something out of frustration, and only then you find out he’s asexual. How can this be avoided? I realized these guys don’t walk around with “asexual” stamped on their foreheads, but how can I shorten the time wasted in the future should I run into another one of these?

Signed, Feeling Suddenly Untouchable

Dear Feeling Suddenly Untouchable,

What kind of men don't want sex? Men who are gay and men who just don't have any interest in sex with you. They may be asexual or they may be slow to get close or you just may not ring their bell, but the real problem with them is that they're not going to give you what you want. You may not want a guy who's all over you on the first date, but you do want one who's thinking about it.

The only thing these men have in common is that you chose them. They must have seemed somehow safe to you with their gentlemanly ways. These guys give great phone, great dinners and great conversation, and they're so available. Guess why? The other women have already found out that they have no sex drive, so they've moved on. If you find a great guy with no women around him, that's a sign that there's something wrong with him that doesn't show on the surface. You may want to adjust your "gay-dar."

In any case, the basic problem is that you can't help feeling rejected by a guy who never wants intimacy. So next time, pick a guy who at least wants to sit close, hold hands, and kiss you goodnight. I can't imagine going out with a man more than a time or two and not have him even try - and you spent months with these two characters! If a guy doesn't make a move by the second date, you make it and if he doesn't respond, move on to the next guy.

The next time, find a guy who's really hot for you. It doesn't matter if he's been married or engaged before. What does matter is that he shows some signs of lust. You're right: a lustless guy is a big waste of time.

Since you've had this problem twice in a row now, you must make a special point of finding out if the next guy likes sex and intimacy. On dating sites, the code word is usually "sensual." Make that a priority when you do a new search on your favorite Internet dating site.

When you go out with a guy, look for signs that he is sensual. Does he like to touch? Is he into hot tubs or nudity? You can usually find that out on the first date, certainly by the second.

Frankly, a man who doesn't kiss you good night should be a pass. If he's not a good kisser, he probably won't be any good in bed either.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Making Men Fall In Love With You

Dear Dr. Tracy,

Okay, Dr. Tracy...I have a dilemma that maybe you haven't addressed in a while, and I need your advice. This is all based on your excellent book "How To Make A Man Fall In Love With You", which I've read cover to cover, and have referred to for years.

Here's the thing...I've become particularly adept at speaking a man's love language. I learn it quickly, apply it, and when I determine that I like him a lot and want to find out what develops, I go into the whole anchoring and mirroring thing too.

The challenge occurs when the man falls totally in love, and I'm not even out of the gate yet. I'm a divorced mom of two who's not at all in a big hurry to get married. I just want the companionship, the physical and emotional closeness of a good, committed relationship. Invariably, the man who receives all the approaches from your book--well, let's just say it tends to work all too well. One man wanted to marry me within two weeks of meeting. Another is just convinced that we are destined to be together. I'm grateful to have high quality men in my life, but not all of them are right for me. I tend to learn that only after I've applied your techniques, and the men become putty in my hands.

The most important issue here is that I don't try to lead them on...I make a special effort to be clear in my communication, and earnest in the attempts to be friends. They just want more! So what would you advise to women in this situation?

Dear Star Student,

I'm impressed that you've learned the lessons from my book so well. You've learned to identify a man's love language and to appeal to him in a way he just can't resist. You've learned to anchor his good feelings and mirror him. No wonder he's falling in love with you.

Making a man putty in your hands is very empowering. However, you're only supposed to use the techniques on a man you've already decided you'd like to have a long term relationship with. Since you're finding that you can make men fall totally in love with you before you're even out of the gate, it's time to be more discriminating.

First find a man who you really want to be with, one you think you love, then use the powerful techniques from my book. Learn to pace the relationship and keep him from falling in love so fast that it turns you off.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Taking Him Back

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 27 years old and right now, I am single. I have 6 kids and I need advice. I am still in love with my kids father, but I'm also falling in love with a guy I just met. My kids father had put me though hell for the 5 years we were together. When I say put me though hell he: hit me, lied to me, cheated on me from day one of our relationship, and then he was running back and forth between me and the girl and worst yet he has a child with her the same age as our youngest child. I got rid of him and left but then I ran into him a few days ago and it's sort of feels like I never left. He says he's changed and has learned to control his anger and part of me wants to believe him, but the other part.....

The other part is with the other guy. I met him over the internet and we hit it off great. We totally trust each other and I can tell him anything. He likes my kids and let's face facts: it's hard to find a man that will accept 6 kids. We really don't have alot in common but then we respect each other's mind. He's more like a fairy tale that has came true.

But my kids want their father and they want me with him. The other guy is in the army right now. My kids father is here. I don't know what to do 'cause I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to make the wrong choice either. My family doesn't want me to be with my kids father but they also don't want me to be with anyone else either. I don't want them hating me but Dr. Tracy I'm lonely and they are married. They'd rather me marry a guy they like but I don't like at all. Please help me 'cause sometimes I just think I'll be better off gone.

Thank you, In need of help

Dear In Need Of Help,

Your ex husband hit you, lied to you and cheated on you. Whatever you do, don't take him back just because your kids want you and their father to be together. You'll wind up with a horrible situation and you'll feel even more stuck than ever.

If he tries to come around, keep the telephone numbers for the National Domestic Abuse Hotline handy. They are 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) and 1-800-787-3224 (TTY). The lines are manned 24 hours a day and operate in 150 languages. Unless your ex husband has actually been to anger management classes and therapy, chances are that he hasn't learned to control his anger. Taking him back would endanger you and your children.

As for the new man, give him a chance, but don't rush into anything. Just because you're lonely isn't a good reason to marry someone.

It's hard to ignore your family's wishes, and you naturally want to please your kids, but you're the one who has to be happy with a man, and you're the one who's going to live with him. It's a good sign that your Army guy likes your kids, but you have to love him too. Take time to get to know him and make sure he's still a prince charming from a fairy tale and not an ogre in disguise.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Submitting a Question to this column

Dr. Tracy regrets that it is simply impossible for her to answer all of the hundreds of questions submitted to this column each week. However, she does read every question, and tries to select the three which are of the most general interest to the visitors here.

Dr. Tracy says, "Is your question urgent? Many of the most beseeching, desperate messages I get are not answered in this column because the answer is just a couple of clicks away in my Love Library. Have you tried my Love Library? I know that nobody goes to libraries anymore, but check this one out -- it's so easily searchable that it's fun and easy to use!"

If you can't find your answer in the Library and you feel you MUST have an answer, you can get a personal answer from Dr. Tracy within two business days by availing yourself of her inexpensive private counseling.

You may submit your question to Dr.Tracy's column by e-mail here. (Tips: to increase your chances of having your question chosen, state your age and your marital history, and remember to use paragraph breaks so that your question isn't just one big, hard-to-read clump of words. Also, questions in all caps won't be answered.)

(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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