"Ask Dr. Tracy"

6/22/97 Advice Column


Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have read your book, How to Make a Man Fall in Love with You, thousands of times, and I still cannot figure out if the man I'm dating is dominant in visual, auditory, or feeling in his personality. Maybe you can help me further.

He is a wonderfully kind, sensitive man. We've been friends for years before we dated. He doesn't talk much about his feelings. He does say mostly auditory-oriented phrases. I once told him how wonderful his mother was. His answer? "I know. I try not to tell her too much---she might get a big head." Does this qualify him as an auditory man?

Once I asked him to imagine himself locked in a dark room, completely shut off from all pictures, sounds, and feelings, and asked him which one he would choose if he could experience one of these for an hour a week. At first he said feelings, but he referred to things he could physically touch instead of emotions. Once I explained the three categories to him, he said he'd pick sounds, because then he could listen to the news, talk to his parents, and imagine what everything would look like. So does he value sounds more than things he can see or feelings he can express, based on this hypothetical situation? Can you tell me which one you think he might fit into? I have read your book many times and still cannot classify him. And...can you give me some pointers that may not be in your book to help me better communicate with him? Thank you for all your help.

Signed, Confused

Dear Confused,

Thanks for the nice words about my book, although I am concerned that you had to read it 1000 times. Nevertheless, it seems to be working because you do have a wonderful, kind, sensitive man, and your relationship sounds very positive.

Your guy seems auditory to me. Remember though, just because a guy is primarily auditory doesn't mean that he isn't visual and feelings as well. We all have the ability to both see, hear and feel; we just put different priorities on certain ways of experiencing our world. (For those of you who aren't sure what we're talking about here, you can get an overview by reading "The Amazing Power of Mirroring" and "Inner Languages" in my Library.)

For instance, your guy may be an auditory, feelings, visual guy. That means he first hears something and that stirs his feelings and causes him to want to look into it further. Another man could be a visual-auditory-feelings man which means he first sees something, then he has a conversation with himself about it and then his feelings are stirred.

Since your guy seems to be both a feelings and auditory man, be sure to touch him while you're talking to him. Stay close and keep him comfortable and lulled by the sound of your voice.

I hear from many women that reading "How to Make A Man Fall In Love With You" has led to marrying a terrific guy. I'll look forward to hearing the same from you.

Wishing you happiness,

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I'm a 21 year old woman from Sweden who has a problem, I'm in love with one of my best and oldest friends, the thing is that we both have left our hometown to study at universities in larger cities, so I haven't seen him since December. I just can't get over him, I eat, sleep, think and study him. I can't think about anything else. I am currently at my parents' house, I am spending the summer back home and I know he is coming back here next week for the rest of the summer.

Our past? Well, we had some kind of a fling last summer, he really fell for me and I became aware of my feelings for him too. He had been in love with me for a couple of months when he finally told me how he felt about me. But then he decided not to develop any kind of relationship with me because his best male friend was/is in love with me too, and he didn't want to hurt his feelings. The thing is that I've been involved with his friend for three years (but that's like three years ago now), I think we all are grown people now; so I used to date this other guy and I know that could be a problem, but not that big. Should I forget him, I can't sleep, I am really nervous about seeing him again next week, I can't choose not to see him since his parents live next door to mine. Should i tell him that I still have feelings for him or am I only stiring tihngs up? Should I let go of him? Am I just obsessing?

I really need to do something about this since I can't give any other men a chance, I have ruined two other relationships this past semester because of him.

Do you think it's wrong for us to be together because of my last boyfriend's feelings, it was some time ago and is it like we can never be together, not after three years, five, seven or ten? I need some advice, please.

Dear Obsessing,

Yes, you are obsessing, but only because you feel frustrated. You're perfectly within your rights to go after a man when you haven't been involved with his friend for over three years.

Just because a person has a relationship with someone, they don't own that person forever.

Of course you should go after this man. Flirt with him. Go out with him. Then when you're alone, let him know you still have feelings for him. What on earth have you got to lose?

Work it out this summer. Either have him or not. One way or the other. Then you'll be able to put some closure on this situation and get on with your life.

Go for it!

Dr. Tracy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have problem regarding my boyfriend of nine years. I am 26 years old and so is my boyfriend. I love him with all of my heart and get desperately sick without him. I am pretty sure he feels the same as me. The only problem is his mother and sister. They are crazy. Since his father died in 1991, they treat him as though he is the father and the husband , which I find terrible and discusting. His mother looks at me as if I am a horrible person taking her son from her. His sister is a derranged woman who dates married men, has restraining orders against her and thinks she is living in a soap opera.

Despite all of this I still want to be with him(only him). I get very depressed at times. All I want is for him to move out of his mother's house. He promises we will get engaged this year. And hopefully move out next year. I can't live without him, but I can't live with his overbearing mother and sister. I am very confused. I haven't even mentioned the guilt trips his mother gives him or all the money he has given her. There is so much more. I can't stand the confusion or saddness much longer! do you have any advice?



Dear Heather,

After nine years, you should have gotten the message. I hate to tell you, but this situation isn't going to change no matter what happens. Even if you get engaged, his sister and mother will still be nuts, and you'll still have a role in their soap opera.

You want this man, but believe me, his mother and sister will come along with him. You'll have to move to the other side of the world to get away from them. If he can't move out of his mother's house, how on earth will he ever move far away enough to get out of the madness? The whole situation is likely to just get worse and worse, crazier and crazier. And if you marry him, you'll marry them too, and you'll spend the rest of your life being crazy with them, or recovering from them.

If you can't stand it, get out. He's not suddenly going to get strong, develop backbone enough to stand up to them and live peacefully with you. If you think he is, you're living in your own soap opera and your script has a miracle ending.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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