Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

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Sex Does Nothing For Her
Waiting Too Long
Too Young To Really Be In Love

Sex Does Nothing For Her

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now and I'm very much in love with her. She is definitely the one for me but lately we've run into a problem of sorts. The problem is this... I love sex and would have it daily. But she says sex does nothing for her. I asked her if it was me and she said no that I was fine but she just doesn't feel like having sex and that the thought of sex isn't something that does anything with her she would rather cuddle and what not than have a physical relationship.. What could be happening? Is it me? I'm scared to death of losing her...

Help me please..

Dear Scared,

You and your girlfriend have a big problem. Sexual incompatibility is one of the most frequent problems couples face in relationships - often after years of marriage. Sometimes one partner loses interest in sex and leaves the other highly sexed person high and dry.

You're right to be scared - scared of living a sexless life. This woman is just not for you, not now, maybe not ever. The reason is that you're hot and she's not. It's as simple as that. She says it's not you, and maybe it's not, but right now this is between you and her, and so it is you. Perhaps some other man, some other time, might turn her on. But what she's telling you is that you're not pushing her hot button anymore, and maybe never did.

Run, don't walk to the nearest exit from this relationship, unless you are willing to spend the rest of your life cuddling and masturbating. Of course you're going to lose her, because you're going to want sex, plain and simple. And she's telling you you're not going to get it from her. Be grateful that this happened now and not after you'd been married for years, with three kids and no way out. You're lucky she was honest enough to tell you how she felt. Let her find someone whose sexual urges match hers, and you find someone who wants to make love with you.

Having sex with a woman who doesn't really enjoy it is no fun. Find a woman whose sexual appetites match your own or you will be frustrated and unhappy.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Waiting Too Long

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I've had a relationship with a beautiful girl for the past 7 and a half years. Two months ago she stated to me that she was happy, but wasn't sure where our relationship was going. Believe or not, we never really discussed it. You see, she has a few close girlfriends who are either divorced or unhappy, and that made me gun shy. I figured that I would continue to try and cement the important qualities of a relationship and when the time came, we would talk about it. My girlfriend is almost 30 (I'm 36) and she's incredibly stressed about her life. She has problems sleeping and is really a mess. She thought some time apart would help her. It lasted 10 days, and we sat down and had what I thought was a productive conversation on what we need to improve on and other elements. Two weeks went by and she was her depressed self again. She said to me: "I can't imagine not being with you, but I don't know if I can imagine being married to you."

Her mom is like our mediator and said that she thinks that since we have been together so long, that time apart might do us some good. Do you think that's true?

I get the impression that my girlfriend expects relationships to never hit snags, problems and always run smoothly. I told her that all successful relationships, are successful because both parties are always working hard on it.

There has never been no cheating, physical or verbal abuse. Of course, like every couple, we have our problems which need nurturing. All she keeps saying is i'm confused, I'm unsure etc. I've accepted the fact that maybe I'm not the one for her?, but after 7 and a half years I don't think we should end the whole relationship without at least getting some counseling. Her problem, and I quote her: "I want to make sure I'll get married and never get divorced." I'm more of a realist that believes that you never know. Your opinion about our problem and spending time apart would be of great appreciation. It's been almost 2 weeks now that we've made no contact and I'm not intending to contact her.

Dear Gun Shy,

You've written this whole letter about your relationship of seven and a half years and never once mentioned feelings, not how you feel about this woman, not that you love her, not even that you care about her. No wonder she's depressed!

You also say you weren't sure where this relationship was going and never discussed it. I imagine you never discussed your feelings for her either. After this long a time together, she probably feels like she can't be married to a man who could go on and on for 7 ½ years without saying "I love you," or discussing a future together. And who can blame her?

If seeing her close girlfriends depressed and/or divorced made you gun shy, you should have backed out of this relationship a long time ago. But instead, you hung on, just enjoying the perks, and probably sex, and figuring you'd talk about it when the time came. Well, the time has long ago come and gone.

Relationships are like business deals, they either get better and become successful or they fall apart. You can't stay in limbo in a relationship for 7 ½ years. You really should have known after two or three years whether you wanted to spend the rest of your life with this woman, and you should either have proposed to her and married her, or left and given her a chance to find someone who would.

Don't you understand that your time with her, from when she was 23 until now, when she is 30, were her prime getting-married years? While she was dating you she was watching her friends marry and have children, and she was still in this going nowhere relationship. If you love this woman, tell her so. Get down on your knees and propose and apologize for all the years you failed to share your thoughts and feelings.

Someone has to be sure, and if you're not and she's not, you'll wind up wasting each other's lives. If you're not sure by now, you never will be. Give her a break and move on so she has a chance to find someone who's sure.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

Too Young To Really Be In Love

Dear Dr. Tracy,

so i have this friend that i go surfing with, he's very good looking, sweet, loves children, funny, courteous, an all around great guy. we have a great time together, i'm attracted to him and i know he is attracted to me. so what's the problem, right? well, the problem is his age, he is 6 years younger than me. i am twenty five and he is 19.

we do nothing more than surf together, maybe have lunch and hang out. that's it. i don't know if acting on any attraction would be the smartest decision, society tells us that its okay for a guy to date a younger girl but in a reverse situation its not okay...why?

i know i want more than what he could offer to me, he's young and has more exploring to do, i've already explored and done that whole thing. i think i want something more substantial from my next relationsip, and i don't know if i could obtain that from him. not because of who he is , but because of how old he is. is that wrong? BUT, i can't help to be attracted to him and wonder what it could be like. we do have a great time together and thoroughly enjoy hanging out together. i just dont' know where does one draw the line and is age really that big of a deal?

sincerely, the older woman (who's never been married...just trying to increase my chances)

Dear Older Woman,

You say you're experienced, have explored and are ready to settle down, and you want more than he could offer you, so why are you thinking about wasting your time? You want something more substantial from your next relationship, and you already know you're not going to get it from the Surfer Dude.

He's 19. He's probably buff and cute, but certainly more interested in surf than marriage or a serious relationship. If you want a serious relationship, find someone else. However, if you just want to fool around, there's nothing wrong with a six year age difference when he's 19 and you're 25.

I remember a friend of mine who was having a fling with a much younger man. She said it was great until she woke up one Saturday morning and found him in the living room with her little girl. They were both lying on the floor watching cartoons and eating Fruit Loops. When she went to kiss him, he smelled and tasted like Fruit Loops, and that brought her to her senses.

For a serious relationship, the six year age difference wouldn't matter if you were 39 and he was 33, but at 19, he's really inexperienced and not nearly as sophisticated as you are. Women mature faster than men do in general, which is why you so often see younger women with older men.

You say you've never been married and are just trying to increase your chances. You won't be doing that with a 19-year-old surfer, even if he is cute, kind, funny, sweet, loves children, etc. etc. To really increase your chances of getting married, find a man who's ready to marry, not one who wants to "hang ten."

I wonder if you have ambivalent feelings about getting married and are using the surfer as a diversion to keep you from getting serious about someone who's a real marriage possibility. Ask yourself why you want to involve yourself in a relationship that won't get you where you say you want to go. Perhaps you're not as serious as you say you are about wanting to increase your chances of marrying.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy

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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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