Dr. Tracy's Advice Column

Cartoon Kiss

7/24/2005

When Kinky Sex Gets Nutsy
Better Off Alone
Same Time Next Year?



When Kinky Sex Gets Nutsy

Dear Dr. Tracy,

My wife and I are in our late 40's. For some time I've been trying to get her to let other men see her nude. We go to parks and I have her walk, jog and run in the nude and just walk around with everything bouncing and jiggling. We bring the dildoes and vibrators and she masturbates out in the open, but just won't do it in front of other men. I know she would like it, with the end result being me video taping her having sex outside with a group of men that she doesn't even know. I know she would be dripping wet after a time like that. She would run and jump and masturbate for all of them. I know she would enjoy her audience.

I video tape all our trips there but she really gets uptight about the thought of men she doesn't know seeing her nude body. I've thought about having some guys hide and when she's nude and done some very intense things to herself having them jump out and catch her in the act, or at least I would have some video of her nude with other men watching. Any suggestions or help with this fantasy?

Dear Frustrated Fantasizer,

You're the kind of guy who gives kinky sex a bad name. Women who are concerned about their guy's "safe" kinky sex requests like "let's try a blindfold," are always worried that if they try one fantasy, there's no end to what he'll want. And now you've proved them right, in spades.

What are you thinking? If I hadn't contacted you about your letter, I would think it was a put-on.

First of all, people in their late 40's are most likely past the point in life when they should be showing their bodies off in public. What makes you think anybody would want to participate in this foolish scheme? You could all get arrested. I'm surprised your poor wife hasn't been arrested already.

To pull off your scheme, you'd have to tell several men you know what you and your wife do in order to get them to go along with it. Wouldn't that embarrass your wife, or is that the point? In any case, word would surely get out, to your co-workers, church members, PTA, relatives etc. And if you got arrested or had some other problem with this nutsy idea, it could make the papers and the whole world could find out about it.

Your fantasy is also dangerous. You could be accosted by a group of men who aren't friends and who would harm you and your wife.

If your wife really wanted other men to see her nude, she could go to a nudist colony. You could go too, although I doubt if you could have your entire fantasy there. They rarely allow video. Sex videos have a way of getting out, and you really don't want those kinds of things around anyway. You could also have a lot of your fantasy at a swing club. However, you would have to tell your wife, so the surprise would be lost.

Give up this foolish fantasy, and be glad your wife has indulged you as much as she has. You've gotten way more from her than most men could ever convince their wives to do. Quit while you're ahead and before you get in trouble.

Some fantasies are meant to remain just that, fantasies.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Better Off Alone

Dear Dr. Tracy,

I have been a widow for 18 years. I have been in a long term relationship with a man who I believe to be the man I want to marry. About a year ago I found that he was cheating on me with the woman who was the reason for the breakup of his first marriage and in casual relationships with several other women. He has also been seriously involved with another woman for a year.

He is a traveling salesman and is around women all of the time. I have confronted him so many times when he was not being truthful. He gets so angry at me for what he calls snooping. He still tells me that he loves me and wants to come back to me. I love him and I want to trust him and start over. Do you think this is remotely possible? I have tried to find someone else but it is next to impossible at this age.

Dear Cheated On,

You're better off alone than with this guy. He's a cheat and a liar and he attacks you when you express your concern about his philandering behavior.

So what if he tells you he loves you and wants to come back? He'll just do the same thing again. He's a serial cheat. He did it to his last wife, he did it to you. And he'll be cheating on the next woman too.

He's a salesman, but don't buy his story again. So you love him, so what? Just because you love someone doesn't mean they're worthwhile or will contribute to your life. He'll make you miserable if you take him back.

You can't spend your life with a liar and a cheat. You can't trust him to tell you the truth. How would you ever be able to trust him with your checkbook, your credit card, or your life decisions? Would he be there for you if you were sick or needed him?

I recommend my book, "Letting Go," and in the meantime, you need to realize that he's just not "the one." The man of your dreams is out there, but you won't find him unless you look. The problem is that as long as you truly believe that you love this jerk, you'll make it difficult, if not impossible to find someone else. Get this man out of your life, then go online. Join match.com or some other dating site and look for someone who can be faithful. (Which is easier with older men :)

It's not impossible to find someone else at any age. But in order to do that, you have to give up hope of getting this man to straighten out and be the man you want him to be. It will never happen, and waiting for him to become trustworthy will be a big waste of your life.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



Same Time Next Year?

Dear Dr. Tracy,

While I was in graduate school, I was dating my now-husband long distance. Although we became engaged during my second of three years of grad school, I spent my final year of grad school having a relationship with a fellow student. I told myself that it was a last fling sort of thing. I wouldn't have broken off the engagement because my now-husband is a good man and, when I broached the subject, he broke down and pleaded. The wheels were already in motion, the reception planned and paid for. I just couldn't stop it.

I married my fiancee and moved back home to his town. I believed that I could go back to being friends with my grad school lover - invited him to our wedding and made him godfather to my daughter.

This year, my ex-lover got married. His wife learned that we had dated in grad school and refused to let him invite me to the wedding. My husband learned about my grad school involvement and doesn't want my ex-lover in my life although he wasn't surprised because he knew we were close and wasn't that upset.

Here's the thing - I talk to my ex-lover almost every day and we e-mail absolutely every day. The month before his wedding, we had a physical trist and then vowed we'd eliminate the sex from our friendship. I love my husband and children and, I presume, he's comfortable with his new wife. Do we really have to cut ties? How could I spend the rest of my life disconnected from such a powerful love? Could we do a "Same Time Next Year" sort of thing?

Midwest Mess

Dear Midwest Mess,

"Same Time Next Year" was a movie. In reality, the mess you're in is nothing compared to the mess you could be in. This relationship with your last fling and your desire to have continual last flings with him is really dangerous. His wife already knows about the two of you and she doesn't like it. Your husband knows, and they'll both be watching you two.

Sending the constant emails back and forth and talking on a daily basis in secret is already being unfaithful. You're giving another man what your husband should have - your deepest secrets, lots of communication, and yes, your love. He's being just as bad.

When you marry, you agree to spend the rest of your life without the intimate company of your ex lovers. Those are the vows you took. If you love your husband and children, why would you do something that would endanger your relationship with them? If you want to stay married, you must cut the ties to your old fling.

I suspect that you're holding on to your youth by hanging onto this old relationship. It's exciting to sneak, but is that excitement worth the risk? You need to find something else to do that you're passionate about besides this man. If you don't, your marriage is in serious jeopardy.

If you and your ex can't disconnect, then your choices are to sneak and live your life without dignity or integrity, or divorce your mutual spouses and marry each other. I urge you to think long and hard about the affect a divorce or discovering your infidelity would have on your children's lives. You're young enough to start over, but doing so is not without life-long repercussions.

Good luck,

Dr. Tracy



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(Featured art from cover of Letting Go, by Zev Wanderer and Tracy Cabot, published by "Bitan" Publishers, Tel-Aviv, Israel)
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