"Ask Dr. Tracy"

6/29/97 Advice Column


THE MAGIC WORDS,
ATTRACTED AND CRUSHED,
TROUBLE ON THE NET




Dear Dr. Tracy,

My girlfriend and I are very close, practically inseperable in every way. She's a very affectionate woman and she's just so great in every way. The problem is that she hardly tells me that she loves me. I know that she does as she shows it. Maybe I'm just different from other people but I love hearing those three words. I mean she has said them to me on occasion and when she does I can tell that she really means it and it makes me feel so great. Is there a problem here or am I just being paranoid?

Kindest Regards,

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Your girlfriend's reluctance to say the words "I love you," is a serious problem. You are obviously an auditory person and you will never be happy unless you hear the magic words.

If she won't say the words that she knows you need to hear to feel loved, she's risking your relationship. After all, you're not going to feel fully happy and we know what that leads to. Of course there's a problem here. When someone loves you they want to make you happy. How simple it would be for her to learn to express love in a way you can appreciate. Have a serious talk with your girlfirned and let her know that this is important to you. Try to get her to log onto this website and read "Inner Languages" in my Library. This article will explain how different people tend to express love differently.

We all have a natural tendency to express love to another the way we want to receive it. In other words, she may be a feeling person who feels loved if she gets a certain kiss or touch, so she tries to show her love to you that way. Naturally, it doesn't work; you're waiting for those three little words. Loving couples learn to express their love in the way their mate best understands. I'm sure your girlfriend will do the same once she understands this.

Wishing you more "I love you's,"

Dr. Tracy




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I am 10 and I am in love with a girl I know. I asked her if she liked me, and she said as a friend! She said I wasn't her type. I am so devastated! Now that school is out, I don't see her any more.

What should I do?

Dear "in love,"

What you're feeling is attraction, and perhaps worship, and maybe even a little love. The problem you're writing about is universal; I've been asked about this by men and women of all ages.

Why is it almost no one can accept that someone is not necessarily attracted to you just because you're attracted to them? If you learn this early, it will help you in life. When someone tells you they only like you as a friend and that you're not their type, that means what it says. They don't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend with you. It also means they don't want to kiss you, hug, hold hands or have any kind of physical relationship. It also means you should find someone else to love. Accept that you and this girl will just be friends and that's it. If you don't, you'll ruin a nice friendship and make yourself even more unhappy.

I'm sure you can find a girl who wants to more than a friend and who thinks you're her type. Good luck,

Dr. Tracy




Dear Dr. Tracy,

I met this gal over the chat session 2 weeks earlier. We both found each other that we have a lot in common. I liked her and she liked me too. She wrote a nice poem to me and I did in turn. We chatted over the phone a couple of times (unusually very lengthy 6-7 hrs). We both felt very comfortable with each other. We exchanged our photos too. She is from different state and a student. I'm 26 and she is only 20.

I sent her flowers too (after asking her permission) and on the same day she got my flowers, I happened to find her on some romance chat room. Suddenly I got mad and I told her I don't want to see her on those kind of chat rooms again. she said she is not my property. I said it's fine and said good bye to her and mailed her photoes back to her.

Then next day I realized it was a mistake and I was unwantedly jealous and sent her 4-5 e-mails apologizing for my good bye and wanted her friendship back. She didn't reply at all. I tried to call her 5-6 times. She never picked up and didn't reply to my messages. Then she'd sent this e-mail saying "Please don't call me. I don't want to talk to you anymore. We should go in separate ways and I met another nice person. So please leave me alone and let me get on with my life". I sent a e-mail back saying 'please give me a last chance to talk you over the phone'. She never replied. When again I found her in some chat room, I tried to contact her and she said "please leave me alone. You are freaking me out". I'm totally distressed and hurt. I really liked this person and I know she liked me. And also I feel very guilty that because of me she doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Please give me some advice. What should I do? Should I forget about her? Or Should I wait and try to contact her again (But I'm really afraid, she might think I'm trying to stalk her or something)..Please I need your sincere advice that would be a great help to me.

Dear Troubled,

Lay off this woman immediately. You are the kind of guy who unwittingly gives the net a bad name. If you're not careful you'll become a full-fledged net stalker just because you must tell her one more thing.

The "relationship" is over. End. Finished. What part of GET LOST don't you understand?

Never, ever contact this woman agaiin. Next time, be smart. Don't let yourself get obsessive about a woman and don't get possessive. Don't be the kind of guy a woman can't be nice to because right away he'll start to think she belongs to him. You have no right to an exclusive relationship with someone you have only talked to on the net. Let this be a lesson to you. You can't buy a woman's love with flowers or any thing else.

Hoping you'll stop before you make matters worse,

Dr. Tracy





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